They say if you love something set it free. Whoever wrote that is a stupid bitch. If you love something start swapping out your birth control pills for tic tacs and ordering monogrammed towel sets gurl. Just kidding – kinda. I could never fit into my dream Marchesa bridal gown post-child birth. It just wouldn’t be chic. This probably comes as zero shock to you but I am one creepy bitch. As a side effect of my suppressed neurosis I try and know everything about everything, then over analyze my information, draw conclusions, make judgments and then have a cocktail. I am like fucking Carmen Sandiego. Before I go on a date with someone I have already googled them till my phalanges have bled. I already know where they work, where they live, estimated property value, all their ex-girlfriends and social security number. It’s kind of an inside joke I have created with myself. Like “so where do you work?” acting all curious when I not only know their company, but also position and salary. It’s called being thorough.
For the first trimester of a blossoming relationship I monitor all cellular and internet activity – like a lady. I can hack any password retrieve all deleted history and practically have the tracking capabilities of a NASA satellite. Keep in mind, my incredibly nonchalant demeanor gives nothing of the sort away. You may think this sort of behavior is destructive to a fresh union but I feel it is a necessary precaution. One time I was dating a guy who had 6 pairs of Louboutin loafers which in hindsight was a red flag. Unless you are on fucking Shahs of Sunset no heterosexual man should invest in more than a couple pairs of red bottom shoes. BITCH BIBLE PROPHECY – If a man owns multiple red bottoms, he IS a bottom. We met at his place before we walked to dinner and when I arrived promptly at 8pm he was still getting ready. He poured me a drink and told me it would just be another 5 minutes and we could head out. I sat in the living room trying to be interested in the news program he had on when I saw his laptop perched slutily on the coffee table. It was just begging to be probed. I could hear him diddling around in the bathroom and was fighting the ultimate internal battle whether I should take a looksy or not. There is no greater turmoil then deciphering A. if you should snoop and B. if you have the time to do it properly. It is a lot to process in a small window of time believe me. As soon as I heard the blow dryer turn on (red flag #2) I knew I had about 15.3 seconds to check browser history. First on his history- A GOOGLE SEARCH OF YOURS TRULY. How disappointing that must have been for him. Pre-blog life the only thing that showed up when searching “Jackie Schimmel” was some fat ass violinist and maybe a fucking Bat Mitzvah announcement from the local newspaper. Second was yelp reviews on the restaurant we were going to, which I thought was both thoughtful and inquisitive. Third was a slew of Facebook creeping. Can’t judge since I creep on people so hard its disappointing. I thought about exploring the depths of his FB newsfeed but clearly didn’t have that kind of time. Just as I was about to complete my investigation I saw something that piqued my intrigue. Youporn – XXX All Male Orgy. I know all guys watch porn, so maybe this was just a joke a friend sent him? Fuck the blowdryer is now off. Must search deeper (pun intended). Porn Hub – Gay Threesome. Maybe they are gay women? Guys love lesbos. YouJizz- Gay Anal Bondage. Okay so this is happening… excellent. The guy I am newly dating likes it in the schvinkter and probably is looking for a beard to bring to Shabbat dinner. Gays have always flocked to me like a moth to a flame. But none of them petitioned to be straight and pursue a sexually deceptive relationship. This was about to get awky.
The remainder of the evening was one for the books. Obviously I couldn’t tell him I went through his browser history and know he’s a huge mo. Instead I classily made the premise of dinner conversation all things homosexual. The new Sex and The City movie coming out, Kylie Minogue, mimosa brunches, anal (just kididng – kinda). After a few drinks and an internally problematic hand hold I knew I had to just come out with it. Imploding with manners and grace, I finally asked “So… ever been with a guy?” #casual. Check please! Boom boom boy was not too pleased with my outing question. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Um… Needless to say, that was the last time we went out. Although the end result was not fabulous without my investigative instincts I could’ve ended up with a full throttle fudge packer. Like my fave girl group TLC once said;
“So I creep yeah
Just keep it on the down low
Said nobody is supposed 2 know
So I creep yeah
‘Cause he doesn’t know
What I do and no attention
Goes to show oh so I creep…”
The moral of this story is it’s not creepy if it’s legal #thebitchbible