Why Men Luh Bitches

Looks fade, muffin tops grow, but bitchiness is forever. You know the nicest girl… she’s pretty, has a great job, volunteers at homeless shelters, lives for #motivationalmonday Instagram post (ew) but can’t seem to find a guy to stick around for longer then a month. You wonder how the FUCK this girl is single. I’ll clue you in. No matter how many apple pies you bake, food drives you organize or friends you offer to pick up from the airport… it’s plain as the fucking American Eagle cardigan your nice friend is probably wearing. Men love bitches. I should specify my definition of a bitch. She’s not gossiping about town, because let’s be honest… she would rather be talking about herself. She knows exactly what she wants and has no qualms asking for it #entitlementissues. She demands respect and offers the same to those around her. She is strong and doesn’t need to explain what she needs, because she simply won’t engage with anyone who doesn’t give it to her. She is high maintenance only because she has the ability to provide a rich life for herself, but also doesn’t feel inferior if a man chooses to do so. She is confident and secure enough to know that being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t appreciate how fabulous she is (because bitches – at least my definition – are ALWAYS fabulous).

When dating, bitches always have boundaries. It is in the basic law of physics (I think #collegedropout) that if you chase something they/it will run from you. Especially if you are fugly or look like you may not be permitted within 3 miles of an elementary school. It’s called science world. This principle must be applied in dating. I am probably the creepiest bitch I know but that doesn’t mean I am going to make a guy I met 43 hours ago on match.com my fucking #MCM. Why? Because whether or not I am home every night binge eating, watching Lifetime movies and morphing our faces together to see what our kin would look like – I want him to think I am dating at least 32 other people that are all better looking and more successful. Men historically are HUNTERS. Let them fucking HUNT. Women historically are GATHERERS. So while they hunt for you, go gather some chutzpah (and maybe a few hot guys numbers #planb) and let them work for it. A women’s best asset is being unpredictable. There are some underlying stereotypes that women are needy, clingy, and insecure in a relationship. Men know a bitch doesn’t put up with any bullshit, and if he fucks with her she is GONE like the wind. Bitches do not give away the milk unless you buy the cow … in fucking cash. Men are simple, like an indoor plant. They need to be fed, encouraged to grow, admired from a far and then the other stuff (my grandparents read this). Hopefully you aren’t into having relations with a plant but I honestly couldn’t think of a better comparative. If you are getting frisky with your ficus tree, good for you. Way to sexualize your carbon footprint gurl. Suprisingly, I am super old fashioned – I love to do all of these things for my boyfriend (and all of our indoor/outdoor foliage) but here is the operative term: BOYFRIEND (he bought the cow…literally #moo).

Being too bitchy is just as bad as being too nice. Nothing is attractive about living a charade. You’re not playing a role, you are living your life as the most confident and fierce you. Bitches always dance to the beat of their own drum, nice girls ditch their choreography for any guy that tells them they have a nice smile and may or may not text them “hey gorgeous” with a fucking winky face emoji. Calm your lady boner. Not to get all Rev Run on your ass (although we both do love a candlelit bath tub) but this really isn’t about being a bitch. It’s about valuing yourself enough to demand the same from others. Whether it be coworkers, lovers, family or friends. Nice girls think men should accept them for who they are, bitches know that a man should be fighting for them and if they aren’t they have no problem walking away… preferably in blood red stilettos.

#thebitchbible

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