My First Roommate

I have made it no secret that college wasn’t really my thing. Sitting in lecture halls pretending my Women’s Studies class would make any impact on my life just seemed trivial and a huge waste of time. If I wanted to learn a real lesson on “Women’s Studies” I could have sat at home trolling Facebook and analyze how all the pretty girls everybody knew in high school somehow become bloated whores in sweatpants once they hit college. To add to all my reservations about even ATTENDING college, living with a complete stranger was the cherry on top of my freshman 15 inducing sundae.

As I packed up my things, researched how to get a faux prescription for Lexapro and headed north to San Luis Obispo I tried to remain optimistic about my new living situation. After all I did take a compatibility quiz. Maybe we both hail from Los Angeles? Maybe she just got dumped also and we can be each others wing women? Maybe her dad has a private plane we can take on spontaneous vacations to escape the rural landscape and simple living of the central coast? Maybe she also thinks its hilarious when small children cry? Yeah! By the time we pulled into my student housing community I had already fantasized about my new roommate and I borrowing each others Prada backpacks and having Gossip Girl watching parties in matching pj sets (She would be Blair, I would be Serena … obviously). This was going to be amazing.

Delusion is a precious gift, one that should be cherished as it never lasts long enough. I made sure my family and I had left early as I knew my mother would insist on stopping at wineries along the way.. Once I had moved my copious amounts of shit in, we patiently waited to meet my new BFF. After a few hours of waiting, my mother grew tired of sitting in a room that wasn’t adorned with crown molding or lighting on dimmers and proposed to go out for lunch. As we sauntered off to my designated parking spot I heard a blaring heavy metal song blasting from an old pick-up truck approach the lot. Inside a menacing looking red head clad in worn overalls smacked gum and began to headbang along to the music. As she started to head our way I figured I should smile in case she was my neighbor and I would need her to help me change my oil or something in the near future. She nodded in my direction and as I started to get into the car I came to harsh realization and that she had pulled in right next to me. Wait…there is no way.

As her Timberlands touched the pavement and she grabbed her John Deere trucker hat from the passenger seat I almost shit my pants. “ You Jackie?” … “Um, hi. Yeah that’s me?” … “Hella cool. Lookth like we’re roommatesth.” (She had an outstanding lisp) So maybe less Serena and Blair and more Rosie O’Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselback. Trying to live with a “glass half full” approach I figured she would be nice to have around for I don’t know… handywork? That faux crystal chandelier I brought wasn’t going to hang itself. Being the good Samaritan that I am (not), I (my parents) offered to help her move her stuff in. As we went around the back of the car I noticed an unfamiliar flag sticker on the back window. Hmm, a woman of the world, I like that. “What country’s flag is that?” I asked sincerely. Poland? Yugoslavia? “It’sth the confederate flag.” Super.

On a real note, people with speech impediments should really learn how to speak around them, it’s common courtesy. All she had brought was one duffel bag, a backpack, a crock pot and one large confederate flag which is really all a gal needs. To give you some insight into what I had done with the communal space please refer to the picture below…yiyiy

After my parents bid me adieu, I decided to peel back the layers of my new roommate. Not like that, don’t get excited.She kindly offered to make a casserole that was her secret recipe. Chic! We cracked open some beer my parents stocked us with and just let the good times roll. She explained where she was from and how she only had 50 people in her whole high school. “I HAD MORE PEOPLE AT MY BAT MITZVAH THAT IS CRAZY!” “Whatth a Bat Mitzthvah?” Really? I explained to her a brief synopsis and the second I said “Judaism” she almost dropped her Ranch seasoning packet. “Wait… you are Jewith?” Like I had told her I had an undescended testicle and just ate an infant. “Um, well yes but I am not super religious.” She clearly needed a moment to process this “I have never met a Jewish person before.”.. “Well, surely your doctor is a jew.” “I don’t even have a doctor.” Of course she didn’t.

As we treated the awkwardness by polishing off a few more beers, her world famous casserole was ready. As she lifted the foil and I caught wind and sight of the dish I wanted to gag and exclaimed “That looks …kitschy!” After I was sworn to secrecy she told me the ingredients; store bought fettuccini alfredo mixed with ranch dressing, put in a baking dish and topped with fried onions and crumbled Cheese-it’s. This wasn’t going to go well with my digestive system. She was here studying auto mechanics and was looking for a part time job to make some extra money on the side. I asked her what other jobs she had back home “You wouldn’t wanna know.” Well that’s not sketchy. After endless persuasion and a few more beers she finally felt comfortable enough to tell me. “I uthed to dance.” Like on a dance team? Not so much. “It wath only after I turned 18, made thome pretty good money.” I am many things, but judgmental I am not. Is it weird this made me like her more? Nothing makes for a better E! True Hollywood Story then when people have to turn to the pole to support themselves. I actually think it builds a lot of character… so sue me. She also later divulged she was also a bisexual or as she put it “bithexual”

We were never B+S and she definitely didn’t approve of my daytime sequins but we were civil. She even helped me clean up after this bitch I used to be friends with yacked Franzia all over the place and was inexcusably rude to my Home Depot loving roomie despite her charade of wholesomeness. Rosie eventually moved out and shacked up with her boyfriend and a new cageless pet chinchilla she bought that shit all over the place. I will admit, I wasn’t entirely upset to see her go.

After a few months, I felt a silent aggression developing towards me. She wasn’t fond of my non confrontational sticky notes I left all over the place asking her to help clean with smiley faces “Hey, could you wash the casserole dish? Thanks! :)”  I was pretty over our humble abode reeking of Hamburger Helper and was constantly plagued by trying not to ask her to demonstrate some of her former “moves” on the STOP sign pole outside of our door. All in all, it was an amazing learning experience and a real eye opener. When ever I see a box of Cheese-it’s I smile at the memory of our union.

Rosie wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, with whichever gender you choose I hope you are well. Kitheth (kisses)  xo

#thebitchbible

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12 comments

  1. I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry after reading this. On the one hand I want to assume it’s a farce, but on the other hand it’s like watching some young-adult trashy novel.

    This is…um…classic, to say the least.

      1. Well, I have to admit, I came across your blog because of a tag, but I hope you don’t mind me following…mostly because I’m still trying to figure out if this makes me sad or entertained…

  2. Oh. My. God. I’ve done everything but pith (piss) myself!!! Literally laughing out loud, loudly!! Oh the sweet smell of a bithexual pole danther!

  3. So I stumbled across your blog recently and I spent the last two hours of my work day yesterday reading your absolute killer posts. I keep giggling my ass off at how fucking truthful it all is. It got a little creepy when I realized how similar our lives are… I grew up in LA and also moved to SLO to go to college, Cuesta specifically. Shit got more weird when you said you worked at E. I work down the street on Wilshire at a reality TV production company. But anyway, just thought I would tell you how much I appreciate your extreme sarcasm and bitchiness. “hella” hearts

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