The George Clooney Factor

Most of my existence I have said people “can’t change” because I never have. I was an obnoxious, over indulged, sparkle loving, over the top yet undeniably endearing mess my entire life. As I have gotten older and wiser (not) I have realized that I do believe people can change. Which brings me to Exhibit A: George “hot as fuck” Clooney. For those of you living under a rock or who “don’t care about celebrities” (shut the fuck up #elitist) Mr.Clooney the notorious bachelor and  perpetual commitment phobe is … engaged. While many of us are saddened by this news, I truly feel we should celebrate this insightful and emotionally liberating display of growth. This shocking news proves my theory that when paired with the right counterpart, people can change. Just ask Chaz Bono. Some of you might be crying right now after painfully realizing that you weren’t the right person to change someone you love or loved. When I met my boyfriend he wore DC sandals and thought sharing hotel rooms on group vacations was “fun”. Now he would rather wear a gutted raccoon on his feet and wouldn’t dream of putting me in a situation where you have to play rock paper scissors over who has to sleep on the rollaway bed. As people (especially women) we inherently want to be the Marissa Cooper to our very own Ryan Atwood. For those of you who don’t get that, it is an OC reference. Although we dream of pulling the bad boy out of Chino Hills and transformimg him into OC’s finest man meat with a Range Rover at 17 and a newly found moral compass it doesn’t always go down like that. And we all know what happened to Marissa Cooper.

Deep down this is just a battle with our own ego to prove to ourselves that we are special enough to have someone change for us and give us that emotional validation… which seems pretty pathetic. We rip ourselves apart wondering if we were prettier, smarter, skinnier, more athletic or digestively functionable (me) if things could’ve worked out. It’s a vicious cycle we are all guilty of without reason. So now as I sit on my balcony sipping my bloody mary, tanning my pastey upper thighs and pondering what made this particular girl have a man emphatically quoted saying he will never marry, put a ring on it.

After extensive analysis I have drawn the following conclusion. You can be the smartest, most beautiful, interesting and kind woman in the world. It doesn’t mean George Clooney, or anyone else, is willing to change for you. This seems obvious, liberating and slightly depressing all at the same time. I often think about past boyfriends and desperately hope they spend hours cyber stalking me, clutching and sniffing a forgotten piece of my clothing and cursing the day they let me go. Much to my dismay I am pretty positive this isn’t happening. But fuck, a girl can dream. Did I have some shrivel of hope that George Clooney would fall in love with me, take me yachting in Lake Como and put a 7 karat Neil Lane ring (#nosidebaguettes) on my finger? Yes. You may call this type of thought process delusional, I prefer to think of myself as incredibly optimistic.

The truth is people change, things go wrong, shit happens and famous Bachelors get engaged. The beauty in this is that life goes on and we can find solace in accepting that many of these factors of compatibility are far beyond our control. This is what we call a silver lining bitches. George, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials and just so you know when your fiancée is 50… I will only be 36. Kisses.



4 thoughts on “The George Clooney Factor

  1. Beth says:

    Pee’d myself a little from this one! #Nosidebaguettes…….btw, by the time his betrothed is 50, he’ll probably be long gone……fear not though, Neil Lane is in constant contact with your Boo, I am sho!!! Much love to you:)

    • headbitch says:

      I really hope so! I had to have a very long conversation with my love about what side baguettes were, he thought I was talking about French fucking bread! I’m glad you get me! Xox

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