I am sure this is a huge shock to you but I am one highly irritable bitch. Everynight I wake up at 3am (the witching hour) and my mind races. I think about what I am going to eat for breakfast, pray that my constant state of constipation will subside, wonder if am I still the highest bidder for those Miu Miu heels I’ve been dying for, contemplate why glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the bottle, consider selling my eggs for 30k to give me some extra cash flow. The list goes on and on. I also start to think about shit that REALLY pisses me off. If I was an intellectual and deep bitch, I am sure I would be upset with people who litter, steal, are racist, antisemitic, don’t recycle – whatever. For the record, recycling confuses the FUCK out me. I’m a one-bin woman if you catch my drift… Unfortunately, these are not factors that keep me up at night. I tend to jot these discrepancies (no idea what that word means) down on my notepad I keep on my nightstand. This morning I decided to delight in my mid-night bitch fests and see some things that have really been pissing me off lately.
Bebe – This place is a rhinestoned tracksuit selling, polyester bodycon dress pushing, mesh insert whoring HELL. The name is appropriate because just hearing it makes me want to go buy a BEBE gun and shoot myself in the trachea until my larynx bleeds to death. For research purposes, I went into Bebe last week to see how they were doing. The second I got the whiff of the store’s fragrance (a blend of daddy drama, overdraft fees and acrylic nails) I immediately felt like I needed to slap on some lip liner, buy a Coach bag and start drinking fucking Moscato spritzers. How does this place even stay in business? The salesperson proudly exclaimed they had just got plenty of new summer dresses (SHOOT ME) and insisted I try on this tragic polyblend maxi dress because after 2.6 seconds of first impressions “it totally looks like your style”. I have never been more offended in my entire life… literally.
Small Children – Not to sound like an asshole, but I am not one of those women who thinks every child is cute. In fact, I have met many a kinder that I strongly feel should be quarantined in a cage. Certainly not at a nice restaurant shitting themselves at the table over while I am trying to shove truffle pizza down. It’s called a babysitter… or a crib with a lid on it. I know I will be totally obsessed with my own children but can’t pretend that they are all adorable. They just aren’t. What kind of twisted reality are we creating for the next generation if we blindly fawn over them regardless of their personality, looks or wit? Then you have the friend who fucking INSISTS you spend hours on youtube watching every dancing baby video the internet has to offer. So you sit in gridlock, watching a baby dancing and singing for 4 minutes too long while everyone LAWLS their ass off. Unless the climax of this video is the mediocre looking baby walking into a screen door or being humped by a puppy, I am not interested. Chill your ovaries.
Exercise – It is not that I am against physical fitness… it’s just that I have a lot better things to do. I know every girl in LA prides themselves on cardio barre, spin class, pilates and fucking juice cleanses. Mazel tov bitches. I have bigger fish to fry. I get plenty of cardio in (you should see me at a sample sale) and can work a Lululemon sweat suit with the best of them but give me a break. Also, it’s just so boring to talk about. We all want to be skinny bitches, I so get it and I surprisingly take relatively good care of myself. I am shallow like a kiddie pool and take pride in my 4 finger thigh gap but bitches be busy and sorry kittens, can’t make it to fucking Soul Cycle. I have shit to do.
Ariana Grande – Okay her voice is next level insane. And if she ends up recording one of my boyfriends songs I will have to probably delete this but listen… doesn’t she seem like such a C-U-Next-Tuesday? And why does she always look so fucking worried. Those eyes, she is going to have to inject the fuck out of her forehead. And that hair. I mean I know my tresses are only comparable to an over processed tumble weed diluted with extensions from some Ukrainian bitch but STILL – what is happening over there? Not to sound like Willow Smith but I be needing that hoe to whip her hair back and forth. I just don’t get it.
Candy Crush – If I see one more notification on Facebook alerting me that some dumbfuck I went to middle school with got to the next level of Candy Crush I am going to delete my Facebook account (just kidding – I need the free portal to self promote). I have never played Candy Crush but if I did I sure as fuck wouldn’t be publishing it on my newsfeed at 1pm on a WORK DAY. Gentlemen, some words of wisdom: if you ever want to get laid… please don’t invite a bitch to play Candy Crush, Farmville, Words with Friends, Angry Birds or whatever uninspiring app you are diddling away at in your mothers basement. It’s just not sexy. It’s called mystery people.
Dopplegangers – You literally can’t give yourself a celebrity doppelgänger without looking like a total asshole. To publicly declare that you look just like Kate Upton when you really look like Kirstie Alley circa 2008 is just embarrassing. And let’s say by chance you DO look eerily similar to a particular celebrity… it is still not okay. I’d like to think I look like a young Michelle Pfeiffer with Adriana Lima’s body but let’s be real, that is a huge crock of bullshit.