Team Hova

Everyone and their less attractive sister have been losing their SHIT over this Jay Z/ Solange elevator brawl. The good news is that this is Solanges biggest hit in years… Or ever. Who is Solange again? So now she is front page news for going apeshit and attacking Jay when we should be focusing on the real crime here…that jagged bowl cut Tina Knowles gave her. Although I am forever in awe of Yonce, her glowing complexion, impeccable weave and Swarovski encrusted leotards, I am not thrilled with the way she is handling this.  I get this isn’t her “beef” but she is the nucleus of this situation so I am going to need her cooperation.

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Why the fuck is she smiling? Super fun night out with my hubby and mentally stable sis! #LAWLS. She just sat in the elevator calm as fuck while her psyche ward escapee sister attacked her husband. Side note: I am so over celebrities professing to be “really private and introverted” – bitch please. Hey Bey, why don’t you call up Sasha Fierce and let her handle this one. Everyone rips me a new asshole when I have expressed this and I get she is being demure, reserved and classy but seriously? Don’t pull that ish with me Bey, I am sure you are “super shy”. That’s why you can perform in front of 20 million people with your labia hanging out. Own your shit and please folks be grown ups and release a statement.

First Solange deleted every photo of her and Beyoncé off of her Instagram and Twitter feed like a 4th grade bitch. First of all, if Beyoncé was MY sister I would never post photos of myself next to her. Obviously… THEN Beyoncé takes the “high road” like more mature 11th grade bitch and posts 300 cryptic Instagram pics with her and Solange being all lovey dovey #thewaywewere. When my sister and I get in arguments we yell at each other at the top of our lungs, take a few low blows, verbally attack each other, slam some doors then go get frozen yogurt… like fucking adults. In reality, them NOT addressing the situation and utilizing social media for people to draw their own conspiracy theories is far more dramatic than the alternative. 

Xanax prescriptions everywhere are being refilled like wildfire over this. How the fuck are we supposed to function properly with so many unanswered questions. Perhaps this all a pharmaceutical sales ploy. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? Could a bitch get some audio? Can’t the government pixelize the footage and hire a CIA trained mouth reader to see what the conversation is? Priorities people. We have all heard the 645 possible stories why Solange attacked. Maybe Hova is cheating, Solange got too “turnt up” (we as a society really need to stop using this phrase) or she was just super pissed that she was dressed as a goldfish all night. I call BULL on all of this. I am convinced that Solange has been dealing with deep-rooted anger management problems since she was never EVER made a member of the ever interchanging Destiny’s Child. They went through like 16 different fourth members. That has got to burn. Maybe “Bug-a-boo” was written about Solange after she begged and pleaded Daddy Knowles to let her in the band? Like not even for one week during the interim of Michelle Williams jumping on board? Like not even as an extra for the “Say My Name” music video?

The only conclusion I have drawn from this little scuffle is that I am totally Team Hova. Not only was HE the victim here, HE is also the only one not being a little passive aggressive biatch all over the internet. There is some serious vakakta feminism shit spread all over this situation but I am not nearly smart or articulate enough to comment on it. Jay, I am super down to be your vanilla boo. And if my goldfish ratchet bowl cut sister ever attacked you, I wouldn’t be chilling in my Givenchy gown spectating like a pussy. I am sure I am going to get colossally stung by the Bey Hive … but long hair don’t care. Bitches be cray, I love you Jay. #mrscarter 

 

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4 thoughts on “Team Hova

  1. disconcerted72 says:

    I beg to differ…
    Getting a Frozen Yogurt does not solve problems, I’ve seen that dripping down plenty of people’s faces.

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