How to Handle a Breakup Like a Bitch

They say when one door closes… another one opens. Unfortunately amidst a breakup the only door that is opening is the one to your pantry and/or liquor cabinet. Breakups are like internal deaths. You’re hurting to the core of your insides, lose control over your mind and matter and ultimately spiral downward into a carb-binging, social media stalking fit of anger and complete desperation all while INSISTING it was totez “mutual”.

For the record; there is no such fucking thing as a mutual breakup. Someone always has to initiate the devolution and that ladies and gentlemen is the dumper.The worst about being the dumpee is not having had a say in your new singledom. The best part is that if incredibly tactful and strong, your behavior POST breakup can give you ultimate control, respect and one very emotionally perplexed ex.

The second a break up happens perks of a relationship become VOID. Making him soup when his throat hurts? No. Calling to congratulate him on a job promotion? No. Having relations with him? No. Texting him just to see how his day is going? Fuck no. Communication is a luxury. If he wanted to bang, go on hikes and text you midday to talk about a great new sandwich spot he found he would still be dating you. Bye Felicia.

Whether or not we are embarrassed to admit it, getting drunken phone calls proclaiming our ex lovers unwithering admiration for us is fucking great. It warms the heart and quite frankly makes us feel like a queen. Reactions are the biggest gift we can give to an ex. It shows we still care and are still available to them emotionally. When I was in high school and my first boyfriend broke up with me I wrote him letters, had emotional breakdowns in the senior quad and insisted on calling him whenever I fell in a slump, because guys just LOVE hearing about their ex girlfriends emotional downpours.

“BUT HE WANTS TO STAY FRIENDS! I HAVE KNOWN HIM SINCE I WAS 6. HE LOVES ME! WE ARE EVENTUALLY GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER AND GET A GOLDEN RETRIEVER AND HAVE A WHITE PICKET FENCE AND ILL CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY SO HIS FAMILY WILL APPROVE AND PRETEND ITS SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO WEAR WHITE CAPRIS ON EASTER AND WE WILL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER! HE WANTS ME TO CALL HIM WHEN IM UPSET! HE TOLD ME WE ARE STILL BEST FRIENDS AND HE FUCKING LOVES ME!”

I remember my mother walking in and looking at me shamefully while I hid under my covers calling him just to say “hi” which then ultimately led to me to cross-examining his recent Facebook activity. “SO… saw you were at McDonald’s for lunch. Did you bring your new WHORE there?!” #notcute. Like a solid maternal figure, she sat me down ever so tenderly and told me I seemed super pathetic, clingy and needed to get a new (better looking and older) boyfriend ASAP to redeem myself. She even offered to pay a handsome family friend to accompany me to my school dance #motherhood. One amazing way to counteract bad behavior is to pull a bipolar Betsy, throw them off your downward spiral and get a new shiny (boy)toy.

This can be a slippery slope because nothing is more transparent than a scorn lover TRYING to make someone jealous. This is why mystery plays such a huge role in this step. Relationship rebounds are as timeless as a Chanel tweed. When properly accessorized and tailored…it just never fails. If you are a sick fuck like me, you just find a majorly attractive gay guy to take discreet candid pictures with and have your bestie casually post them on the internet with a cryptic caption like “cuties” OR just throw yourself at anyone with 2 legs (debatable), a 401K and low self esteem…like a lady. I have learned that these are not fabulous options.

Whether or not you are dating Ryan Gosling or Ryan the fucking Manager of Jamba Juice it’s none of your exes damn business. As far as he knows you are over him, blissfully happy and better off without him which burns like a motha fucka. If you allow yourself to really pursue this idea, in time you will move on. It takes a shit ton of work and willpower but in the end it’s your only real option. As a bonus; it will drive them fucking crazy. Independence is sexy and the ultimate revenge. The only person you should be looking after is yourself and if you are really doing that trust me it will translate.

The bottom line is breakups happen for a reason. And although it easier to fall back or hope for a reconciliation there is really nothing one person can do to change the destiny of a relationship. They say it takes two to tango, which means if you are dancing alone you better be on tempo, look fabulous and when all else fails – hire a handsome choreographer.

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