So tonight was like a blend of Magic Mike, Animal House and To Catch a Predator. I swore to all my family and friends that if Nick S made it through with his pedophilic receding hairline I was going to shank myself. Can we all agree that at least 34% of these guys are closeted homosexuals and/or have made minor appearances on Megan’s Law? I like how ABC makes sure they keep around the minorities for the first few weeks to avoid any type of racial discrimination lawsuits. I personally would love a brotha Bachelor, then maybe we could see some real dancing and not this limb flandering bullshit and awkward swaying to B-list country bands. Ugh.
Andi’s first one on one date was with Eric who recently passed away hence why I won’t be dissecting this date with my usual aggressive tone. ABC really exploited the fuck out of that one… he seemed very sweet, sincere and I’d hit it – moving on…
For the group date, Andi wrangles her slew of men and makes them grind and strip for… charity? Listen, I know a thing or 2 about manipulating the weak-willed for “charity” that solely benefits yours truly (ehem Charity Hoax) but c’mon. This was no Magic Mike situation… this was like a special ed homosexual talent show. Not down. And what the fuck was with the robot costume? So to celebrate the guys super special and admirable philanthropy work, Andi shimmys into a Charlotte Ruse polyester bodycon dress and hangs with the gang of losers at the house. Bradley the opera singer sounds like my fucking Cantor from Hebrew school. I want to punch him right in the vocal cords. Craig gets wasted and looks like an old sweaty frat boy who has definitely been accused of date rape on 4 separate occasions #frontrunner. He is not hott enough to pull that kind of behavior off, duh.
For her second one on one date Andi goes out with the “farmer” Chris. Where do they cast for this fucking show? The line to collect unemployment? Andi and Chris head to the horse races and I bet it’s super awky for Chris since he probably lost his virginity to some form of livestock. Raise your hand if you believe they just CASUALLY ran into that old married couple. Exactly… Andi and Cotton-eyed Joe end their date awkwardly swaying to some singer who has a pubic haired beard. And why the hell are the dancing in a roped off area… could they be more white? This scene makes me YEARN for a black Bachelor/Bachelorette like nothing else. Really? Two things that piss me off: bad rhythm and side buns. Kill me.
Craig (frat rat) Carl (Travis Barker and Adrien Brody’s lovechild) and Nick S (Megan’s Law) all went home and nobody cared.