Tori Spelling – I have refrained from mentioning that fame whoring plastic turtle faced trainwreck for months now. Much to my dismay, last night my boyfriend and I got transfixed into a Tori & Dean shitshow on Lifetime. What a classy brood. First Tori & Dean’s fairytale love affair begins with both of them cheating on their spouses, getting married, popping out some kids, opening a fucking bed and utilizing their c-list celebrity status to shit out basically any reality television show concept they can think of. I was always confused by this given that Tori is the daughter of television mega-mogul Aaron Spelling. Like does she really need to be living in the fucking valley with pergo flooring and synthetic hair extensions? I mean I get it… if I had Tori Spelling as a daughter I would cut her out of my will also which sucks because her children are going to need more therapy then the Jacksons and that shit be pricey. I too need therapy after seeing Tori’s cry face. Boo-fucking-hoo you dumb bitch.
Vanilla – This may seem really fucking weird but I want to make a public statement on my serious distaste for women who still think it is okay to have their personal scent be “vanilla”. If you are still working a vanilla body spray you need to seriously re-evaluate some of your life choices. Vanilla body spray is something you get from your poor relative on Christmas, not a legitimate fragrance. When I get a whiff of some basic bitch working her True Religion jeans headed to grab some super delish froyo she always smells like fucking vanilla. You want to smell like Coldstone Creamery? YuMmY!
Candy Crush – I can say with steadfast assurance I have lost at least 3 years of my life this week alone stressing over the abundance of Candy Crush invites I have received. There is one person imparticalur that I am Facebook friends with that has sent me 6 a day for the past few weeks. Given that my main purpose OF my Facebook is to obnoxiously self promote and post flattering photos of myself, defriending people feels unkosher but I just don’t know what else to do. I have contemplated offering her a monthly sum so she can buy herself more lifes and stop teasing my emotions when I see a notification flag and wishfully think its an ex boyfriend liking a photo or some rude hoe from highschool trying to reach out. But no… it’s always Candy Crush. It’s just embarrassing, get it together.
White Sunglasses – Just…no. Especially guys. Don’t do it.
Selfie Portraits – This a a version of the selfie that far exceeds its narcissism and overall ick factor. My favorite type is the “candid” selfie portrait. Like ohh look at me looking out into the distance enjoying the scenery while I contort my arm behind me so it LOOKS like someone else took the photo when it’s really a solo mission. Then I will caption the shameful snapshot with some vague sUpeR iNdiE song lyric. So deep, so hipster, so quiche #not.
Group Texts- Is there anything more awkward then a group text? Especially when you don’t know some of the recipients. A few months ago I had the displeasure of being included in a group text where inside jokes were flowing and I seriously misjudged my audience by commenting on a certain conversation joking that our friend was the “ultimate closet rapist” and all us girls should watch our drinks. Apparently, rape jokes aren’t highly regarded amongst strangers because I received a very stern response advising me that rape jokes are never funny and I was basically disciplined by a stranger with an audience of 12 and then had to apologize to someone I had never met via fucking group text. That was pretty cool.