Barefoot Cuntessa

Yesterday I spent 4 hours watching that fat ass Ina Garten waddle around her Hamptons humble abode and make all of her “effortlessly chic” meals. I will admit Barefoot Cuntessa is my fave cooking show and I genuinely enjoy her recipes and pretentious demeanor. What I can’t deal with is how many times she says the word “decadent”, her plump fingers finagling raw meat and her over sized polo shirts. She tries to overplay the whole rustic lifestyle, it’s like bitch you live in waterfront mansion with a closeted homosexual husband. Also, Matilda called and wants her hairstyle back. Ina pretends all of her recipes appeal to the everyday woman when in reality 96% of them include ingredients you sure as fuck won’t find at your neighborhood Vons.”It’s a super simple desert classic the kids will love. All you need is a imported French macaroon press, a mechanical sifter, locally sourced quail eggs, cashew milk and edible 14 karat gold sprinkles!” Seriously Ina? Go fuck yourself. Every time she goes to her specialty seafood shop or exotic cheese store you can just feel the sexual tension. She is obviously exchanging fellatio for a prime sea bass or the perfectly pungent brie cheese.

You may think I being too harsh to the Barefoot Cuntessa and your probably right. But in hopes of excusing my behavior you may want to take a peek at this. So nasty and so rude (Real Housewives reference…)

So after hours of watching Ina blow a cheese specialist, wrap centerpieces in burlap and skillfully trying to differentiate her wrist from her forearm I decided to give one of her recipes a go. Last time this year I was gallivanting in Paris with a beret and a permanent bottle of champs in my hand so naturally when I saw my bitch whooping this French dish up, I thought it would be perfect to make. I subbed out many of Ina’s faaaaaabulous ingredients for more accessible items you prob already have in the kitchen and added some special bitchy touches cause I am super considerate and down to earth…

MOULES FRITES

mussels+and+fries+2_edited-1

  • 2 cups of white wine
  • 1 medium sized shallot
  • 5 cloves of garlic
  • Bunch of Italian parsley
  • 4 tablespoons of butter
  • 1 lb of mussels
  • 1 lemon (zested)
  • Crushed red pepper, S+P
  • Olive oil (#duh)
  • 5 russet potatoes

– Preheat oven to 420 degrees.
– Slice potatoes into fry like strips
– Toss with olive oil, s+p
– Bake until golden brown, top with parmesan

– Mince garlic and shallots. Add to pot with olive oil, butter, dash of s+p, double dash of   crushed red pepper (more if you’re a spicy bitch) sauté for a couple minutes.
– Add alcohol, turn up the heat and let reduce for few minutes.
– Add mussels. Cover and let cook on higher heat for 5 minutes or until all of the mussels have opened up (toss the ones that don’t)
– Top with chopped parsley and lemon zest. Serve with frites and your fave cocktail.

Voilà! 

 

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18 comments

  1. I am in complete agreement with you on this. I can’t stand Ina, but always seem glued to her television show which is super annoying. she touches her fingers way too much and what’s with the popped collar? can’t.

    1. I hate myself for watching but I just cant stop. The popped collar is so painfully unnecessary and when she starts moaning while she tastes the food I get next level uncomfortable! I just can’t either

  2. This is spot on. I have a sick relationship with watching her. You forgot to mention how she always pronounces her hubs name so that we all know it’s GEOFFery not JEFFery.

  3. I haven’t watched her waddle around the kitchen since poor Enzo had to use his 2nd wish and swim with dolphins……….no new shows since.

    “Someone might be in the market for a new PR team.
    “Barefoot Contessa” Ina Garten has a new nickname — “Heartless Contessa” — in the wake of news that she repeatedly refused to meet with a 6-year-old boy named Enzo who was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia.”

  4. OMG…you are my new best friend. I am in hysterics, and I thank you from the bottom of my evil/bitchy heart. I too am addicted to the nauseating hauteur and pretentiousness that I Ima.

    1. Then we definitely have a future as best friends, I feel the same way. I love her but also want to hit her over the head with one of her handcrafted italian $4,000 spatulas.

  5. The episode titled “Shake it up” has one of my favorite misquotes of Ina’s, at roughly 26 mins into the episode while making the cocktails, she states that James Bond had it all wrong with stirred, not shaken.
    Really, Ina.. Really? It’s shaken, not stirred. But of course Ina always assumes she’s right and moves on with the episode, which makes me wonder why no one ever calls her on her BS. That fucking blue shirted, grimace shaped bitch.

  6. I was searching the Barefoot Contessa and found your blog. I find your observations appalling and your language vulgar. But I read more of your posts to see if you just were venting, nope that is the way you roll. After I read that you dated guys who made you watch the Family Guy, etc. I had you pegged. Congratulations, you get the bitch of 2014 award. Bet you won’t post this.

  7. Oh man, I’m dying! I had no idea so many felt the same way I do about Ina. You said pretty much everything I ever thought about her, from her disgustingly huge dumpy dress shirts (no Ina, black is not slimming on you) to her discolored sausage rolls she calls fingers. 95% of the reason I watch her show is so I can make fun of her, the other 5% is because I’m a fatty and like watching food. At this very moment I am watching her while I eat mac n cheese. Thank you, your delightfully honest post brightened my day, as I deal with a teething 4 month old.

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