Friend Zone

Many have said it is impossible for men and women to have strictly platonic relationships. I have disputed this since I have many close male friends that I wouldn’t touch sexually with a 23 foot pole while wearing a SARS mask but I admit it would be nice to think they are all secretly in love with me. To recount the lengths I have discussed my backed up digestive system, they have bared witness to my verbal abuse or the way I can shove a Bloomin Onion down I am acutely certain this is just not the case. Nowadays with dating websites, tinder, instagram and all these other fuckloads of ways to meet people, it is often easier to retreat from technology and reassess your pool of friends for a potential love interest. I am adamant that you should never be “looking” for a boyfriend or girlfriend because that scent is as pungent and desperate as Kathy Griffin performing a cable special.

Women are more emotional beings and naturally more used to having deeper relationships. I have literally met someone and 15 minutes later am literally talking them off of the cliff from their recent breakup while they cry in my arms and run black tears on my white chiffon top. I wanted to tell her to cry on the inside like a winner and invest in some waterproof mascara but I am a lady booming with compassion. Women just have the ability to be vulnerable and emotional so it is easier and more common for them to form extensive alliances. I am sure there is a statistic somewhere that goes along with my theory but I don’t give a flying fuck to find it #google.

Because of this lost statistic, I believe that men are the primary tenants of the “friend zone”. After building a connection with a female as a friend and genuinely learning to enjoy their company, there is always a moment when the penis gets a perking and thinks “Hmmm… I like to chill and hang. Maybe we should bang?” I seriously live for a good rhyme #thelittlethings. Tapping into your women’s intuition we then recognize our pals pique of interest and we pounce. Simple “hey” turns into “hey you ;)” and our ovaries explode like Fukushima. So you invite them over, polish of a bottle of wine or two and selfishly take advantage of the fact that you KNOW they are secretly in love with you. Usually initiated by ALSO KNOWING your ex boyfriend got a hot new girlfriend so you hate your life, are living for #TBT so you can finally post pics of yourself pre-freshman 15 and just REALLY need an ego stroke. It’s not commendable but we have all done it.

Here is the kicker… once you penetrate you are never just “friends”. You are now “friends who bang” which is weird, unnatural and just fucking awkward. Friends don’t fornicate. It becomes a guessing game for outsiders “will they or won’t they” and ultimately ends in dating, some bullshit façade of “friendship” or total deterioration of the relationship. You can try and pretend you  aren’t imagining their undescended testicle while you shop for new duvet covers, act excited to go out to brunch with him and his new girlfriend or insist that you guys are totally like “brother and sister”. Unless you live in buttfuck Kentucky – none of that shit is going to fly. So kittens, before you decide to walk the rocky terrain of friends turned lovers remember the Friend Zone isn’t the worst place to be. And just know once you see their pee-pee, staying “just friends” is creepy.



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