Andi gets shit started on the hometown dates by heading to Milwaukee. Sick moves Nick. What the fuck is up with Nick and his obviously rented family members? This is like the poster family for contraceptive pills and condoms. That little buck-toothed, polka dotted, hair bobbed beezy with her list of questions. Never wanted to punch myself in the face more with that cheesy ass music and LYFE lessons with Andi #LAWLS. Oh Bella, John Robert powers called and wants their client back. Nick is sitting on the couch with his real mother dropping major waterworks get your shit together you worm. I’m just not that into you, your 57 siblings and your selection of outlet mall outerwear #cutescarfgirl
Next up Andi goes to meet Chris the fucking “farmer” in IOWA. “There is a difference between being excited to be here and living here” no shit. I had mentally blocked Chris out of my potential finalist roster because a) he’s a farmer and b) he’s from Iowa. Although I must say he totally won me over on his hometown with his house and rented plane. I mean it’s nothing to doodle in your diary over and tractors give me anxiety but whatever, I love a man with real estate. #sickvestbro AWWWW a picnic in the dead field! Am I having a quarter life crisis or am I actually starting to grow very fond of Mr. Red State “What would I do here?” Valid point Andi. Then they head over to Chris’s families house and I was pleasantly surprised. Who knew they could have such an affinity for statement jewelry? I literally became sexually excited by Chris’s sisters pearl/ swarovski combo. Chic bitch. Iowa here I come.
“Finally we are in my hometown of Tampa and I am so pumped. I can’t wait to show Andi off!” #douchebag. Is anyone else super anxious by Josh’s energy? He literally makes me lust for a sedative. Why have they spent 15 minutes talking about Josh’s little brother Aaron? Are they banging or something? Next level confused. He better be hott. Well.. that was wishful thinking. WHY THE FUCK IS THIS WHOLE HOMETOWN ABOUT FUCKING AARON AND HIS POTENTIAL FOOTBALL CAREER?! Are they hoping that some Coach is a closet Bachelorette fan? IF I HEAR AARONS NAME ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO RIP OUT ONE OF JOSH’S AWKWARDLY LARGE TEETH AND SHANK MYSELF WITH IT.
Andi meets Marcus in Dallas and takes her to some rapey nightclub. Sounds like a great romcom plot line. I used to think Marcus was so hot but after that vakakta Village People number I am left with serious uncertainty. They go to meet with Marcus’s dysfunctional family (what are there issues exactly, can someone clue a bitch in?) His niece gives them some janky party favor bracelets and Marcus cries outside to his brother. I can’t deal with this shit. Sometimes this show gets so fucking dramatic I feel like it is going to prompt an early menstrual cycle.
Wait… why are they hanging out at Chris Harrison’s home? God I hope that’s a rental. Clearly ABC isn’t paying him enough for this. Then Chris tells them all about the death of former contestant. I mean… this seemed incredibly unnecessary and exploitive AND made me cry. Not what I anticipated during my 4 hours of guilty pleasure Monday evening television.
Now I am totally depressed and totally in need of a refill. Marcus gets the boot which makes me even more upset that she didn’t let that fratty douche Josh leave so he can go back to Tampa and make out with his brother Aaron.