Is Karma a Bitch?

Yesterday I spent 35 minutes trying to locate a Dairy Queen for a mint Dilly bar and in the pursuit ended up at a sketchy TJ MAXX looking for discount dog toys when a stranger came up to me who recognized me from my blog. I should mention that second to winning a lip sync competition on a cruise ship, that is the highlight of my life. It’s the little things bitches.

She asked me if I had figured out recycling yet (I reassured her I was still very much a one bin kind of woman) and asked me what I was currently working on. I gave her some small details on shit and she gave me a hug and whispered in my ear “You have good karma on your side! Good Things are going to happen for you! Keep your truth.” Well fuck. I’ve never found such spiritual refuge in a discount resale store, let alone in an aisle full of mismatched coffee mugs and fucked up dog toys. I literally almost cried that was like the nicest shit anyone ever said to me. (Katherine if you are reading this I should’ve bought you that heinous vase you were holding onto. Send me receipt and I’ll pay you for it #cheaperthantherapy)

I walked out of TJ MAXX with $3.99 truffle salt, a bag of ankle socks and internal optimism. I felt high from Kitty Kat’s kind words but couldn’t help and over analyze her first comment “You have karma on your side!” I mean… yesterday I wrote about a 7 year old and called her a “buck toothed, polka dot wearing, bob-haired bitch” so karma doesn’t seem to be something propelling my success. As I meandered the streets of some inland empire-esque city where I likely will never return I began to feel like I was on a spiritual journey. Thinking about life, wondering how I would make it back to the 10 freeway, contemplating whether I’d get shot if I stopped for a burrito. But I just couldn’t get this nasty bitch named Karma we all speak of so regularly out of my head.

Is Karma really a nasty bitch or just a funny one with an affinity for sequins and an unfiltered sense of humor? If you think about it, really amazing things happen to really terrible people and really horrible things happen to truly wonderful people so what’s the logic there? We have all heard this shit a million times “what goes around comes around!” or “everything happens for a reason!” I mean if people find solace in that ideology – super. I think a lot of things happen without any good reason. Taylor Hicks winning American Idol, acid wash denim, the Sex and the City movie sequel, Kendall Jenner’s modeling career… all without good reason.

Shouldn’t we just rely on good intentions, hard work, perseverance and figure flattering hemlines to get us where we need to be? Or should we just chalk it all up to what the universe or “karma” thinks we deserve? Is this all just some bogus ideal meant to scare people into doing the right thing or softening the blows of daily life? Fuck my head hurts. I guess in theory I just hope that if Karma is in fact a bitch, I really hope she reads my blog.



4 thoughts on “Is Karma a Bitch?

  1. Patty Cali Ronen says:

    Having had some experience in the karmic department….or rather waiting in line to see if there is indeed heinous retribution in store for say your best friend that sleeps with your husband, breaks up your marriage/family and marries said cheating husband. The-best-of-Jerry-Springer jury is still out. This is what I do know. Having spent the better part of those first two years repetitively saying, singing, whistling the tune to “I hope they just go to hell”…I found myself with my bestie, blended icy cocktail in hand, boating on a stunning lake in upstate NY on a hot summer August week of antiquing, rafting, relaxing and laughing from sun up to sun down. Did I mention that I was basking in my suicide weight bikini with NO KIDS? When it occurs to me that “the cheaters” and their now collective blended family of SEVEN children under the age of 9 are traipsing around Disneyworld in the searing wet heat of ungodly Florida in the summer, bleeding cash and no doubt witnessing one childhood melt down after another. When it occurs to me….THEY MADE IT!!! THEY ARE IN HELL! And I am not. The moral to the story is that blended cocktails beat the shit out of blended families. And perhaps the karmic powers that be understand this basic fact of life and healing. I’m still not entirely sure if this moment was the definitive karmic moment inspiring total belief in the program but I’m inclined to go with it and if indeed karma is a bitch I’m pretty sure she’s a really big fan of yours.

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