Life Lessons From Paris Hilton

I don’t know if many of you followed Paris Hilton’s music career circa 2006 but I sure as fuck did. I was especially taken by her classic hit “Jealousy” which boasted the thought provoking lyrics “Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy… it’s such an evil thang”. Rumor had it the song was about Nicole Richie. Despite her skunky highlights and dabbling in heroine, I always knew Nicole would end up on top. You go girl. Paris, passive aggression is never a cute look … neither are your Ukranian extensions, vakakta fold over mini skirts and disgraceful display of embroidered halter tops. Get your shit together already.

Yesterday, I had a really fan-fucking-tastic day. Professionally things have really come full circle and shit I only imagined in my delusional head are actually coming to fruition. Don’t get an ovary boner… I haven’t started adapting the principles of “The Secret” I still think that shit is DUMB AS FUCK. I solely attribute recent happenings to hard work, restraining order worthy persistence and a huge dose of luck. Like any bitch, when great things happen to me instead of having internal pride and feeling full with a sense of accomplishment, I turn to Instagram. Because let’s be honest what’s the point of doing anything great in life if you can’t share it with 650 people you haven’t seen since high school?

Naturally when you put yourself out there (like I always obnoxiously have) you become susceptible to not so fabulous feedback. As a repercussion to my actions, I received the following email “Stop bragging. Everyone knows you either have your daddy help you or had to bang a producer to get anywhere in life.” This shit really ticked a bitch off. Firstly, my father is in real estate and proven to be only a liability to my career as he insists on having his lawyer look over anything I’ve ever had to sign  (even if it was a fucking field trip form) and likes to make awkward office visits while he snaps pics on his phone of me candidly “working” so he can show friends and family. Like look! My daughter dropped out of college against my will, has been delinquent with her electricity bill so she can buy Loboutins but at least she is working! I have pics to prove it! What a jew. Secondly, I have banged a producer and it gotten me fucking nowhere. So fuck off.

I called my gay Sherpa and read him the email. “She is obviously just jealous.”  I hate when people just assume people are “just jealous”. Maybe you are an uptight bitch, self-righteous mother-fucker or are a huge asshole? We should make a vow as females not to automatically think people who are rude to us are simply jealous. Perhaps a bit more internal soul-searching is due before we concede the culprit be jealousy because you might just really suck. I get that may be a tough pill to swallow but the good news is it goes down easier with a stiff dirty martini. I may be a lot of things; socially insensitive, perpetually constipated and painfully delusional (I blame my mother for telling me I looked like a young Kelly Russell when I was in middle school. In reality I looked like ET with lethal jew frizz, braces and cloak of false self-confidence) but I have just never been a jealous person. I am sick in the way that I take on anyone I loves personal victories as my own and genuinely make myself believe I am a key factor in their success.

Bitches who are intimidated by you, will speak poorly of you in hopes of tarnishing your sparkle to others. Whether it be jealousy (ew), insecurity, genuine dislike or just way too much time on their hands, bitches best be making their hatas their motivatas.And aren’t we all just too busy to give a shit anyways? Bitch Bible Prophecy: Playas they gonna play. Hater’s they gonna hate. Ballers they gonna ball. Shotcallers they gonna call. That ain’t got nuthin to do, with me and you. That’s the way it is #3LW and also Nicole > Paris … always.

 

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