“The Bachelorette” Recap

I am going to make this short and sweet because I am still nauseous from that 3 hour gag fest of Dominican Republic areal shots, disappointing outfits and insincere PDA. I love Andi (#stop) but that shit not only prompted an early menstrual cycle but also made me want to die by way of choking myself with one of Nick’s infinity scarves. But seriously, if I have to see one more red rose, glittering gown or beige toothed bachelors I am going to shank myself. Thank God it’s over (I prefer The Bachelor anyways – the girls always get sluttier). Here is a quick rundown from last night.

  • White converse need to be banned from this fucking show.
  • So do maxi dresses and side braids – I get your appealing to the masses but give me a break. 2010 called and wants their wardrobe department back.
  • Andy’s dad is so cute I want to bake him in marinara sauce.
  • Drinking game: sip every time Nick says “like” and get ready to have your stomach pumped.
  • Josh should be happy he won considering the filler flower bouquet he gifted Andi’s mother.
  • It totally seemed like Andi was telling Nick he was the one… LAWLZ.
  • The sand Nick stole from their date is technically contraband and to think of him globetrotting with a small bag of sand is the gayest thing of all time.
  • If they took out all the embarrassing shots of them looking solemnly out into the Dominican sea, the show would really only be 12 minutes long.
  • How much did ABC have to invest for that perfectly coordinated breakup rainstorm?
  • Josh’s energy gives me anxiety and instantly makes me lust for a Xanax.
  • Andi’s rose ceremony dress hurts my feelings.
  • Something about this love fest feels wildly insincere and actually aggressive. “No I love you more!” “FOREVER!”
  • Andi needs to file a restraining order against Nick – ASAP. I smell a bunny boiling…

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I really hope Andi and Josh have a long blissful life together filled with menage trois filled Sundays with his brother Aaron, awkward frowning faces and weird headbutt kissing. Kill me.

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4 comments

  1. Could there have been a more awkward break up than Nick and Andi. I did see any of the season, but that was the most awkward silence I have ever witnessed. And I’ve endured a lifetime of that crap.

  2. Ok, first wtf is wrong with Josh? He was totally acting like an 8th grade girl….I mean, stop the kissy/touchy/mauling bullshit! Was this his first time dating without his brother?? Yeah, total turn off at the end!! Nick is…..well, Nick. Don’t care, never did #boringtinyboy Still would have gone for Chris #combinelove (large tractor type vehicle) #nextbachelor!
    For now, I will just wait…..RHONY reunion is calling…..

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