Instagram is Ruining My Life

UNFOLLOWED & UNENTHUSED I track my followers closer than I do any irregular moles, my menstrual cycle and my ill maintained weave. So one would be able to draw the conclusion I favor my Instagram audience over my own health… Which I think really go hand in hand because when some bitch I went to highschool with unfollows me it really fucks with my seratonin levels. I know this because I have an app that tracks this shit for me #21stcenturygirl. My immediate rebuttal is one of two maneuvers, I either go on a double tap rampage or passive aggressively unfollow them (if there profile isn’t private and I still have access to their shameless duck faced filterlicious selfies). I then engage in a serious downward spiral “why did they unfollow me? am I not funny? too much self promo? did I offend them? does my filter game suck ass?” It all can be so overwhelming, but everyone reading this should know… if you have unfollowed me you are on my shit list and I suggest you refollow me in next 24 hours or your basically dead to me. Big kiss.

OVERLY-FILTERED AND OVER-EXPOSED I am very well aware of my strengths and weaknesses as a human being both in the flesh and via the internet. I like to think I am self-deprecating and charming but can’t deny the fact that I am irreparably obnoxious. Instagram serves as the ultimate danger zone for obnoxious people like myself. Beyond being grossly gaudy, I am also grossly anti-social. Therefor selling an ovary to purchase a pair of Louboutins seems ridiculous given that they will most likely never get to be showcased outside of my apartment. This is when Instagram gets to me… now I can show off my overly priced shoewear to give them the exposure they deserve but then also end up being one of “those girls”. In the same shameful respect, if I have had a solid week of proper digestion (which NEVER happens) and I happen to find myself in a bikini sans food baby I need photographic evidence. It makes me hate myself in a big way. Unfortunately not enough to make me take it down because I suck and want to show off what I worked or shit hard for. I GUFFAW at others for their overly filtered, gayly captioned, self-indulgent pictures – but have found myself being one of them on more occasions than I will ever admit. Fuck my life.

LIKES FOR LIKES If I don’t receive double-digit likes within half an hour I will delete my pic which speaks to a deeper issue; my need for approval. I am positive no one has posted and deleted a single photo more than I have… If I post something at noon and I don’t get the likes I think I deserve I will delete and blame it on “poor timing – people must be out to lunch where cellphones aren’t allowed!” and will repost around 6pm when people are home and consuming an alcoholic beverage. The Grey Goose always got your liking fingers feelin loose. The caption is such a crucial part of the posting process. It should be witty but curt, funny but not trying too hard and unisex. My hell is an emoji boasting caption. For example; “Love the life you live <3” just fucking shoot me in the face. Song lyrics simply shouldn’t be allowed as insta-captions because it makes you insta-stupid. Also any saying you would find painted on a plaque your grandmother has hanging in her janky inland empire kitchen shouldn’t be allowed either “live, life, love” #GROSS.

DOUBLE TAP DOWNFALL I’ve said it one I’ll say it again; I am one creepy bitch. Private profiles signify deep-rooted issues for me. I get wanting to keep your photographic moments for yourself but that’s what we call a scrapbook. I understand the thrill and mystery of a private profile, it makes you seem busy and obsolete. With a public setup friend requests are 100x more flattering because when people already have full access to your photos and STILL follow you, it really means something. It’s kind of like a social media promise ring…by Lorraine Schwartz. Being a fan of public profiles, I often peruse distant strangers photos without committing. Ex boyfriends, co-workers, creepy neighbors – you name it! The problem is sometimes when I stumble on a profile I get so excited, my fingers start to twitch and I accidentally “like” a photo from like 2 fucking years ago. You just CANT ever recover from something like that and it has been the black cloud over my usual sunny day for a long time now. This happened a few weeks ago whilst stalking a huge bitch I went to school with who is a total life ruiner. After LENGTHY research I found her profile and began trolling back in time. I was overcome with glee to see that she is living in a place with cottage cheese ceilings and a twin bed when I accidentally gave her the ultimate compliment – a double tap. Even if you immediately unlike something, they will still receive the notification. I learned that the hard way… Her profile is now private.

@JackieSchimmel #shameless


2 thoughts on “Instagram is Ruining My Life

  1. Alex Beauchamp says:

    oh my fucking G, this post is gold. I too, received a notification that some huge bitch from HS liked my photo, just to unlike and it always made me wonder, made me wonder….

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