How To Be a Bitch In Business

Being a young business woman (#not) in 2014 is not an easy task. Haunted by alleged glass ceilings, which actually sounds super chic,to stand out and excel one must be tenacious, hard-working and professional. As I have courageously left the comforts of a 9-5 office job and set sail on the tumultuous waters of building my brand, I have come to the harsh reality that I am not nearly as professional as I had imagined. I would rather eat a puppy then wear wide leg slacks or a heel lower than 4 inches and find there to be far too many shades of grey within sexual harassment policies. Racism can be super funny. I have always bonded with people by discussing my digestive system at length, removing my weave and throwing it across the room as a party trick or woo-ing them with my dead on impersonation of Carla Tate in “The Other Sister” (a classic tale of an autistic young woman leaving the nest). Unfortunately, most of these tricks of the trade don’t hold up well in a conference room. Here are some lessons I have learned the hard way as a Bitch in the business world.

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No holocaust jokes – As a partially converted jew, my mother insisted Saturday mornings were dedicated to holocaust movies to show us what “our” people went through. While the other neighborhood kids were playing kickball and watching cartoons, my mother had us strapped to the sofa for an uplifting showing of “Schindler’s List”. Because of these unfortunate childhood memories, I have embraced some of the lingo in my everyday jargon. A term I use constantly in particular when confronted with difficult decisions in the work place: “Sophies Choice!”. For those who are not privy to this Meryl Streep classic, google it. Back when I was a bitch in the corporate world and I would meander to the office kitchen and take note of the selection of different bagels, I would try to make idle chit-chat with my coworkers and say things like “Wow, there are so many bagels today. This is like Sophie’s Choice!” Perhaps the asian guys from accounting weren’t my target audience. Needless to say HR wasn’t pleased with my impressive pop culture reference.

Don’t flub your resume. True story, my resume once stated that I was bilingual, graduated college with a 3.8 gpa and was well versed in Microsoft Excel, Powerpoint and dabbled in competitive fencing. The truth is I rely on Google for almost everything and have only spent a cumulative 5 hours on an actual college campus. I consider charisma, flawless incorporation of business casual sequins and Real Housewives trivia my strongest assets. Saying you speak fluent Spanish and then being summoned to communicate with the office repair man who doesn’t speak English is an awkward way for your boss to find out you lied on your resume.

Be mindful of email recipients. I am a very impulsive person. I am still learning how to think before I speak, proofread before I publish and flush before I flee. I have had a hard time accepting the fact that I just don’t translate via email. Day 3 of my previous job, I received an email from my sister and my boss about 2 seconds apart. My sister’s email asked me what street Neiman Marcus was on and my bosses email asked where I had placed the spare company Blackberry’s. I responded to my sister saying “They are located on the bottom shelf of the storage closet”. I responded to my bosses email saying “You are a fucking retard”. I then went on my lunch break and came back to a very veklempt inbox. Whoopsie.

Don’t get really drunk at the holiday party. I could go into details but I will spare you. When I drink too much I perform interpretive dance numbers or insist on picking up the bar tab for strangers who look like they have “kind eyes and gentle souls” like a Ketel One fueled creep. Save yourself from a seriously awkward elevator ride the next morning and keep your buzz at bay.

Remember it’s okay to ask for help. I’ll be honest, I would rather spend hours learning through trial and error than admit I don’t know how to do something. I have a rare disease where I think I am smart enough to figure anything and everything out by myself or with help from Siri. Unfortunately this is not true, especially with that whore Siri. She brings NOTHING to the table, I fucking hate her. Sometimes, a bitch just needs to ask for help. Surprisingly most people find someone requesting their help a HUGE ego boost and are happy to help. So before you volunteer yourself to takeover the company photo directory so you can play marry, fuck, kill on your downtime and consequently delete all 300 photos from the server… you may want to ask for a quick tutorial.

 

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