50 Shades of Gay

I like to think I make the perfect beard. I get aroused by gold lamé, put together a gorgeous Sunday brunch and can quote every Real Housewife tagline both past and present seasons. I have been romantic with many a potential backdoor lover and dame myself an expert in all things fag haggery. Here are some surefire signs that your boyfriend wants to tickle a pickle. 


  • He knows the difference between Yves Saint Laurent and Saint Laurent.
  • He only knows the terms “wide-reciever” and “tight-end” when it comes to sports.
  • He speaks in hashtags #likesitupthebutt
  • He drinks rosé and watches the Real Housewives with you… voluntarily.
  • He is under no circumstances trying to penetrate you.
  • He thinks ear cuffs are the new body chain.
  • He suffers from limp wrist syndrome.
  • His instagram username fudgepacker69.
  • He offers you “charcuterie” and/or “fromage when you go to his place.
  • His drink of choice has grenadine in it.
  • He gets erect for a good juice spot and the perfect kale chip.
  • He uses the term YAAAAAS in lieu of a hetero yes.
  • He watches gay porn like this gem.
  • He uses more than 1 emoji per conversation.
  • He has headshots even though they are not prevalent to his career… you know just for fun #gay
  • He owns a Ke$ha cd and insists he too is “hot and dangerous”.
  • He fucks guys.

It’s not that weird to be a guy’s beard, but you should know when you’re romantic with a homo.



5 thoughts on “50 Shades of Gay

  1. disconcerted72 says:

    Granted, I love to watch Real Housewives, but I have NEVER exhibited any of those other things…
    …but then again, I’m more hetero than homo anyways.

    Out of curiosity, this rant originates because of….?

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