I like to think I make the perfect beard. I get aroused by gold lamé, put together a gorgeous Sunday brunch and can quote every Real Housewife tagline both past and present seasons. I have been romantic with many a potential backdoor lover and dame myself an expert in all things fag haggery. Here are some surefire signs that your boyfriend wants to tickle a pickle.
- He knows the difference between Yves Saint Laurent and Saint Laurent.
- He only knows the terms “wide-reciever” and “tight-end” when it comes to sports.
- He speaks in hashtags #likesitupthebutt
- He drinks rosé and watches the Real Housewives with you… voluntarily.
- He is under no circumstances trying to penetrate you.
- He thinks ear cuffs are the new body chain.
- He suffers from limp wrist syndrome.
- His instagram username fudgepacker69.
- He offers you “charcuterie” and/or “fromage when you go to his place.
- His drink of choice has grenadine in it.
- He gets erect for a good juice spot and the perfect kale chip.
- He uses the term YAAAAAS in lieu of a hetero yes.
- He watches gay porn like this gem.
- He uses more than 1 emoji per conversation.
- He has headshots even though they are not prevalent to his career… you know just for fun #gay
- He owns a Ke$ha cd and insists he too is “hot and dangerous”.
- He fucks guys.
It’s not that weird to be a guy’s beard, but you should know when you’re romantic with a homo.