Prude & Prejudice

A lady never forgets her first crush and definitely never forgets her first biracial union. This little bitch was down for the swirl in a big way. I am sure many of you are privy to my early case of jungle fever (reference here). For me, it wasn’t as much a sexual preference as a commitment to civil rights… It’s hard being a humanitarian at such a young age. His name was *Denzel (I will be protecting his real identity like a class act) and we met at summer camp. He had seductively spikey hair, a solo diamond earring and was the best basketball player in the whole camp. That’s not racist, it was the fucking truth. My Hershey heartthrob could ball so hard motha-fuckas wanna fine him #thatshitcray. In hindsight, I should have considered it a red flag to date a guy who was allowed to have his ears pierced before me. Who the fuck has that kind of accessory confidence before your balls even drop?

I was 7 years old and it was my first year at an all day summer camp. My mother packed me my store bought California roll and organic soda, I grabbed my roll-on lip gloss, strapped on my jelly sandals and was ready to tear shit up. I remember feeling that this summer was going to be my foray into adulthood. I stepped into that camp convinced I was going to immediately grow boobs and know how to do long division through osmosis. I was directed towards my counselor and what looked like a seriously disappointing group of camp mates… That’s when I spotted Denzel in all of his hazelnut frappucino glory. He had like 8 Tamagotchi’s on his back pack #pantydropper and was clad in USC gear. I was praying for a trustfund but would settle with a basketball scholarship. Our counselor led a few ice breaker games and then insisted we utilize the buddy system. I was on that shit like white on brown rice “Wanna be buddies?” Cool, calm, collected AND Caucasian. It was so meant to be! He immediately agreed and we spent the day glued at the hip. I swapped a California roll for his Doritos, we EROTICALLY shared a Capri Sun and frolicked down the waterslide drunk in love. 

nick-mariah-wedding

Only 4 days at summer camp and I was in my first committed relationship. By Friday, Denzel was ready to take things to the next level. Anal. (IM FUCKING JOKING) As we parted ways for our gender segregated bathroom break, Denzel grabbed my arm and aggressively pecked me on the cheek. As soon as his lips left my face he sprinted to the bathroom leaving me alone cloaked in shame. I couldn’t believe how forward he was. What kind of prepubescent did he think I was? Should I have traded out my triangle top bikini for a more modest tankini like some of the inland empire campers? What kind of whore did he take me for? Should I start wearing bermuda shorts to leave a bit of mystery? Who knew I was omitting such an intense sexual energy before I was even allowed to shower unsupervised. I felt the tears start to well up and all the color drain from my face. I really couldn’t afford to lose any more melatonin, I was in a biracial union for fuck’s sake. Paralyzed with promiscuity I ran to the main office and demanded I call my mother to take me home. “Mom something really bad happened with a boy in my group, I need to come home.” My yenta mother called up the family attorney and was there within 4 minutes ready to cut a bitch.

She pulled me out of there and took me out to the parking lot so I could explain what had happened. My poor mothers mind was already planning a Megan’s Law protest outside the camp building when I finally confided in her that Denzel had kissed me. “Like a movie star kiss?” “No.” “Like on the lips?” “No.” “Like on the cheek?” “YES!” Tears of shame ran down my face, I couldn’t even look at myself. 7 years old and already a total slut. “HONEY… you are this upset over a boy kissing you on the cheek? You are such a prude!” Having my mother call me prude at 7 years old will continue to be the low point of my life. She dragged me back into camp and insisted I stay. Unfortunately, camp administration had already gotten a hold of Denzel and ridiculed him for his inappropriate behavior. My mother profusely apologized and they all shared a good laugh at my expense. I was beyond embarrassed by my blatant inexperience and desperately needed to patch things up with my life partner. I ran to Denzel with the conviction of Rosa Parks and the love of my young heart ready to reconcile. I met him at the lunch tables, our “spot”, and expressed how sorry I was for telling on him. Things were just moving so fast and I got scared. He sipped on his Capri Sun and looked at me blankly and said “I don’t like white girls anymore.” Excuse me fuckhead? We didn’t speak the rest of the summer and he was dating a new Asian hooker by the end of the day. So cliché.

I was just an open minded girl who got seriously fucked by tasting the swirl. I don’t know what became of Denzel. Whether he ever made it to USC, dated another white Jewish girl with ethnic hair or had to pawn his Tamagotchi collection to afford a second earring. Love may see no color, but Denzel certainly did.

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4 thoughts on “Prude & Prejudice

  1. disconcerted72 says:

    I’m truly torn on a desire to empathize with you in your innocence or laugh at the self-mockery you made of yourself. Honestly, I love it when people are able to laugh at themselves…
    …wait…you ARE laughing about this situation now, right?

    On a side note, I had someone suggest to me this week that I try some swirl too….odd that you’re now writing about this very topic.

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