Conscious Uncoupling

Breaking up with a friend is signicantly more difficult then dumping some shmuck who is in his 6th year of community college, thinks Crossfit is a legitimate excuse for a real job and doesn’t know what fucking burrata cheese is. I have only dumped one friend (reference: here) and approached the situation like a drug addict slowly weening off crystal meth. I would love to say we just drifted apart and outgrew eachother but that was not the case… she just kind of sucked. I should mention I may not be a sensational human being, but I am an amazing friend. Said ex-friend used to be this wholesome and sweet Catholic girl who wore Ann Taylor sweater sets and watch Golden Girls with you on a lonely Friday night. As soon as that bitch hit month 2 of college she started penetrating anything with a scrotum and a pulse… she pounded Franzia out of the bag and spent hours at a fraternity telling people how she always gets mistaken for Keri Russell.

After porking her 147th guy of the semester she lovingly told me that I was the “ugly friend” and was lucky to be friends with her so I could meet guys. Delusion is a precious gift. In hindsight, I wish I had taken up a small drug addiction in lieu of our friendship… something chic like cocaine. It could give me such an edge, not to mention a protruding clavicle bone and maybe even a deviated septum so I could have an insurance paid rhinoplasty. Maybe in my next lifetime…Anyone who knows me knows confrontation gives me severe anxiety. I am a coward, I prefer hiding behind the security of my computer and passive aggressively blogging about my issues rather than meeting for drinks at The Brass Monkey and address them face to face a la Kelly Bensimon and Bethenny Frankel (does anybody get this reference?) So how do you know when you should break up with a pal? Well for one, if a name immediately popped into your head upon reading this post … that’s probably a clear indicator. I have people in my life I have simply grown apart from, feel are disingenuous or I simply can’t fucking stand. It’s like friendship Darwinism. I am not even entirely sure what Darwinism is but I am going with it and you should too. So you have found yourself in a platonic friendship that drives you to the pharmacist for a Xanax refill, what should you do?

  1. Determine their role in the motion picture of your life. Is this your quirky office friend? The fun girl you bring out to the bars? The bitch that makes you laugh and take your mind off things? Or the person you call when you get dumped to bring you raw cookie dough and vodka? There are a million types of friends ranging from convenient acquaintances to borderline lesbionic life partners and then everything in between. Ditching a bitch you get teppanyaki with once a year and ditching your childhood friend who spoke at your Bat Mitzvah is a totally different animal.
  2. Evaluate the situation. Have you been spending too much time together? Is this a temporary annoyance? What are they really bringing to the table? Do you have fun with this person? Do you feel supported and supportive of this person? Are you menstrual? Breaking up with a friend is a serious life move and should not be taken lightly. Like Lauren Conrad once icily stated to her ex-bff Heidi Montag “I want to forgive you and I want to forget you.” A bitch just can’t come back from that.
  3. Really think: is the split worth it? Unless you tried to kill my dog or have become a vegan, I probably wouldn’t find any other reason to end a friendship abruptly. I may screen your calls and casually unfollow you on Instagram but that would be the extent of my pursuits. I have always said it is easier to keep it kosher and get along with people then have to worry about going out and having “beef”.
  4. Consider it may not be them, it could be you. This is a harsh reality every bitch needs to deal with. I call this the Tamra Barney factor – if it’s “everybody else” it’s probably you. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results (or something like that #collegedropout). How many old friends are still in your life? If the answer is none, your probably an asshole and need to cling on to any chum you have in a 5 mile radius.

Girlfriends are like a bag of jelly belly’s… some are sweet, some are sour, some our your faves, some are there just to fill the bag and some just ain’t your flavor. But before you impulsively ditch a bitch because she bought you a pair of Sketcher Shape-Ups for your birthday, think about what you’re leaving behind and if your figure is prepared for yet another breakup.

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12 thoughts on “Conscious Uncoupling

  1. kahinabelmer says:

    I could relate to this so well, only this is what always happens to most my friendships. I’m a very sociable person but I like a wide radius of privacy and me-space. As a result I don’t have many very close friends who I can call when I’m truly in trouble. Also, the part about your friend thinking she was the pretty one and you were the lucky friend to be around her, totally sucks! (Also what is up with every friend thinking that?) I have a friend who said she was doing me a favor bringing me on YOLO trips because she could do them so much better on her own (I was more interested in sleeping, thank you very much). Great article and thanks for the rant opportunity!

  2. Beth says:

    First, LOVE me a bethenny/Kelly reference! #oldschoolRHONYC Secondly, and most importantly, I believe you should (covertly) test a bitch before investing too much time in the “friendship”! Pass/fail…you decide. Done & done. I am a strong believer in quality over quantity (except for shoes, duh), so I have no time for bullshit “filler” friends! So, love me or leave me (alone)!!
    Love you, DONT love Sketcher Shape ups!!??? Wth, hilarious!!

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