Well in case you have been living under a rock, a bunch of hott celebrities had nude photos leak this weekend. The timing of it all truly was impeccable because nothing shows labor unions our country’s gratitude better than Kate Upton’s midwest vagina. First of all I was incredibly unaware that taking nude photos was even a super common thing. I got my first dick pic a couple weeks ago and have had trouble looking at any phallic objects ever since. Going to my local Farmer’s Market has become a traumatic experience… zuchinis, carrots, cucumbers, bananas, you name it and I go into an immediate flashback of the Armenian shlong corrupting my inbox. OY VEY. Needless to say, I am always intrigued and perplexed when a celebrity nude photo scandal rears it’s ugly tits. I have and never will take a nude photo – unless I am getting paid and photoshopped. What fucking genius has the ability to hack into all these bitches iClouds? Somebody get that bastard in NASA – clearly he is wasting his talents.
It’s just so strange that this day and age sending explicit photos is considered so normal. Call me crazy but a stiff martini and a good charcuterie plate is more up my alley as far as foreplay goes. If you take a gal to El Pollo Loco you’ll get an elbow snap but take a bitch for lobster and you can get a labia shot. I have major respect for J Laws recruitment of a third party photographer in lieu of the standard mirror selfie (although she has a few of those as well). My boyfriend found me in bed trolling her nude photo’s with the precision of a rapist and was shocked that I would even want to see. HAS HE MET ME? OF COURSE I’M GOING TO LOOK #thinspiration. Although I will agree it is a HUGE violation of personal privacy and my heart goes out to Jenny – when you have an Oscar you shouldn’t be photographing your urethra… at least not for free. Calm down, I am not being an anti feminist. These bitches make millions of dollars a year to live out their dreams we can poke fun at their nude photo’s. If my pictures got leaked all I would have is a voicemail from a distant creepy uncle and a civil suit, Jennifer will probably get that fucker thrown in jail along with a nice settlement so relax. Let’s retreat to a blast from the past: Vanessa Hudgens (yes, I realize she doesn’t have an Oscar) aka #bushbaby… her nude photos put the kibosh on a High School Musical 3 and for THAT I will be forever grateful. Zac Efron gives me anxiety, he is so womanly and sober. I kinda hate him. Obviously blaming my boo Miss Lawrence for this sex crime would be ludicrous. Jennifer, although I could have done without the vag shot – you look hott, you have an Oscar and the means to hire a fantastic lawyer. Bitches grab your burkas and never trust your iCloud. Jennifer, we love you girl.