Assisted Living

Climbing the corporate step ladder in 6 inch Louboutins is fucking hard, doing it alone is even harder. I have always dreamed of having a corner office with lucite furniture, a Missoni throw and a crystal chandelier with a killer view and 3 assistants feeding me glazed doughnuts while simultaneously cool sculpting my love handles (one of my assistants would be pre-med and authorized to perform procedure). Currently, the closest thing I have to an assistant is my boyfriend and my office view is a plaster wall. I have always crumbled under negative confrontation, have an unorthodox approach to professional emailing and make Holocaust and Hellen Keller jokes under pressure. These are not great attributes when building your business. This is why I created my sassy, pro-active and sometimes British fake assistant…Aubrey Winningham (emphasis on the #winning). Aubrey insists on ocean view tables, hotel upgrades and lives for a follow-up email honey. Aubrey manages “Miss Schimmel’s” schedule with the finesse of a true professional. The birth of Aubrey was super organic… She is the perfect buffer for declined plans, aggressive business emails and turning down endorsements from a company that makes fucking electrolyte water. Do I look like someone who looks like they give a flying fuck about enhanced water, let alone PROMOTE it for a free supply? I already have a free supply of water…it’s called the sink. It’s situations like this when Aubrey can work her magic.

Hello,

Thank you for your generous offer but Miss Schimmel will be unable to advertise for your company. Although we are sure your product is excellent, it does not hold any resonance to the rest of her content and has the potential to seem like an inorganic endorsement. To keep the esteem and authenticity of our site we must be incredibly selective and hope you understand.

Best of luck,

Aubrey Winningham

Assistant to Miss Schimmel

She may not be real but she is efficient as fuck. Aubrey has taken my life from sub par to superior. Last night I found myself creating her Google Account. I decided she is definitely a Garamond font kinda gal and signs off her second email with a simple “A” in lieu of Aubrey. It’s just how she non verbally establishes a bond with people… like look we are already on nickname status make sure you upgrade Miss Schimmel to a city view room with a free fruit basket. Right? RIGHT. I can’t believe it took me this long to manifest my spunky Oxford grad assistant who majored in Business with a minor focus in Journalism.

Assistants are like assholes… wait no that metaphor doesn’t work. Let’s try that again.There is no “i” in team but there IS an “i” in assistant. For comments, concerns or inquiries please get in touch with Aubrey at aubrey@thebitchbible.com, but please be mindful as she does SoulCycle 4 times a week and is learning Mandarin to further assist with any potential international relations. Please limit contact to business hours.

Best of luck,

A

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8 thoughts on “Assisted Living

  1. KyyLewis says:

    I really need to get on board with this SoulCycle business. Not that I really care about cycling – but – the guys that use SoulCycle are the type you want to meet yah know 😉

  2. bensbitterblog says:

    Aubrey sounds like a true professional. Does she follow you around while you walk around the house barking instructions at her? And just take it because she knows she will move in the company someday?

  3. Caroline says:

    I’ve named my assistant Monica. She is a combo of Monica Geller and Monica Lewinsky. She is Monica Geller obsessive and Monica Lewinsky willing. Not that I need oral from my assistant BUT she does need to be willing to do whatever I fucking say.

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