The Almost Boyfriend

Apparently, the “almost boyfriend” is now a thing. Being that I am a bit anti-social and chronically 6 steps behind anything trendy or on pulse this is the first I have heard of this new brand of settling. As a lady who lives with a label maker on my bedside table it is hard for me to imagine an almost anything. Having an almost boyfriend is like being an almost virgin – its bullshit (or a convenient excuse for slutty Mormons) or having an almost third nipple.

“Friends with benefits” are so 2006, this label was only applicable for a hot second because at the end of the day friends don’t fornicate. Would a friend ever make you question your relationship status? Negative. So in reality you are just sexually active acquaintances.

When did “relationship statuses” become so fucking scary? Instead of cornering that fucker and directly asking what your situation is, we sit back at brunch with our girlfriends and assure them (and yourself) that there is assumed exclusivity and labels are for those who are “insecure in their relationships“. Okay Taylor Swift. Why are we so scared to ask these types of questions? It shouldn’t be an imposition to know where you stand, whether it be together or alone.

I had an almost boyfriend for 6 months and it was the most exhausting time of my life. My seratonin levels had more peaks and pits then Goliath and I was about one non-replied text away from a Lexapro prescription. I was too afraid to address the non committal elephant in the room in fear of pushing him away. That was until I ran into him at a bar with some box bleached blonde in a polyester dress from fucking Bebe, I bet she had a ringback tone (the worst) and a blockbuster rewards card. How tacky. I wanted to punch myself in the throat for stifling my concerns and finding myself in this less then ideal run in.

Are we or aren’t we? Single or taken? Shit or get off the pot. It doesn’t make you crazy, it doesn’t make you needy, it doesn’t make you clingy.  Labels make the world go round kittens… “It’s just a factor of dating in the hook up culture” you say? Let’s blame our generation for not taking control of our romantic lives? GENIUS. Living with an “almost” is like living in an airport terminal – you have passed TSA but haven’t boarded the plane yet and are going fucking nowhere. Because almost really means nothing, and nothing just don’t work for a bitch.


7 thoughts on “The Almost Boyfriend

  1. Kelsey Cowie says:

    Lots of truth to what you are saying… This whole hookup culture is frankly confusing. People get open relationships mixed up with casual sex, mixed up with dating, mixed up with God knows what. I find a lot of people are confused they don’t know the difference anymore, the only common denominator is the sex but somehow defining the relationship gets lost in translation. Ignorance is bliss I guess. Very well written :).

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