I have always been super into discreet plagiarism, so I get really excited when I find an article online I can not only rip off but also write way more accurately. You can imagine my delight when I found a splendid article titled “5 Things Basic Bitches Can’t Get Enough Of” I am still colossally unsure the definition of a basic bitch but have gathered it is not complimentary. From my analysis a basic bitch is someone who loves Lauren Conrad unconditionally, has tried bringing her Juicy Couture sweat-suits to a consignment store (she thinks they still hold value), boasts an inspirational quote in her email signature and gets really excited about a fucking pumpkin spice latte. That shit has 21 GRAMS OF FAT. I live for liquid calories but unless that latte comes with a buzz, blue cheese stuffed olives and/or a tapeworm, I am not down. I should clarify I am not overly enthused about this whole epidemic about categorizing bitches… it seems very anti-girl power and basic isn’t always a bad thing… unless you resonate with the list below.
- The Bandage Dress – Expect to see her in Vegas, with her hair curled in a middle part, drinking a yardstick margarita with acrylic nails, a fucked crossover bag, head tilted and a pursed lip. MAYFAIR FILTER! She will ALWAYS be in a bandage dress because it is the partying uniform of the basic bitch.
- The Eulogy Status – Her cat has a yeast infection, she CAN’T EVEN FUNCTION since Paul Walker died or her grandmother went into cardiac arrest – you have heard it all via social media. I preserve these media portals to track my weight fluctuation, cyber stalk ex boyfriends and self promote. Nothing screams BASIC BUZZKILL then announcing your neighbor is suffering from Cerebral Palsy on Instagram. Get a journal, join a volunteer group and keep the pity party in your private dining room. And cut it out with the dancing baby videos also.
- The Frozen Yogurt Affliction – Besides quinoa, pressed juices, vodka sodas, orbit gum and salmon… basic bitches let their gluttonous desires run rampant for fucking FROZEN YOGURT. It is fat free, low-cal and a sad excuse for ice cream but she goes wild and sometimes even splurges for non-fruit toppings. OMG – #fatgirlprobz. I can go balls deep on a Pinkberry yogurt on a hot summer day but it doesn’t define me.
- The DIY Craft Obsession – If you ever want to see me enter a full throttle panic attack subscribe me to your arts and crafts Pinterest board. As much as do it yourself wall decals, recipes for homemade laundry detergent and tricks of turning old t-shirts into kitschy throw pillows BLOWS MY MIND the only use I will ever have for a glue gun would be to seal my eyes shut to avoid watching a basic bitch glitter mason jars or apply felt hearts to a busted pillow.
- Abbrevs – Like the Israelites spoke Hebrew, every Beverly Hills High graduate spoke Farsi and Helen Keller “spoke” Braille – the language of the basic bitch is as timeless as it is obvious: Abbrevs. “LITERALLY – he is so gorg.” “Let’s def do din!” “Totes perf!” “Sush and champs?” all with the finishing touch of an emoji. Let’s be practical here. Why would anyone type out amazing when you cut a whole 2 characters out by just typing amaze?
I personally don’t find the basic bitch a true threat to society. Sure, they Instagram pictures of their side braid, think Victoria’s Secret PINK makes the best yoga pants and probably think mixing metals is a fashion death wish but being basic isn’t the worst thing in the world. So drink your iced coffee, start preparing for your #TBT post and remember you can be basic and still be one fierce bitch.