#RHONJ RECAP

These past couple episodes have been such a cock tease. I have lost at least 3 pounds anticipating Jacqueline’s return and waiting for this Santa ménage à trois shit to hit the fan. The twins, Dina and Melissa head to Boca Raton to hang out with Jewish geriatrics, cook for themselves and drink in excess. They call that a vacation? I call that Rosh Hashanah.

Back in the swampland, Tre and Gia go house hunting in the hopes of downsizing. I personally live for Teresa Giudice, circa 2008: table flipping, pre-owned house shkeeving, and all “onyx, marble and granite”.

Oh yay… Amber and Jim. I have been trying to mentally block them out for the past month and a half and I nearly spiral into a panic attack every time Amber comes onto my television screen with her vakakta contour and silver eyeliner. I realize that is probably in poor taste to say, given that she is going to get tested for cancer but…

Next we see Kathy and Jacqueline yet ALL I can think about is Ashlee Holmes. I have trouble sleeping every night knowing that she has more twitter followers then yours truly. I wonder what color her hair is, or whether she has gotten any new tattoos. Does she still wear her slumpy knit beanie and legging combo? Love and light bitch. But much to my dismay – no Ashlee cameos.

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In Boca, the bitches lay poolside while Melissa does her best white swan leaping around the pool and putting her bod #OnDisplay.

Back at the Lauritas, Jacqueline has only been back for 4 minutes and is already reading texts and crying per usual. Honey, I love you like a distant reality star, but why must you interject yourself in her situation? Ladies, don’t you think Tre has bigger fish to fry than to console YOU during HER time of chaos? Get it together and cry on the inside like a winner.

Back in Boca, Dina gives a Meryl Streep worthy performance faking excitement for Amber and Jim the troll’s arrival. I give the same performance every time someone asks me if I like their new Coach bag… “Yaaaah. That is great!”

I want Melissa to be drunk all the time.

Dina Manzo states that she watches porn for the décor… come again? Pun unintended. Does Dina have a liking for busted sofas, shit drywall and un-chic Lucite? Now I am sweating balls waiting for Dina to drop the Reno-Santa lovers tryst rumor.

And I am blue balled AGAIN… until next week bitches. Bye! Is bye a threat?

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