I don’t embarrass easily. In fact, I can only remember three instances of being legitimately embarrassed. The first time was when I blacked out in college and did an interpretive dance at a fraternity formal. The gentlemen were intrigued by my white girl rhythm. The second time was when I did an encore performance of the same interpretive dance at my little cousin’s Bat Mitzvah except that time I had brought props (a ribbon wand #duh). They were similarly impressed. And thirdly, there was the time I FaceTimed a coworker in the loo. I have said this once and I will say it again… Siri is a fucking bitch. I am not sure if this is her fault or not, but for the sake of maintaining mental stability I need someone to blame and it sure as fuck isn’t me.
Three weeks ago, I was enjoying the anonymity of a very clean public restroom. I always take the handicapped stall – I rationalize that I am digestively handicapped and can’t perform in cramped spaces. I laid down my four toilet seat covers and took a look at my new digs for the next 25 minutes As I sat down, mentally preparing myself, I began casually scanning various social media profiles on my faulty iPhone. Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Grindr – the usual.
Deciding I needed to focus and practice Ujjayi breathing to help activate things down under, I put said phone into my tote bag and sat praying for God to relieve me of my four day food baby, just in time for a poolside weekend. Ten minutes later without any success and four irritated knocks on the stall door, “Are you even going to the bathroom?”, my phone began making an unfamiliar tone.
Did Jonah Hill retweet our photo-shopped wedding photo I sent him? Is it my mother calling me to schedule my delayed rhinoplasty? Everyone knows 11am – 11:30am is my “private time.” Who would disrupt me? I began to frantically scramble through my bag when I heard an unfamiliar voice calling out to me. “Hello? Jackie?”
What the fuck?
I finally found my phone swimming in a pool of ranch sunflower seeds when I picked up my phone and saw a former coworker staring back at me. HOLY SHIT BALLS. My phone had somehow fucking FaceTimed him while I was ON THE TOILET. What does one do in a situation like that? Can you make that not awkward? The second I saw him staring back at me in my shameful stall of defeat, I immediately screamed and threw my phone against the wall. Unfortunately the impact of the throw did not hang up the call and Kevin was left looking sideways and trying to figure out what he was seeing.
“Jackie is this a joke?”
I can only assume he was now squinting at the base of the toilet with my coated jeans down and sequined Converse at a 90 degree angle. I tried throwing my bag to cover the camera lens and due to my shitty hand-eye coordination, I fucked that up as well. All the while, Kevin is trying to figure out if this is a joke or not, and HASN’T HUNG UP THE CALL.
To be clear, I worked on a television pilot with him for three weeks. We were situationally close but hadn’t actually seen each other in over four years. We have kept up on social media and an inside joke text here and there, but no actual relationship exists which makes this situation even more difficult. I began to hysterically laugh and then hysterically cry. Kevin had to think I was re-enacting a scene from Girl Interrupted or was in an actual psych ward.
Ultimately I had to swiftly pull up my pants, lunged to my phone and hang up without making eye contact or giving him any more aerial shots of the public restroom. I said nothing, covered the camera with my finger and ended the call, the relationship and the food baby expulsion. I gave no follow up information, “Hey sorry, I accidentally FaceTimed you while I was on the toilet…LAWLZ!” and will never speak to Kevin again on principle.
I left my stall with a cracked screen, a deteriorated friendship, and a serious food baby, still in place. I have not taken the handicapped stall since and have deleted Facetime as it has proven to be detrimental both emotionally and digestively.