I need to get something off my chest…up until last night I thought Ebola was a type of yoga or an alternate name for a fetus. This is why I don’t watch the fucking news – can you imagine my Google search letdown? I am too neurotic to keep up with current events and diseases. Also – still a bit unsure about what ISIS is – I get the gist but my serotonin levels really can’t handle another punch.
The beauty of my naiveté is that I am 100% able to keep up in conversations concerning all of the above. Sure, for the first 24 seconds I was pretty sure ISIS was a new Apple gadget or specialty snow cone store, but I have a special gift that I am here to share with you. This, ladies and gentleman, is the precious art of faking it.
The Cold War, sexual harassment policies, Obamacare, Burning Man, Child Labor Laws – all are things I could discuss for hours despite having no clue what they are. I’m assuming the Cold War was over a heating unit? I can go from Elle Woods to Rachel Maddow in a jiffy.
These past few weeks have been crazy. I’ve been lucky enough to be in some seriously undeserving meetings with important people I have no business working with. Honestly, I am still shocked I get more then 4 readers a day (1. Mom 2. Best friend 3. Myself 4. Myself again).
The whole experience has been humbling… Well, it’s actually been the opposite of humbling but I am trying to seem likeable. Why do people even use that expression in extremely complimentary situations? Have you noticed every time someone wins an Oscar they say how humbled they are? Awky.
These situations plus irrelevant faux friends I went to school with who are coming out of the woodworks thinking I have something to offer them (I don’t) and trying to mend our relationship has been fucking fantastic. I still remember you said I was ugly in 7th grade so no, I do not need a Social Media Assistant. #byefelicia
I’ve been feeling so high (naturally – pot gives me anxiety #shocker) I even deleted my Instafollow app which tracks who unfollows me on my social media outlets. If that isn’t growth I don’t know what is. I figure fuck it, if you don’t like my shit at least I have a lot of strangers that do and isn’t that what life’s really all about?
As far as all these new life changes go, I have had to rely on faking it more then ever. Without any desire to really learn new traits, what is a bitch SUPPOSED to do? Learn? Grow? Evolve? Uh… no thank you. As much as I’m DYING to add “Proficient in Excel” to my LinkedIn skills I’ve never wanted to come off too administratively strong. I have often said I’m the most driven and hardworking underachiever in the game and I mean that whole-heartedly.
In my head, I am always one search bar away from knowing just as much as the Yale grad with an Emmy to my left so there is nothing to be trepidatious about. In fact, I don’t even know what the word trepidatious means and does it really matter?
Nod your head, make an offbeat joke, agree with whatever the majority is saying and go home and Google your little heart out. Sometimes it’s not about what you know – it’s about how well you can conceal what you don’t know.