Laws of Distraction

This is my best childhood friend Dan… he actually had the audacity to post this on the internet. He has since deleted the photo after much backlash but luckily I have it saved on my hardrive and look at it whenever I feel down and out. Dan is a good guy and has a hott girlfriend despite thinking publishing this pic on the internet was socially acceptable. Let’s examine this shall we? A) The sunset picture in the backround SCREAMS homosexual. Seriously? B) He is wearing fucking sunglasses indoors and a hemp bracelet he probably bought at Whole Foods while he was picking up an Acai bowl. C) Clearly he has chosen the beautiful atmosphere of the lavatory for this glamour shot which means he either just went to the bathroom and recognized the good lighting OR he relocated to the bathroom solely for a photo op … I am not sure which is worse. D) He has skillfully unbuttoned his shirt which catapults this pic to a level of nausea that makes me want to become a lesbian AND put myself down. There are a myriad (big word) of simple mistakes men can make on a daily basis that need to be addressed and discontinued. Here are some fail proof parcels of wisdom to serve as a guiding light for all males, whether it be the douchiest of douches or the catchiest of catches.

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  • Don’t fucking poke a bitch on Facebook. Poking is like virtual rape. 2007 called and wants it’s fun new feature back.
  • Don’t share results to the Buzzfeed quiz you took on what Saved By The Bell character you are. No one gives a shit that you got AC Slater.
  • Cool it with the emojis. This goes hand and hand with the poking… It all screams Megan’s Law.
  • Humble bragging is for guys who don’t get laid. Any guy that has ever said “Work hard, play hard” or “Rise and grind” might as well just give up now and apply as a Manager at Taco Bell cause that is as good as it is going to get.
  • Don’ take a selfie EVER but most definitely NOT at the gym. If you wan’t to really impress a bitch snap a picture of your real estate portfolio. Being at the gym on a weekday at 2pm is not admirable #parttime.
  • If you are asking a bitch to dinner, call her don’t invite via text. Granted she will probably not pick up but it is the thought that counts. Also, make a reservation.
  • BUTTON UP YOUR FUCKING SHIRT. Listen Fabio, no one wants to get a chest hair in their martini so close up shop guido.
  • If you drive a fucking Mitsubushi don’t take the emblem off and put a spoiler on it in the lucky case you pick up a bitch with a stigmatism who thinks it’s a Lambo.
  • Topics of conversations to avoid: student loans, dead relatives, your fraternity, music festivals, the time you went Vegan, the weather, calories, crossfit, your mother.
  • Don’t serve a bitch a drink in a plastic cup. Also bonus points if you have snacks (I suggest a triple crème brie and proscuitto… or bagel bites)
  • Loving your mom is great. Still being breast fed at age 27 and needing her input on which tie he should wear to a work function is fucking weird.
  • If you have red sheets you need to re-evaluate your life choices.
  • Tell a girl she looks pretty, memorize her drink order and never buy carnations #fillerflowers.

You’re welcome.

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One thought on “Laws of Distraction

  1. disconcerted72 says:

    I’ve noticed your red show comment shows up A LOT. As “man” with questionable sexuality, I don’t even have red shoes (As a side note, the guy who played Ted in HIMYM had red boots…coincidence?).

    But then again, I’m assured I’m not even allowed to date anymore…so, I’ll simply pass your helpful advice on those still engaged in the battle of love (It is a battle, isn’t it?)

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