Surprisingly I initially like most people. Especially if they really like me. If Vladimir Putin told me I had high cheekbones and a protruding clavicle I would probably invite him over for Shabbat dinner and set him up with one of my slutty girlfriends to tickle his Russian pickle. As a Leo, I am incredibly protective over the people I love and have unfortunately run into the situation of hating a few of my friends significant others. My cousin (who is more like a sister) was dating this guy who I lovingly referred to as Fuckface for a couple years. The first time I met him in his college apartment I knew I wanted to bury him alive and dance to Daft Punk on his grave with a bottle of Vueve Cliquot and a bendy straw. He was arrogant, condescending and spoke like a closeted homosexual Subway Sandwich artist supporting his way through school to become a Planetary Scientist. Fucking asshole. Naturally upon my first impression he was wearing a gold chain (red flag #1) and made me split a Gatorade when I asked for something to drink cause he “only had a few left”. I tried my hardest to swallow my pride and pretend to like him. Three hours in I had hit my limit.
He insisted we go to a local Teppanyaki restaurant for their “super dank half off lunch specials” (red flag #2). He started verbally harassing my cousin when she insisted on ordering from the full price menu (red flag #3). It wasn’t just one comment… the fucker went on and on, he was relentlessly rude. She brushed this off and excused herself to the bathroom. As soon as she was out of sight I leaned over the cook top table, grabbed Fuckface’s wrist and looked him dead in the eye and said, “If you ever speak to her like that again I will get all of my goliath family members and the sketchy Cholo custodian at my office to drive down here and beat the shit out of you… Also are you done with your fried rice?” I was dead serious and I am almost positive he shit his pants.
My smidge of a death threat was a huge wake up call. My cousin finally saw what a total dick the guy was and they split shortly after. Unfortunately, these confrontations usually don’t turn out as ideally. So what is a bitch to do? The upside of sharing your reservations about said asshole is honest communication and you may be saving your friend from a crazy breakup and possible restraining order. The downside is that your friend will most likely not listen and it will cause a strain in your friendship. The first step in dealing with a situation like this is addressing WHY he is an asshole and the LEVEL of harm he may be causing your friend. Is this a Justin Bobby short-term tryst or a Spencer Pratt long-term holy matrimony… it makes a huge difference.
The rule to interjecting in a friend’s relationship is that you can never take it back and you have to expect that your girl will side with the shmuck. Also know the guy WILL be told you dislike him and then it’s game on. Ultimatums are dramatic and prompt early menstrual cycles. Calm your ovaries and think like a rational bitch. Is it worth the drama? Side note: Jealousy is transparent. If you are a needy Nancy and only dislike your friends new love interest because it conflicts with your Bachelor and wine nights – you are the asshole. The truth is if you are in a serious and happy relationship, your partner usually becomes your best friend and that is totally fine.
So you have assessed the damage and you are positive the asshole has surpassed Spencer Pratt and is verging on Tiger Woods. You know he is penetrating her sister, embezzling money from her checking account and may have dabbled in drug dealing. How do you tell her? “Hey love can I come by and borrow that sequined sweater of yours? We still down for Soul Cycle tonight? Oh and one last thing, your boyfriend is an asshole, everyone hates him and yesterday I threw a penny in a fountain and wished he would contract a immune system crushing disease. Love ya!”
Honestly, that’s probably how I would do it. As easy as that seems it is not the best way to go unless you’re prepared to move forward without a sequin sweater to borrow, an unfollow on Instagram (the harshest of all) and a fractured friendship. Last side note: I have said this a million times, I track everyone who unfollows me. Once you make that decision you are dead to me. Don’t conveniently pretend we are cool. To put it in song: “We are never ever ever going for drinks together. You go talk to your friends take your selfies and unfollow me (bitch) but weeee will never ever ever ever have martinis together.” That’s my Taylor Swift bad bitch remix. Sorry for the passive aggressive tangent.
Meddling in your friend’s relationship is a very slippery slope. A good friend always wants to protect their bitches from the pitfalls of dating an asshole but unless they are headed for a seriously life and heart threatening future it is always best to let a bitch come to these conclusions by herself. Unless the fucker is in a gold chain, makes you go halfsies on an orange flavored Gatorade AND thinks daytime Teppanyaki is socially acceptable.