They say you are the company you keep. This is a precedent I always hold dear on the brink of a New Year. I like to reflect on the past 12 months, the peaks and the pits and the people I have surrounded myself by. In these tender moments I realize that it is time to clean up shop just in time to glide gracefully into 2015
The Frenemy – They love you, they hate you. They insist on Instagraming a collage of you on your birthday with only photos from your fat phase. They profess to be one of your closest friends yet secretly are hoping you contract an STD and may want to bang your boyfriend. Waste of space, time and energy. Bye Felicia!
The Mooch – This is the first point in my life where people have started to unauthentically pursue friendships with ulterior motives. Why the sudden out reach? These are people I call parasites or as my grandmother would say “schnoras” (Google it). You haven’t spent more then 4 minutes with the person and they instantly “love” you and are insisting they send you their new Vitamin D infused bikini line. It’s not a crime to try and surround yourself with people who can excel you. The hustle is real. But if you feel like someone’s only incentive in your relationship is to take advantage of you, send their business elsewhere.
The Yenta – Despite my insatiable need for all things Real Housewives and Vanderpump Rules, I am surprisingly not attracted to drama in my real life. I know 99% of people who profess to “hate drama” are usually the nucleus of it, but I can promise and provide references that in my case it’s just not true. I’m shallow and depthless; I like small talk and outsider approval. So sue me. Gossip is boring, I’d rather talk about myself. If they are talking shit TO YOU, they are undoubtedly talking shit ABOUT YOU. People who find satisfaction in others demise and private details need to get a life and/or a Lexapro prescription.
The Ex – We are never, ever, ever spending 2015 together. Staying friends was cute in 2014, but it’s a new year. It’s really idealistic to pull a Ross and Rachel and expect it all to be smooth sailing. When someone has broke your heart, staying friends warrants an un-platonic agenda. You can’t set sail with an anchor planted so cut that bitch off and tread forward Admiral. ( <– The worst metaphor of my barely professional life)
The Downer – Maybe it’s a coworker, a childhood friend or just a bitter cousin with self diagnosed Celiac disease. The food is never good, the temperature never comfortable or the conversation never stimulating enough. For the record, the only downers I have around me are prescribed by a shady doctor. Surround yourself with happy people who sparely complain about overhead lighting and weight fluctuation #wetblanket.