Break-up Season

You may have noticed something different in the air lately. The New Year’s confetti has settled, holiday gifts have been returned for half their purchased value, and the passive-aggressive transition of couple profile pictures to solo selfies have been raping our newsfeeds.

Welcome to Break-up Season bitches. Many believe this relationship dissolving movement starts BEFORE Christmas but after extensive research I have found this to be untrue. I haven’t determined what exactly causes this urge to purge significant others, but can definitely attribute it to the New Year’s “fresh start” mentality, the stress of the holidays, and disappointing gift exchanges.

According to my findings, the Break-Up Season begins just after Christmas and lingers till mid-February. You usually spend Xmas together with slight strain, ring in the New Year by declaring you need to “focus on yourself,” which prompts the break up. Then you cap it off with an awky forced reconciliation Valentine’s dinner that ends in tears and a waste of an outfit.

I am a particular (yet totally endearing) breed of pain in the ass so I always get nervous around this time of year. My boyf booked a trip to Paris for my Hanukkah gift so I figured that’s anti-split insurance, but a bitch really never knows. Getting dumped under the Eiffel Tower would be super epic… and an amazing video blog. I’m kidding…

I often wonder why the supposedly “most wonderful time of the year” showcases so many break-ups? Here’s what I’ve found: The main factor is stress. Stress from family, gift-exchanging and the pressure to be “jolly” while you are gaining weight and losing money. I mean, any season that has to overcompensate that much can’t be great. My ex-boyfriend got me a Tiffany’s kidney bean necklace for Christmas… if those aren’t means for a breakup I don’t know what is. A FUCKING STERLING SILVER KIDNEY BEAN? What’s next, corn kernel drop earrings? Fucking disgusting. I hate Tiffany’s. It feels good to get that out.

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So, how do you know if you are in danger during Break-up Season? A bitch must be cautious and inquire with trepidation. I have always found it pretty easy to figure out if my significant other wants to give me the boot. Like a lady, I usually sink my talons in deeper, and try and beat them to the punch. This method has had a 50/50 success rate.

Here are some tips to make it through the Break-up Season unscathed…

  1. Lay low. It’s hard to get dumped if you aren’t around. Visit some distant relatives in Poland, make superfluous dinner plans, and just be busy. A bit of mystery is necessary in any relationship. Maybe change up your behavior. By creating a fog of confusion, you are staying a few steps ahead of your partner and throwing them off any trail to a break up.
  2. Prey on their insecurities. If you know your man has an undescended testicle he is wildly embarrassed about, make sure to reference it constantly. Remind him how it still catches you off guard after all this time. Passive aggressive digs should always finish with an insincere compliment like, “I think your uni-ball makes you unique and I love you in all your penile deformity babe.” This makes them unconsciously feel like you are making sacrifices for them, which makes them feel guilty, ultimately delaying a break up.
  3. Pre-emptively dump them first. A PD (pre-emptive dump) is as tried and true as anything in this big bad world. When this works, you’ve hit the jackpot— the person doesn’t want to end things, you take them back, they’re grateful, and they are most certainly too scared to dump you now. If it doesn’t work – then you are fucked.

Obviously these are all terrible ideas. This is about damage control, not practicality. If you have been victim to this Break-up Season, just remember it is a new year and you’re probably better off without the shmuck. Delete those couple photos, post a fabulous default looking happier than ever, and be thankful you can now openly return your fucking Tiffany’s kidney bean necklace for 60% of its value.

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