In honor of tomorrow’s podcast episode (which you can listen to HERE: http://tinyurl.com/thebitchbiblepod ) where I introduce and lend you the wisdom of my Gusband, I thought I would emphasize the many perks of having a gay life partner. You may think your morals, lifestyle and personal triumphs define you as a bitch… perhaps… but nothing I repeat NOTHING defines your true self like the selection of your Gubby.
1. To be your faux boyfriend in a pinch. Who cares if he is drinking a daiquiri and wearing a mesh tank top? No one has to know he likes it in the schvincter. Accidental run-ins with an ex become a breeze when you have a gay best friend handy to pose as your new loving and fashion forward lover.
2. A faithful gubby offers unfiltered truth. They tell you when you are dressed like a cheap hooker, when you may need a rhinoplasty consultation or when you may need to go on an ice chip/splenda diet. Yes, the truth hurts, but so does lap band surgery. In Gubs we trust.
3. Free image consulting. In sketchy female friendships and even in hetero relationships there are a myriad of motives when giving opinions on your aesthetics. A boyfriend may worry you will garner too much male attention and a female friend may have the same concern. It is in a gay man’s best interest to have the hottest “fag hag” on his arm.
4. BRUNCH. No explanation necessary.
5. Low drama. I tend to live by the guiding light of Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama.” I fucking love her and that gold tooth. Naturally this (and this whole list) is a huge generalization and I have met many a twink who sashays through life feeding on drama and vodka sodas. However, because of their direct nature, gay men tend to be less dramatic.
6. Male insight. In most situations, a heart to heart with a straight man is propelled by one thing: sex. Since this is off the table with your Gub, you have access to the inner workings of the male mind without having to make an emergency Planned Parenthood appointment.
7. Unless he is a bi-bi birdie and swings both ways, chances are you aren’t competing for the same man candy. Whether anyone wants to admit it, bitches are competitive. It’s called Darwinism. Having a life partner that can’t be emasculated by your successes is what makes a hoe & her mo’s union so stable.
NEW PODCAST TOMORROW xx