Side Bitch 101

We need to address an epidemic sweeping the nation and compromising our gender morale… the social outbreak of the SIDE BITCH. In life you either want to be the USDA prime filet mignon (a la cart) or the basic baked potato. It doesn’t matter HOW MANY BACON BITS AND CHIVES YOU DROWN YOURSELF IN, you aren’t the mother fucking entree. This reads harsh because it seems wildly obvious and baffles me how many side bitches live in denial.
“He works so much”, “His great aunt’s dog died”, “He has a yeast infection” the truth is, if he isn’t taking you to dinner, has never seen you in daylight and still has a parenthesis in your contact info… For example: Jackie Schimmel (neurotic bitch with blonde hair), you are the sidest bitch on the block.

I can speak informatively on this subject because I have been a side bitch. It was brief and it was brutal. He only offered me his roommates alcohol,  only saw me after 9pm on Wednesdays and I am almost positive thought my name was Jade. He would occasionally bring me to work events because I am sociable, can clean up well with a professional blowdry and know how to handle my alcohol. I was poor and would date about anyone I could steal fruit snacks from. I eventually pretended he was hit by a truck and ignored his late night calls. SIDENOTE: Anthony if you are reading this, you are short, rude and smell like latex and failed entrepreneurship. Phew, that felt good.

So let’s assume you are a few chromosomes short and are unsure if you too are the lukewarm creamed spinach in the meal of your romantic life. For your convenience here is an idiot proof list.

You only hang out on weekdays, specifically ones with none of his selected television programs. Plans are usually made an hour in advance and typically take place at his apartment or god willingly his condo, I love a man with real estate. Saturdays simply don’t exist in a side bitches world.

You’ve never met any of his friends, or if you have it was in a very large and very casual group setting. Very few details are shared regarding your relationship and sober affection is virtually non existent.

You don’t do dinner. This has a loophole for manorexics who simply are gearing up for their summer bod, but usually is because they don’t want to have the intimacy that comes with sharing a meal together. Dinner=dating=monogamy=girlfriend=death.

You aren’t friends on Facebook. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, nothing matters in life unless it’s FBO (Facebook Official) not your education, not your career, not your love life. You think you’re above Facebook proclamations? Or is that the side bitch universal code of conduct…. Think about it.

You can’t get him to accompany you to ANY event. Asking him to be your plus one at your friends wedding is basically like asking him if you can murder his whole family and then sell their organs on the black market. You find yourself bribing him to be with you. This is a low point.

You’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it 400 times… “he doesn’t do labels”. Let me be very clear, if a guy is into you he doesn’t want you to be with anyone else. It’s an animalistic testosterone thing. I am not a biologist but it’s the truth. Guys who “don’t want to rush things, don’t like labels and aren’t ready for a girlfriend” are fucking other people and probably on a Saturday.

You are reading this list and are having a mega epiphany that all of the above runs scarily parallel to your current situation. Mazel Tov, you are a side bitch. Although this is hard to accept and even harder to free up your Wednesday late night rendevous, remember it is always better to be the Filet Mignon (or Tofu Steak if you’re a sad vegan) than the fucking baked potato #ENTREELIFE


The only thing sadder then living as a side bitch is that I spent 15 minutes out of my day creating the visual above. For more tough love download, subscribe and share The Bitch Bible podcast series here:


5 thoughts on “Side Bitch 101

  1. acquiescent72 says:

    Honestly, there are a lot of “accidental” side-bitches. They sign up assuming they are going to be the main bitch and then a few weeks into it they begin finding out they are on the side of something. So, I can give those bitches some empathy…

    The ones that baffle me are the ones that willing sign up to be the side bitch and then assume they are some how going to end up as the main bitch. Seriously, there are some guys that will flat out say, “You’re not my highest priority” and then those bitches are shocked when they find out that he meant it. There are only three outcomes here: 1) He sticks to his guns leaving the side bitch as she is and then eventually finds a main bitch that makes him sink his teeth so far in that he forgets about the side bitch. 2) Being a side bitch, you crank up the bitch part of this and downgrade him to something akin to another side – i.e. rice fucking pilaf or 3) you get rid of your bacon bits, stand up for yourself and leave his but to become your own main dish to someone that will sink his teeth in.

    Just my thoughts, but WTF do I know?!?!??

    • Bobo says:

      Apparently your just another dumb side bitch. If your man was happy he wouldn’t even be thinking about side bitches. You’ve probably got kids and he’s stuck with your uppity ass. Cheaper to have a side bitch.

      • headbitch says:

        Actually Bobo, I have a huge diamond on my ring finger and my man never has had a side bitch. He is very enthralled with my uppity ass which is kid free and blissfully happy which I’m sure you couldn’t relate to. This is a blog in which we explore a myriad (google it) of topics.

      • acquiescent72 says:

        Bono, I don’t think you realize most of my diatribe was sarcasm. Also, I don’t have a man… But if I did, I am a pretty cheap birch.

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