Just when you thought I couldn’t get any shallower, The Bachelorette is back. I live for all things Bachelor Nation and I will admit I am particularly excited for this season with Kaitlyn because I think she is kinda slutty which I mean as a total compliment. Get it girl.
Last night, things kicked off with the first group date and a disssapointing in depth look at my favorite aspect of the show: the bogus job titles. I love how ABC thinks they are progressive by choosing a Bachelorette with a tattoo who occasionally says fuck. If that was a prerequisite, I could have been the Bachelorette in 4th grade… I was pretty promiscuous back then.
The guys seem super pumped about moving into the “mansion” as they call dibs on their fucking bunk beds. This is concerning because if you are that excited about sleeping in a room with 4 other assholes, you obviously still live with your parents OR are homeless (Hi JJ).
I love that they threw Britt a bone (literally) and let her cry on television for another 12 minutes before she goes back to her waitress job in North Hollywood. I actually like Britt but we need to go shopping and learn the importance of a nude lip. Call me.
So it’s the first group date and the guy’s head to a rapey warehouse to beat the shit out of each other. “Boxing is a lot like relationships” OKAY CHRIS BROWN! Last time I checked, love isn’t similar to dodging punches but whatever.
Ben Z is hunky, Justin has a kid named “AURELIUS” so he’s out, the other blonde looks like he’s on the front page of Megan’s Law, Daniel is a “fashion designer” so there’s that and legally Kupa has to stay around for another few weeks to fill the racial quota. Jared decides to crash the group date fresh from the hospital in bright yellow shorts which hopefully was a choice influenced by a concussion from boxing.
The first one on one date is with Clint, who I like because he has a real job. The beginning of their date is an underwater photo shoot, which freaks me out. Nothing says everlasting love like forced intimacy for a picture and simultaneously almost drowning. Cute!
Back at the house, Tony and his middle parted hair start preaching his idea of love and this bastard needs to go home and bang one of his bonsai plants. Where did they even find this guy? “Love is as perennial as the grass” SHUT THE FUCK UP TONY.
Amy Schumer joins Kaitlyn on the group date and tries to teach the guys how to have a sense of humor, which is a failed mission. JJ is a straight up, butt-chinned asshole. He is a “former investment banker” which is code for unemployed, I know I know I know you think I am a monster because he got teary eyed talking about his daughter. I don’t buy it, she’s three she is hardly a real human yet and I haven’t seen you facetime her once. JJ is the new Juan Pablo and ES NOT OKAY.
Kupa is basically interrogating Kaitlyn making sure he is not only there because he is black… then when he realizes she legitimately liked him he starts back pedaling and ends it with a fist bump. BYE FELICIA. Kupa and his soul patch need to pack up and get the fuck out.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Also new podcast up today with Heather McDonald where we further discuss The Bachelorette and much more here: tinyurl.com/thebitchbiblepod