My friend Heidi and I were discussing the benefits (branding wise) I could attain if I contracted or faked some small non-life threatening disease. We decided an STD would be too hard to pull off and probably a bad look long term. Although a Chlamydia endorsement could be super lucrative. Syphilis seems cute too. Maybe a new strain of hepatitis? Maybe not. We decided Fibromyalgia would be perfect for me and despite having no clue what it is, I’m pretty positive I have it. So you should all feel bad for me and subscribe to my podcast series to help me with my disease. Bless you.
I’ve been thinking a lot about assholes lately. Not the orifice but the notable group of people who are a constant life suck. I could probably find a better diagnosis with some psychoanalysis and then conclude what factors in their life MADE them such an asshole but that seems like a waste of my time and also totally impertinent #DEFLECTING.
Recently, an ex friend of mine reached out to grab drinks. While I pondered getting my hair professionally done and telling her how much better my life is without her trying to bang my boyfriends, I decided that she was and always will be an asshole and my barely dirty martini with blue cheese olives would have to be consumed at home. Assholes tend to blame their overall suck to various people, places or things. They didn’t get hugged as a child, they have no money, Selena’s death really ruined their faith in mankind, whatever, bidi bidi bom bom. The truth is, while many of these life factors are influential and upsetting, they are all irrelevant and invalidated as an excuse for being an asshole.
If you’ve had problems with almost every person in your life, you are an asshole. If you only had 3 people (minus Tom) on your Myspace Top 8, you are an asshole. If Jesus is the only person who is regularly forgiving you, you are an asshole. No offense to God but salvation and atonement should start in the home. Hiding behind something that is legitimately sacred and cherished by non-assholes shouldn’t be abused by people who can’t get their shit together. It’s like carrying a fake designer handbag, don’t ruin it for the rest of us please and thank you. My ex-friend would puke in your purse, bang your boyfriend and then go on a Church retreat and tell me she was forgiven. That’s chic but I still think you are an asshole.
Another huge aspect of general asshole-ness is victimization. So you’ve pissed everyone in your life off and now you feel bad for yourself and everyone else should too. Poor little a-hole. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works. Pity parties are the fucking worst and usually include a very short guest list and a cash bar. Clearly empathy has never been my strong suit but it’s pretty difficult for me to feel sorry for people who’s woes are all self inflicted. I feel sorry to the kids starving in Africa, people killed due to genocide and Yolanda Foster #lymebrain.
The hardest part about BEING an asshole is accepting that you’re an asshole. And to be honest, assholes usually stay assholes until they die an asshole and then have a super assholey afterlife. Right? Right. Assholes are like assholes, everyone’s got one.
To end things delicately, a poem:
If you’re still upset that as a kid, your daddy missed you make your first goal,
Or while all the other kids got Barbie dream houses, Santa only gave you coal,
And while all your peers went to college, and instead you chose the pole,
Realize it’s not anyone else’s fault, that you became an asshole.