It is no secret that I am a highly irritable lassie. Almost anything, anyone or any place can be a trigger for me to lose my shit. I nearly had an ulcer after a friend of mine told me she was going to get her acrylic nail filled… UNLESS YOU ARE AN ESCORT OR WORK AT A DOMINOS PIZZA WHO STILL WEARS ACRYLIC NAILS? But seriously. And don’t even get me STARTED on the Toyota Yaris… I hate that little troll car.
I was particularly perturbed this morning when I heard of the #DontJudgeChallenge infecting basic bitches everywhere to take to their social media accounts and post pictures of themselves with fake acne, unibrows, disheveled hair and glasses to project societies perception of “ugly”, only to then wash it all off and reveal their “beautiful selves”. Shit like this makes me want to pull a Caitlyn Jenner and switch teams. I hate almost any social media challenges but especially ones that are primarily focused on appearance. The #NoMakeUp selfie of 2014 nearly sent me to Passages in Malibu.
To be clear, I am no stranger to a self indulgent Instagram post. Just last week I had a serious digestive breakthrough which I immediately celebrated with a bikini pic because I was fucking feeling myself. I am not ashamed of that. And if I have to nearly sell an ovary to buy a new pair of shoes, I sure as shit will post a picture of them because I am anti social and need to justify the purchase. It’s not great but it’s the truth and like Jill Zarin, “I own it”.
But less about me (@jackieschimmel) and back to the matter at hand… the #DontJudgeChallenge. First of all, there is literally nothing empowering about dressing your face in clown make-up to be “ugly” and then revealing that you are like SuPer pReTty with a killer contour and perfect lashes. Fucking gag me. What a statement! It’s super cute that you can wash all that shit off and go resume your shift at Abercrombie and Fitch. What about the bitch waiting for her Acutane prescription or a distant cousin to the Kardashians who hasn’t gotten her unibrow electrolysis treatment yet?
There are plenty of young girls who don’t have the luxury of wiping blemishes off, so these pathetic public attempts to liberate women are essentially just humble brags wrapped in faux-feminist packages.
I beg of you from the bottom of my black hollow heart, lets put an end to these exteriorly focused social media challenges because they are moronic and make you look like a huge asshole. You don’t need a “cause” to show off your shit, you don’t need perfect skin and contacts to be beautiful and you don’t need a tapeworm to rock a string bikini although it did help me a lot. Looks fade, tits drop, wrinkles form and we all die looking like gray fucking raisins ANYWAYS so let’s kibosh this shit and all go read a book, sing “Kumbaya” and swap tampons.