Oy vey. I was hoping my next Kim Richards update was announcing that she had a line of sad polyester tunics and white capris for sale on QVC but no, things have only gotten worse for the turtle loving, fuchsia lipstick loving Kim. Back in April she was arrested for trespassing, resisting arrest and battery of a police officer. If the antics had stopped there she would have one hell of a Lifetime biopic to pitch.
Before this case was settled, Kim checked into a rehab to get help. Apparently her road to recovery was as short as Brand Glanville’s exposed tampon string because just a couple days ago Kim was arrested for shoplifting $600 worth of shit from Target. I mean if your going to pull a shoplifting stunt, at least be chic about it and go to a high-end department store a la Winona Ryder? Fucking Target? Really? What the fuck did she steal? An economy pack of Lysol wipes? A value pack of Mossimo full coverage briefs? It’s all so depressing.
I don’t want to seem insensitive to people who are mentally ill but I simply must state the obvious. Kim Richards is the new Amanda Bynes. Or perhaps Lindsay Lohan? Sources are now saying her family is considering putting her in a 5150 hold, which is really sad, but also ANOTHER amazing platform for a latter book deal. Being the compassionate Samaritan that I am, I have gone ahead and compiled a few title ideas for Richards’s exclusive use.
Voom Voom Sha-Clink
Turtles > Alcohol
Fifty Shades of Orange
Where’s Monty? (A picture book inspired by Where’s Waldo)
Kim and The Giant Cart
I feel really bad for Kim’s family and hope she gets her shit together quickly. Kim, I have always loved you and your special occasion high ponytails and hope to see you healthy and nursing a squirrel very soon.