Today is a day that has challenged all my serotonin levels. I know its popular to bitch about Mondays but when you are a mediocre d-list blogger/podcast host, it’s always the fucking weekend. I woke up feeling fresh and ready for my favorite night of television ahead (Bachelor in Paradise and RHOC) and went to kick off my week with a double wheatgrass shot #earthy. For the record, Jamba Juice is the WORST place to get any sort of good news. Everyone is more concerned about their free boost and although the staff is chipper, they are really just ready to get the fuck out of there so they can head back to the community college they came from. No offense…
As I waited in line my phone pinged alerting me of a new follower on twitter. As you can tell from the post below, followers are a huge part of my life. I love them more than most people in my family despite never actually meeting them. Family is bound to you by blood, social media followers have to make a conscious effort. It’s more sincere. Anyways, I check my phone to see who my new follower might be secretly praying for a minority (need to broaden my audience) and was delighted to see my new follower was a lovely chocolate man named Lebron, Lebron James. Why does that sound so familiar? Hmm. Did we go to high school together? We couldn’t have… I know every black person within a 10 mile radius of my hometown by name. I decide to further investigate.
Holy fucking shit balls. Lebron fucking James followed me on twitter. I contemplated buying a round of wheatgrass for everyone in that place but I’m jewish so that seems super fiscally irresponsible. He only follows 180 people, so naturally I assume he must be really in love with me. I knew buying those oversized hoop earrings was going to be lucrative. Fuck I am urban.
For the next 38 minutes I called every heterosexual male I knew, emailed my dad alerting him I am a big fucking deal and started thinking of cute biracial names for the bastard child I planned on having aka my child support turned shoe funds. Sienna seems too Arian and Laquisha seems too on the nose. Maybe something obscure like Melon? That could garner some good publicity.
As I settled into my local sushi place for a celebratory sashimi (had to get my raw fish fix before I was knocked up with Lebron’s child) I decided it would only be polite to send him a tweet thanking him for the follow. I figured I would utilize the perks of direct messaging as opposed to a basic tweet, that’s for gross commoners. We were basically dating.
As I went to send him a message I realized I was not allotted the option to directly message him… that’s odd? Maybe he doesn’t allow direct messages? I then scrolled through his elite selection of 184 people he follows on twitter assuming I was still one of them. After 4 scrolls I realized I was no longer apart of the club….
What the fucking fuck? Is it my hair? Am I not funny via twitter? Is it because I talk too openly about my digestion? WHY LEBRON WHY? Lebron James followed me on twitter for 43 minutes and it was the best 43 minutes of my life. Like some dumb fuck once said; Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. Lebron, I am here when you are ready to come back to me… arms and ovaries open.