Full Confrontal

For the first quarter century of my life I have been absolutely petrified of confrontation. I owe at least $6,000 in late fees to Blockbuster just because I could never show my face there again after being delinquent with my rented collection of Nancy Meyers films. The possibility of scrutiny or any awkward conversation literally gives me diarrhea.

A few months ago I came to the harsh realization that my perpetual “non-confrontational” shtick was not only unhealthy, but also kind of made me full of shit. Metaphorically, not digestively, obvi. I know it may seem very contradictory that someone like yours truly would be non-confrontational, but here’s what would go down: I’d hear that a friend of mine would talk shit about me and do nothing about it. I’d pretend like it never happened, act like a phony ass bitch, and slowly distance myself without any explanation. Ultimately, I’d end up looking like the bigger asshole for being flaky. I’d never acknowledge what REALLY happened in order to avoid confrontation-induced diarrhea. It’s a vicious (and sometimes slimming) cycle.

When the tables are turned and I am confronted or feel cornered, I go into fight mode and will turn into a savage hyena. I also think the root of my non-confrontationalism is because in all other aspects of my life I am so loud and obnoxious. Or I am just lazy as shit and don’t have the energy to deal.

The problem is that when you don’t speak up when something bothers you, one of two things happens:

  1. you vent to others, things get lost in translation, you end up being a shady fuck
  2. you suppress all emotions and then one day snap and become Gone Girl.

Being non-confrontational is fan-fucking-tastic if you are brokering a peace treaty for terrorists but not in your everyday life. Someone much smarter than me once said, “Avoiding conflict doesn’t extinguish conflict.” So before you internalize your issues and ultimately find yourself in a state of digestive disarray, cut the bullshit and speak the fuck up.

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