For those of who are not currently stalking me, you may not be privy to my recent lovers pilgrimage to London to be with my puppy daddy. While I love cold climate layering (ideal for letting myself go), day drinking and fish and chips, the downside of this beautiful city is it’s tragic pigeon infestation. When I tell you that my only true wish in life is for every bird to immediately extinct or die a brutal painful death I mean every single fucking word. I am sorry if that offends you. Actually, I am not sorry at all. Since birth, every birthday candle blown has had the intention of the entire species being eliminated.
Everytime a wing flaps, a part of my soul dies. I considered bunkering down in front of my flat with an airsoft gun or casually leaving breadcrumbs traced with arsenic through every street within a 4 mile radius of our flat (#sobritish) but that requires too much physical activity. Like I always say, a smooth sea never made for a skillfull sailor.
Needless to say, my transition amidst the wildife, weather and vacation constipation is not going to be easy. Please follow me on my journey by following me on insta, twitter (@jackieschimmel) and SUBSCRIBE to my podcast on iTunes (NEW episodes every Tuesday). Because the thirst is so very real.
Also unrelated, please watch this. Does anyone else remember when Jessica Simpson had her own fucking variety show? Poor Jewel.