Some declare that the holiday season is “the most wonderful time of the year” to that particularly chipper group of people who believe that; go fuck a poinsettia. All the colorful lights, tinsel and Best Buy gift cards can not disguise this month for what it really is… the beginning break-up season. It is with a very heavy heart and fresh refill of generic brand Lorazepam that I inform you of the latest celebrity couple to end their marriage and maybe my faith in humanity.
Today Yolanda Lemontits Foster and her husband David Foster announced they are getting a fucking divorce. The irony is not lost on me that this news has surfaced on the premiere date of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but what’s truly confusing is the dissolution of this marriage. If Yolanda Foster can’t make it as a wife, how the fuck am I supposed to?
“Sadly we have decided to go our separate ways,” the couple tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “We’ve shared nine beautiful and joyous years together. During that time we experienced love, friendship and the inevitable challenges that come with managing a marriage, careers, blended families and health issues.”
This news has gutted me to my core and made me take a deep look into my own relationship habits. This is a woman who stood up at EVERY FUCKING DINNER PARTY and gave her husband a Bar Mitzvah worthy speech of gratitude in his honor. Do you know how many fucking chickens she roasted? Picnics she brought to his office? She deserves half of his fortune just for maintaining their glass fridge so pristinely.
To quote Yolanda, “”I absolutely cater to my husband’s needs. And I love doing it. My husband is king in my house and I think that’s the way it should be. That’s what keeps two people together. My husband is a genius.” Yolanda fails to understand that the true secret to men is keeping their ego at bay and making a direct correlation to all their personal success and your support. The male ego is the devil. You want them to be secure enough to give you a girls night, but insecure enough to keep them faithful and in love with you. It’s that simple and that complicated. Too much ego stroking and you’ll be packing up your lemon grove.
I love Yolanda and think she is the epitome of a trophy wife, unfortunately David may have too many other trophies on his piano. I will be doing the master cleanse for the next hour to sit shivah for the former Foster couple and taking the picture of their Malibu infinity pool clad mansion of my vision board because love doesn’t live there anymore. I can’t even… goodbye “my love”.