Dear DJ James Kennedy

Dear James,

There are a myriad of reasons I dream about hitting you in my luxury European vehicle that I don’t take selfies with because #decency. Firstly, I truly envy your ballerina body. I have always dreamed of having the same body type as Maureen from Center Stage minus the whole bulimia factor. Cooper Nielson would totally fuck you and give you the Swan Lake solo so congrats on that.

The way you talk to not just women but human beings in general is appalling. I don’t know how to politely tell you this but I’ll give it a go … you are a mediocre looking busboy with an entry level BMW and a laptop with some fucking stickers on it. You have no physical, mental, emotional or social qualifications to behave the way you do. Nobody does, but especially not you. Who spits on somebody’s door and then justifies it by saying “it wasn’t even a loogey”. I am so embarrassed for you.

You say you were born into the music industry, not sure if anyone told you this but having George Michael as an estranged godfather and rubbing peanut butter on the backs of your arms so your bff aka George’s dog can lick/bite it off and give you an erection does not make you some musical prodigy. I am fairly positive you will not be in consideration for a Grammy with this shit.

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Payne? Cuzzi in the SWEET (*suite)? Dumb or dyslexic? You decide.

Watching you on Watch What Happens Live officially sent me over the fucking edge. I can handle your butt chin, your size 23 waist, your delusional ego and even your Jimmy Nuetron hairdo but NO ASSHOLE FUCKS WITH MY DAILY NIGHTCAP ENTERTAINMENT. You and Lala are like a cautionary tale for our generation. I burned 3,000 calories just from pure rage watching that nightmare.

I am hopeful this letter finds you well. I can imagine my thoughts will inspire some new smash hit “fuCk dA hAteRz feat LaLa KenT” and you will headline Coachella this year if someone can cover your shift at Sur. The invitation to appear on The Bitch Bible podcast is on the table if you would like to settle our beef before the New Year. I will bite the shit out of your arm. Ain’t nobody that I’m feeling like I’m feeling you.

Love you forever. Never change.

Best,

Jackie Schimmel

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10 thoughts on “Dear DJ James Kennedy

  1. Catherine says:

    Watch what happens was so vile and disrespectful from both of those ass holes. So so embarrassing! Love your letter now let’s see one to the oh so famous LaLa from…..UTAH NOT COMPTON like she acts like she is!

  2. Chelsea says:

    You covered most of his foul behavior, but you forgot to mention how he threw a tantrum during that charity dinner at Sur for inner-city youth. What a selfish prick! I can’t psychoanalyze him, because I know reality shows might be skewed a bit on whats really real, but 100%… he is the biggest douche and should be Stassi-bitch slapped.

  3. Paige Geer says:

    Thanks a million for writing this. Also, just wondering, does Lala saying, “Let’s get it poppin’ daddy”, (when referencing how she can hook up with Jax) haunt your dreams like it does mine? I fear I’ll never recover!

    xo
    Paige.

  4. Bree says:

    I came across your site when I Googled “James Kennedy Douchebag” for the hell of it. You are spot on and thank you for highlighting that imbecile can’t use proper spelling or grammar. Your site is amazing. Love it!

  5. Racia Romey says:

    So I googled that ” I was embarrassed for la la & James performance at Rehab ( more embarrassed for la la’s fuckin ass) this chick think she so “g” & uuuuummm so dope” well we could stick with the ” dope ” description cuz this ratchet thot looked like she was smokin (shootin) sniffing something , so hold up before anyone starts attacking me for the negative comments , I will give la la her props … She is a georgeous girl , BUT she don’t know how to act …

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