Things I Kurrently Kan’t With

Sorry I haven’t been actively blogging lately. I have been in a great mood lately and tend to only do my best work when I am angry or super menstrual. Lucky for you and my vagina, I am menstruating (#notpregnant) so I knew it was time to delight my bitches with some updates on my life.

Firstly, I have started wearing Uggs. I feel like I should probably go get a Wal-Mart credit card and go buy some fucking Warm Vanilla Lace body spray because isn’t that what people in Uggs do? This is a true story, I am quoted in my high school yearbook saying, “Uggs are UG” a decade ago (I won ‘Best Style’ #humblebrag and that tidbit was all I could come up with as a style philosophy). At the time, this was very controversial. I lost like 7 friends who swore by a Hollister jean skirt and Ugg boot combo after that was published. So as you can imagine, as I ventured to Starbucks this morning in leggings and my very vintage Uggs I felt like a super cunt traitor but also amazing.

Also on an entirely unrelated note… someone called me a pedophile on twitter. Just because I innocently called Hilary Duff’s 4 year old son hott. I would like to go on record and say that I stand by that statement. Seriously though have you seen him? Hottest 4 year old I have ever seen. If the one upside of sexism is that as a woman it’s less pedophilic to call kids hott, then please let me take advantage of that. Kaia Gerber is hott as fuck. She gets Cindy Crawford genealogy AND a lifetime of Casamigos Tequila. Romeo Beckham… please call me when you are 18. Or 17. Or 12.

Fuck “friends day”. The best part about making harsh statements against these fabricated Facebook holidays is that people get so offended and immediately start to defend themselves for taking part in the propaganda. If you are a regular cyber stalker like yours truly, you don’t need a sappy computer generated slideshow to reminisce. Firstly, you don’t even like 60% of the people pictured and secondly, no one gives a fuck. Publicly celebrating FrIeNdS dAy is like publicly celebrating your menstrual cycle after a pregnancy scare. Or like a Ramona Singer “New Beginnings” party. It’s self indulgent as fuck.

And lastly, on this day February 3, 2016, I initiate yet another Kardashian Kleanse. Because after 3 painful episodes of Kocktails with Khloe, 26 disgruntled reader emails attacking me for calling Caitlyn Jenner an asshole and 487 hours of watching Kylie Jenner’s snapchat and crying myself to sleep – I just kan’t do it anymore.

I miss Lace.

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11 thoughts on “Things I Kurrently Kan’t With

  1. Alison says:

    I tried to watch Kocktails with Khloe this past weekend & couldn’t make it past the first 10 mins. I love Khloe, but I just kan’t.

  2. acquiescent72 says:

    That stupid thing on Facebook simply reminded me that only my grandma is connected to me…or some other family member. I now despise Friend Friday or whatever the hump it’s called…

    Anyways, do you think people are upset that you simply didn’t call ol’ Cait a c-word?!?! I mean, isn’t “asshole” sort of gender-biased. It’s not that I care, but the thought is intriguing.

  3. Mallory says:

    Oh girl, no with the Uggs. Don’t do it. There are comfy alternatives out there I promise! Not Uggs,not you, Jackie!

    I think your comment on Duff’s son is HILARIOUS. it should be taken as a compliment—Hillary is long past her short lived hot years, so any laudatory remark about her or her spawn should induce a thrillfest for Hil, but so much for gratitude.

    And I was just saying how disgusted I am with myself about my obsession(love or hate , I can’t seem to figure it out) The fact that I cyber lurk despite its self sabotaging repercussions, however, is practically ex-bf stalker behavior . So I’m going to Make a genuine attempt to kleanse myself from the Kardashian Klan, and focus on better things like RHOBH and Vanderpump Rules.

    Love you Jackie

  4. Elizabeth says:

    I’m waiting for Kingston Rossdale to turn a “mature 16” before I make a move. Could you imagine the dysfunction in that family? Christmas dinner would be amazing since Gwen is now spiritual and tries to wear her boyfriend’s Real Tree gear. No camo. Never camo.
    Or, I’ll just go for “Anwah” Hadid. Hello, My loooooooove.

    xo

  5. jaclynangelia says:

    The whole friends day Facebook collage just made me feel like I didn’t have any friends because all the pictures were with family…. Because who even uses Facebook anymore? My mom.

  6. shiksa says:

    you’ve got a keen eye for bullshit and write well, but why stop with low brow stuff like the bachelor? There’s better material out there.

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