affordable

Jackie’s Easy Ramen Recipe

As far as I have been responsible for feeding myself, I have had a deep and steadfast affinity for all noodles. They are cheap, never go bad and versatile. I don’t give a fuck what Marie Osmond, Jillian Michaels or your gluten free roommate tells you… carbs are NOT the enemy. I get aroused by a good pasta and if you learn to make it at home for yourself, you can cut out a lot of the fatty, unhealthy bullshit ingredients restaurants add (same goes with salad dressing). Last night I experimented with an old friend of a noodle, Ramen, and was pleasantly tickled.

I haven’t cooked Ramen in years because it takes me back to a dark place… college. I know being that I am just 39% basic, one would assume I loved college and was in a sorority and like shared hotel rooms in Vegas to go to some day club cause I knew the promoter…but no. I fucking hated college. Hence while I only made it about a year and a half. I spent the better part of my collegiate days ditching class, doctoring fake report cards to send to my dad to see if fake straight A’s could wrangle me a few extra hundred a month, watching Barefoot Contessa, then going to Food for Less in pursuit of discount Branzino.

Unfortunately, once mid-month hit I usually had to resort to one fucking thing to sustain my beastly appetite, Ramen. So as you can imagine, we have a very sentimental and indifferent relationship, Ramen and I.

Last night, I went back in time along with a more highly developed culinary touch and gave my 5 year old emergency Ramen package a go and here is the easiest, most delicious, cheap, healthy asian noodle dinner you have ever tasted. Fuck you Ina.

What you need (for one serving #allbymyself #dontjump) 1 package of ramen noodles, 2 small heads of baby bok choy, handful of kale, 2 handfuls of shitake mushrooms (or whichever you like), 2 small thai peppers, ginger, 5 cloves of garlic, 1 shallot, ¼ lb of steak (I used stir fry style), one egg, teriyaki sauce, 1 ½ cups of veggie broth, fish sauce, low sodium soy sauce, lime, chives.

  1. Soft boil an egg in pot of boiling water, 6 minutes is perfection erection, remove shell and rinse under cool water to stop cooking, put aside.
  2. In same water (#resourceful) cook your ramen noodles about 3 minutes, throwout the flavoring packet – that shit will leave you bloated until 2018.
  3. Strain noodles and set aside.
  4. Over medium heat, add about 2 tablespoons of olive oil, 5 cloves of chopped garlic, half a thumb worth of peeled and chopped fresh ginger, 2 thai peppers (scrape out the insides these fuckers are HOTT) and half of a shallot chopped. Sautee until translucent.
  5. Peel leaves of the bok choy (throw out the tough inside part) and add to the ginger/garlic and toss until they soften about 2 minutes.
  6. Add mushrooms, sautee another 2 minutes.
  7. Add vegetable broth, few dashes of soy sauce, few dashes of fish sauce, juice and zest of half a lime and handful of kale, stire and let simmer on low heat until shit gets hott and all veggies are soft and wilted
  8. In separate pan heat up tablespoon of olive oil and add meat of your liking, sautee just lightly so meat does not get touch, add a dash of teriyaki to give some sweetness and throw in some sesame seeds if you got em.
  9. Add your ramen noodles and egg to the hot broth to reheat and then pour into a bowl. Slice the soft boiled egg in half and place on top.
  10. Add meat, handful of chopped chives, remaining raw shallot, lime wedge or zest on top of noodles and thank me later.

 

How To: Make Apple Tarts

I don’t fucking bake, here is video evidence why…

Sure I probably alienated 92% of my readers and am probably going to be sued by Ina Garten (Jeffrey call me) but the turnovers turned out delicious and at least I could use this video as evidence for any future bipolar diagnosis. Bon appétit bitches!

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Soup to Help You Poop

I am so fucking bloated. Pretty sure that will be acknowledged on my tombstone because I wouldn’t want the embalmer to judge me on my seemingly slender frame and surprise bloated midsection. Healthy digestion has never been my thing. Maybe it’s the 45 lbs of cheese I consume weekly or my liking towards public restrooms that makes going to the bathroom so very stressful.

Because of my ailment, every once in a while I have to lighten my load and guide myself into salvation with a laxative like meal. Last night, I was feelling particularly with (food) child so I knew it was time to bust out my tried and true roasted tomato soup. It’s fast, easy, healthy and will have you blissfully shitting in no time…

INGREDIENTS:

  1. Crate of grape/cherry tomatoes
  2. 1 lb of chicken broth (vegetable broth works if you are a loser vegan)
  3. Fresh basil
  4. 1 white onion diced
  5. 8 cloves of garlic chopped
  6. Crushed red pepper
  7. Olive oil
  8. S+P

roasted-tomatoesOnion-Garlic

Preheat oven to 375. Put tomatoes in baking dish, toss with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast for an hour or until they burst open and get golden. In pot sautee onions and garlic until translucent. Add tomatoes to pot, add crushed red pepper, chicken broth and let simmer. For smoother soup, pulse in blender and re-simmer. Top with fresh basil! **If you are looking to further constipate yourself add parmesan or ricotta to make it creamy and serve with side salad and a down home grilled cheese sandwich.

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HAGS BITCH

Summer is high season for the basic bitch. This is when they get to bust out their high-heeled sandals, polish off their sad Tiffany kidney bean necklace and pick up their terry cloth Juicy Couture tube dress from the dry cleaners. Is that SPF 4 Hawaiian Tropic oil stained Michael Kors watch I smell? Ah yes. School’s out and so are the basic bitches social graces. In fear of appearing pretentious and GOOP-esque with a sad “Summer Must Have” list I thought it would be better to have a list of things NOT to rock this summer.

Poolside Heels Crystal Hefner called and wants her look back. I have never understood the psychology behind wearing a platformed stiletto next to a slippery pool. In conjunction with a side tied sarong and you might as well go get that butterfly tramp stamp and get into the adult film industry. It’s tacky and quite frankly just dangerous.

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Tropical Beach Towel This seems a bit dramatic but nothing pisses me off more than a brightly colored, low absorbency, tropical themed beach towel. It doesn’t matter how strong your cover up and accessory game is, being the bitch that walks in with a hot pink towel with a fucking dolphin on it is a bad look. Just fucking air-dry or stick to solids

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Glasses like this… No explanation necessary.

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Ruffle Skirts and/or Mullet Skirts These had their moment a decade ago. If you find yourself wearing something that even looks vaguely similar to an outfit worn by Paris Hilton on “The Simple Life” it’s time to hand off to your housekeeper.

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Flower Nail Art The Hawaiian flower with the rhinestone on your big toenail is not nail art, it is a nail tragedy. Unless you are 4 years old or your boyfriend bought you a season pass to Six Flags as an anniversary present this is no longer socially acceptable. So next time your Vietnamese nail technician points her jade bangled hand at your toe and says, “You won flowah and esstra fiteen min muhssage?” JUST SAY NO. You’re welcome.

Beautiful Flower Nail Art

Your High School Bae This one goes out to my bitches that just graduated high school, I know you think you and little Timmy are going to effortlessly continue a long distance relationship while he stays home and attends community college while simultaneously being the best damn sandwich artist Subway has ever seen and you head off to ASU to pursue Public Relations while simultaneously learning how to make Jell-O shots in your dorm room, but it’s not going to work.

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A Custom Ringtone If every time your phone rings, Maroon 5’s “Sugar” or Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” plays it is time to re-evaluate your life decisions. Opt for a tasteful vibrate or any other default ringtone. I would rather hear the cry of a dying childhood pet than a personalized ringtone. Well, maybe not my dying dog. I could deal with a cat cry, they are assholes.

HAGS B.

Bitchy Bellini

It’s Memorial Day and that means paying respect to our troops who defend our country and keep us safe … and day drinking #AMERICA. If you are like me and like to be asleep by 8:30pm, getting your drink on begins at 11am. Nothing says good morning like a fruity and frisky bellini. With fresh peaches and juice, it’s basically a fucking smoothie.

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  • Peaches
  • Orange or Grapefruit Juice
  • Mint
  • Champagne (or Prosecco)

Directions: Puree fresh diced peaches in a blender with dash of juice, blend until smooth and then strain to get rid of any chunks/skin (gross). Let chill then add one healthy spoonful to bottom of Champagne flute and top with the good stuff. Garnish with fruit and mint. Cheers bitch!

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Spring Break Style

Spring has sprung and brought all of my favorite things; caftan weather, marshmallow peeps and massive anxiety towards “festival season”. I know bitches really lose their mind for fall when they can get off on layering and mediocre knee boots. I couldn’t give two fucks about dressing for the fall/winter season. Mostly because I spend most of December with a rash (I am allergic to 98% of fabrics) and usually with 10 pounds of extra weight… you know, to stay insulated.

Needless to say, the second I can shimmy my pastey ass into a sheer tunic and awkward J.Lo head scarf poolside I become a better bitch. Here are some off my Spring Break/Festival Season picks for the blossoming warm weather loving Bitch.collage

Comment below for details and for more style talk listen to this weeks podcast “Pretty Hurts”  (tinyurl.com/thebitchbiblepod) with my promiscuous Grandma Gloria and turbo-bitch cousin Joanna xx

Bitchy Bedroom Makeover

So earlier this week I did a mini makeover on my bedroom and as a byproduct my whole world feels refreshed. I have always adapted a Donald Sterling approach to home decor keeping an all white color scheme. I find it makes everything crisp, fresh and very un-child friendly which during this point of my life seems necessary. I also think that keeping to the all white vibe makes it very easy to give the space new life.

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With only $350 dollars, serious online perusing and a few lucky clearance finds I was able to give my bedroom a fresh new look. Here are some of my favorite finds!

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I had amazing luck at HomeGoods, Z Gallerie and online at Lulu & Georgia (which you can shop HERE)! Similar to dressing, I find that the style and personality is really all about the accessories. Whether it be a statement necklace or a seriously fabulous pillow – a little bling goes along way!

 

More is More

Yesterday Jesus was resurrected which really got me thinking. Firstly I am super confused by the tie in to Jesus being reborn and creepy adults dressing as a large bunny and hiding eggs filled with store brand jelly beans and chocolate for small children to wander around a park and seek for their treats. It all seems a bit rapey to me. Like “come hither kids, get your baskets and go search around this public park and look for my colored eggs filled with candy!”. It all just sounds like a hug Megan’s law opportunity, I am sure I will get major hate mail for saying that. Another thing… do bunny’s even fucking lay eggs? I spent about 4 hours trying to find the correlation between Jesus, bunny’s, chocolate and eggs and ended up in a very weird place so I had to move on for my own mental sanity. Being a jew, I never argue with free food so I am just going to go with it… I also kind of lose my shit for those marshmallow Peeps so I digress. During any religious holiday I always try and reflect and figure out things I really believe in and shit that makes me well… me.

If this conversation was getting too deep for you don’t worry I haven’t been keeping up with current events or reading any good books lately… I am getting back on track. Last night as I lay in bed after shoveling ham and baked beans down my throat at my boyfriend’s family Easter party I started to think about some founding principles I choose to live by. For example; More is more. The Easter Bunny has his creepy bowtie and colorful eggs, Jesus had a chic caftan and seriously seductive loin cloth situation and this Bitch likes to be dripping in sparkle. Ever since I had a wrist large enough to shove a bangle onto I have been collecting jewelry and slowly embezzling from my mother to add to my collection. When I was 6 I got the boot from my AYSO soccer team because the coach had asked me to take off my jewelry for games. How fucking rude. How else was I supposed to get a Gatorade or Nike endorsement deal without showcasing my personal style on the field? Obviously my hand eye coordination wasn’t setting me up to be fucking Mia Hamm but at least I could be well accessorized so I could troll for the next David Beckham during halftime.

I have been pillaging antique stores, flea markets, family heirlooms and personal purchases since I could walk, talk and swipe. Accessories can make a white jeans and t-shirt look from boring to bling bling. My rules to accessorizing is no rules. Here are some of my favorite sparkle I have collected over my quarter century on earth.

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Anyone else have a total sparkle boner. I have been fortunate enough to inherit some beautiful pieces from relatives and one very loving boyfriend but many of these pieces I have scavenged all over the place. Like I have always said… if it sparkles, Baby likey. I try to mix metals, price points, stones and styles like a mother fucker and always feel a bit more fabulous with some sparkle.

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We know Coco Chanel always said to remove one piece of jewelry before you leave the house…but c’mon. This bitch loves bling. XO

 

Spring Fashion

When fall/winter comes around I know most people lose their shit for layering, scarves, beanies, boots, tights and all that boring shit. I figure I only have this svelte for another year or 2 sans exercise so nothing about me gets excited to swaddle myself up in excess fabric. If I wanted to add extra bulk to my frame I would go engorge myself with double-double cheeseburgers not lose my shit for a fucking infinity scarf. I prefer a bare leg to a hosed leg, prefer an exposed décolleté to a rashy neck as a result of some sickly H&M polyester blend scarf and overall think layering is for people with things to hide. What can I say? Winter clothing aint my jam. When Springtime rolls around I am one happy camper. The pollen in the air irritates my eyes which gives them a super glassy green look and the rising temperature lets me bust out my labia skimming hemlines, colors, prints and sparkle. So say farewell to your tired black leggings, adios to the combat boots and a big fuck off to your black wool coat cause its Springtime bitches. Here are some Springy looks I have been oogling recently… and yes I hate myself for just using the word “oogling”. (Click for full size)

spring fashion

For info on where to get these Spring-alicious looks comment below! XO

Bitch Throws a Dinner Party

I watch enough Real Housewives to know how to throw a proper dinner party. As much as I’d love to hire Kevin Lee to make everything “shi shi shi” I will have to be  my own transgender Asian homosexual party planner. Naturally my theme developed from an accessory, some cute Moroccan napkins I found and some fabulous new gold charger plates (you know you’re an adult when you have charger plates). Another adult move, I even made a fucking mocktail. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore – I mean we all know I’m not a huge fan of sobriety but I digress. I wanted my first dinner party to reflect not only my effortless domesticity but also what kind of woman I am. Deceivingly fancy, warm and … easy. I decided to delight my patrons with a Mediterranean menu because I am a selfish whore (JK – on the whore bit) and I could make everything ahead of time so I was still able to mingle and socialize.

Menu

CUCUMBER MINT FAUXJITO (which I subsequently added vodka too – a mocktail only gets you so far)
MY WORLD FAMOUS LAMB MEATBALLS W/TZATZIKI SAUCE
GREEK FETA, OLIVES, HUMMUS AND PITA BREAD

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SHIRAZI SALAD
BASMATI RICE WITH HERBS
ROASTED EGGPLANT WITH MINT AND FETA
“SAFFRON” CHICKEN WITH OLIVES/THYME

And nothing for dessert… I don’t fucking bake. Ice cream anyone?

Dinner was a hit (I think) and I feel like I have reached a new level of womanhood… kinda. #hostesswiththemostest Presentation1

Haute Mess Clothing

Not to sound like a total fuckhead but I am really proud of myself. I have always prided myself for being a high functioning under achiever and with the birth of Haute Mess Clothing (and Haute Mess Life in general) have realized I may have been under estimating myself. Clearly when there is money on the line I actually do have the necessary work ethic. AND THANK GOD, these Loubs aren’t gonna pay for themselves. ???????????????????????????????

To quote one of my idols Kim Zolciak “I asked, believed and recieved.” I am not sure this is 100% fitting for this particular post but just go with it. Under some miracle I was able to create a slew of shirts, amatuerly create an online store and am now able to share with you! Click SHOP above and check out my first (of many) Haute Mess Merchandise perfect for the walk of shame, brunch with your waspy grandparents or for a night on the town. If you’re gonna act a mess, at least look haute doing it.

Please send any ideas/comments/concerns/questions to beahautemess@gmail.com or comment below! XOX

Wrist Candy

“Before leaving the house, a lady should stop, look in the mirror, and remove one piece of jewelry.” -Coco Chanel

No offense to my girl Coco, but that is just not how this Haute Mess rolls. And I am clearly not a lady.

I honestly don’t keep up with “trends” because I am too stuck in my ways and have a very stubborn sense of style. One principle I live by is… More is more. We have all heard Coco’s words of wisdom and although it pains me to say, I am just not that into it. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE accessories. On average I wear about 12 pieces of jewelry daily and virtually cannot function with less than 7. I am pretty sure I came out of the birth canal wearing some gold bangles and a pavé cuff. When I was 7 years old I was on a youth soccer team and the coach had to ask my mother repeatedly to stop bringing me to practice with so much jewelry on since it created a “safety hazard” to my teammates. When my mom forwarded this information I was appalled. I blame the demise of my potential soccer career on that very incident. In middle school, my best friend Briana and I rhinestoned our PE clothes with Swarovski crystals which got us into quite a pickle with our alleged pedophile Gym teacher. Bottom line: Baby likes bling.  photo 1

  • Champagne Diamond Bangle
  • Turquoise Bracelet from Flea Market
  • Vintage Cluster Bracelet from Great Grandma
  • J Crew Stud Stretch Bracelet
  • Gold Chain Cuff

I think a bare wrist is a sad wrist and therefore should always get a little accessory lovin.  A self-made “trend” I have been busting out lately is serious bracelet orgy. We are talking bangle on bracelet on cuff ACTION people. It really is like a party on my wrist. All colors, shapes, styles,metals and price point welcome. I used to be famous for my cast of bracelets and let my little trademark fall to the wayside. I have always loved a blingy arm and am happy to bring back this nostalgic statement back into my life. Let’s ix-nay those disgusting platform shoes and 90’s style chokers and bring this into the trend cycle FOR GOOD.

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The rules for this arm party are NO rules. Whoever said you have to stick to one metal (gold, silver, rose gold) needs to go back into the Chico’s they came out of. Mixed metals shouldn’t be segregated, its called the effing Civil Rights Movement of accessories. Get with it. The same theory goes for stones. I can’t tell you the anxiety I get when watching woman try and match the color of their accesories to their outfit. Newsflash, if you are wearing a coral colored dress you DO NOT need to wear matching coral necklace, coral shoes and a fucking coral pashmina. It’s embarrassing. I love the juxtapose of vintage and modern jewelry, fashion and fine jewelry etc. brac2

This wrist statement makes any plain dress, jeans and a t shirt or simple outfit from BLAH to TA-DA! It’s fun, so easy to do on any budget and has very minimal anxiety factors (no matching, no strategics, no mixed metal stigmas).

Haute Mess Lesson: Sorry, Coco. More is more…get your arm candy on and hashtag #hautemesslife for chance to win some Haute Mess BLING!