basic

Gilded Dildo’s by Gwyneth.

Some people find joy in the sound of a child’s laughter, the sight of a baby bird learning to fly or the smell of a freshly baked apple pie. I find all life’s satisfaction within the release of a Goop gift guide. Just when you think… “Hmmm… maybe GP is just like one of us?” She assures our tax bracket and us that indeed she is not.

The Goop newsletter is my main source of cardiovascular exercise. I sweat, I laugh, I ponder all life’s unanswered questions “are truffles mushrooms or chocolates?” and then I have a good cry and blow my nose into $5 dollar bills.

Much to my dismay, this week Goop delighted us with a Sex Toy Guide. So EdGy! After waiting in line at the supermarket, perusing tabloids and reading headline after headline with GP saying, “I am not a prude!” (only someone prude as a fucking Duggar sister would say that) I abandoned my shopping cart and beelined to my nearest computer.

I am super emotionally invested in these Goop gift guides because I live with the eternal hope that one day she is going to include a fucking Mossimo tunic from Target or an IKEA throw pillow. Not that I would purchase either but at least I am concerned with my relatability factor.

Gwyneth, you have truly outdone yourself. What a minx. Don’t let the macrobiotic diet, personal shaman and truffle oil fountain fool you. Kill me.

Amidst the various $400 nipple clamps, $540 leather whip and the bargain $20 anal beads, Gwyneth Paltrow (Heidi Fleiss) also recommends a $15,000 24-karat gold dildo… THERE she is!

Okay. Firstly, I need a list of all people who own this device and it’s manufacturers because they all need to go find a (tall) roof and jump off of it.

If someone is shoving $15,000 up his or her orifices it better cure cervical cancer or own a private plane. How do you keep the gilded dildo clean? Take it to a jeweler? Like next time you are at the mall, just pop into Zale’s and ask for a quick polish while you go wait at the food court eating Hot Dog on a Stick? Do you know how many corn dog popsicles you could buy for $15,000? AND they are the same shape. Connect the dots bitches… I am just sayin.

Gwynny, I admire your complete disregard for self awareness. Poor people are no fun and give shitty birthday gifts. Never change, stay goopy and hopefully the gold plated dildo doesn’t turn you labia green.

Love always,

Jackie Schimmel

Goop Gift Guide 2015

There are times when I really start to question humanity and spiritual justice in this world. But just when my faith has almost dissipated the universe throws me a bone and I can see the light once again. Normally these spiritual awakenings come to me in the form of a Goop Gift Guide. Nothing and I repeat NOTHING gets my blood boiling, my heart bursting and my palms sweating like the release of a super Goopy curated list of things that nobody could or should have.

Like not that I am some fucking humanitarian but there are kids starving and carrying bowls of rice on their head somewhere, I am pretty sure we should throw some cash their way before spending $6,000 on a fucking caviar set. Ladies and gentleman, I am proud to present you the 2015 Goop Holiday Gift Guide (this is NOT a drill, this is 100% real).

ROLEX WATCH DAYTONA BLUE $14,968.94Because there is nothing radder than a custom, neon-blue watch” I can think of something radder Gwyneth, it’s called social awareness and likeability. Also thank you for being so accurate with the pricing. God forbid you round up the number six cents. Every penny counts!

THE ROSEWOOD HANDLE TRUFFLE SLICER $40If you own a truffle slicer…” I applaud Gwyneth for suggesting a gift under $12,000. However, I am not sure this is an a appropriate stocking stuffer.

CEDES MILANO TOOTHPASTE SQUEEZER $244Better than a chip clip!” Okay now I am starting to get angry. A mother fucking toothpaste squeezer? I am pretty sure it makes more sense to buy an economy sized supply of Crest at Costco then invest in a machine to squeeze out every last morsel of toothpaste. I would put my life on it that this bitch doesn’t own a fucking chip clip.

HERMES MAH-JONG SET ABOUT $46,000There’s a waiting list” I would like a copy of that waiting list. This is actually revolting. I adore the casual price estimates, Gwenyth is just like at the office slicing truffles and all “It’s about $46,000 not entirely sure. Whatevs. Brb gotta go get Apple her new gold-plated mechanical pencils #singlemother.”

SENNHEISER ORPHEUS HEADPHONES $55,000 “Because some audiophiles really do need $55,000 headphones” Like a recording of people gagging while reading this list? Even the way she spells “audiophiles” makes me want to die. I want to take the truffle slicer from above and slice my retinas at this point because it is all too much to handle.

18K GOLD DUMBELLS $125,000Speechless” Go fuck yourself.

WORLD VIEW EXPLORATION AT THE EDGE OF SPACE $90,000We want it.” Ironically this is still a teacher’s salary less than the fucking solid gold dumbells. “Happy Hanukkah Aunt Jodie! This year instead of the usual Target giftcard I am sending you to the edge of space. Have fun! XO, Jackie”

ULYSSES TIER STANDARD SURVIVAL KIT $12,500Give life, everything you need for a full two weeks.” How woodsy of you Gwyneth. What the hell is in the kit? Tracy Anderson? Hermes china? Preserved Foie Gras? I’d prefer the cash k thanks.

Tis the season to be Goopy. Fa la la la la, la la la VOM.

Bro You Basic

As a society and a generation, the past year has been dedicated to ridiculing the yoga-pant wearing, frappucino sucking, Marilyn Monroe quote posting Viking that IS the basic bitch. We chastise her for loving Yankee Candles and thinking red roses are tasteful. Being on the frontline of feminism (not) I decided it was my civil duty to shed light to an equally offensive group of millennials roaming the earth; the basic bro. GASP. Are you worried you are dating a basic bro? Here are some tried and true characteristics of the BB.

Flip-flops When I think of flip-flops, I think of guys in Quicksilver swim trunks holding a neon beach towel with a fucking dolphin on it and the whole visual makes me really upset. I understand that whilst poolside a mandal is convenient but if you’re a bro that’s consistently wearing flip-flops your mom bought you at Tilly’s you are basic and probably not getting laid.

Car Accessories If you are driving a fucking Mitsubishi with custom rims, racing stripes and a spoiler not only are you basic you are also everything that is wrong with society. I DON’T CARE IF YOU PIMPED YOUR YARIS OUT, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. I dare you to take one more picture of your Hyundai and post it on Instagram, seriously I fucking dare you.

Bottle Décor If you walk into a guys house and see an arrangement of 10+ empty bottles of alcohol displayed as home décor, first steal something from his medicine cabinet and then promptly leave. Let me be clear, having 2 empty bottles of Barefoot Pinot Grigio, 3 empty bottles of Andre and an empty handle of Svedka is not something to be proud of. What is the psychology behind this? Is it in attempt to let people know that you are DoWn To RagE hard aNy dAy ThAt ends iN y? Go fuck yourself.

Crossfit I’ll say it once, I’ll say it again. I don’t give a fuck and a half about crossfit. It’s really cool that you can do a 20 minute head stand and pull a car or whatever but like, I think it’s a misdirected use of discipline. If you are doing competitions and walking around with cinderblocks tied to your ankles but can’t afford HBO, it is time to reprioritize.

Gatorade The male equivalent of the Pumpkin Spice Latte. Duh.

Vegas Vegas is the holy land for basic bros and bitches alike, it’s basically Jerusalem. Bitches put on their polyblend bandage dresses, guys put on their Armani Exchange button downs and gross “dress shoes”, spritz themselves with Acqua di Gio and then think it’s cool to rent a white Hummer limo. Side note: Hummer limos are for Midwest proms and people who’s favorite food is Chicken Parmesan. The basic bro knows promoters, loves DJ’s and sweatily sips on a vodka redbull until he finds an equally basic counterpart to take back to his shared suite and then one day procreate with to make basic babies.

TOO MANY FEELINGS

Just when you think Asia couldn’t get anymore annoying, a hotel in Tokyo opens up specifically for women to cry in. If Sanrio goes out of business or the country bans designer fannypacks this hotel is going to be booked solid for a decade.

The Mitsui Garden Yotsuya Hotel is now charging emotionally unstable women for rooms fully stocked with hydrating eye masks, make-up remover, a plethora of sad movies (Nicholas Sparks for days) and even some lotion infused tissues. This makes me want to shank myself in the ovary.

I have always been a huge pioneer woman of the ‘No Crying in Public’ movement because I think crying is like pooping or drinking excessively, best done in the privacy of your own home or well kept public restroom. When I cry, my retinas really glaze and give me this amazing greenish hue, which can be worth the emotional turmoil but I prefer to keep things at bay. Feelings happen, I get it. Too many feelings, and you may end up in Tokyo… here are some warning signs you may need a hotel reservation for the Presidential suite.

You are moved by very regular and common happenings. The first snowflake of winter, a baby bird, the smell of a stranger’s newborn. I like to limit my sentiments to the three D’s: Death, Dumpings and Degrassi.

You hyperbolize (I learned this word during my one and only semester at college) fucking everything. For example, you get stung by a bee so you become hysterical, overdramatize pain, insist you are allergic, make 45 of your closest friends come over to assist with medical treatment, realize you’re fine, then apologize profusely and cry AGAIN because the bee lost its life and vow to volunteer at a beehive preservation fundraiser.

You are constantly apologizing. Bitches with too many feelings are always worried they are bothering people. Probably because they are. I will admit there is something adorably endearing about this. Maybe because I am an ice princess and need a little osmotic feeling? I am not a doctor. Also someone please tell me what “osmotic” means.

You are simultaneously obsessed and revolted by love. Imagine what your social media profiles look like to a distant stalker, visuals are the easiest way to decipher if your emotional pendulum is too active. Do you have sunset romance scenery immediately followed by an Alanis Morissette quote? Pictures of kittens followed by a bonfire burning all your exes clothing?

When you’re up, you’re UP and when you’re down, you’re down. And when you’re not sure, fly to fucking Tokyo and get out of town.

Missing in Action

You may be wondering where the fuck I have been for the past 12 days. Europe? I wish. Rehab? I also wish… it sounds so glamorous. The truth is I have been working on my semi new and equally fantastic podcast series. There is nothing I love more then the sound of my own voice except maybe the heart-warming pop of a champagne bottle.

If you haven’t been listening, you haven’t been living as your best self. Here is a sampling of some of my favorites thus far… enjoy bitches.

(I realize this makes me a shameless self-promoting mongrel but you can find all the episodes here: tinyurl.com/thebitchbiblepod new episodes every Tuesday #PLONK)