bible

Gilded Dildo’s by Gwyneth.

Some people find joy in the sound of a child’s laughter, the sight of a baby bird learning to fly or the smell of a freshly baked apple pie. I find all life’s satisfaction within the release of a Goop gift guide. Just when you think… “Hmmm… maybe GP is just like one of us?” She assures our tax bracket and us that indeed she is not.

The Goop newsletter is my main source of cardiovascular exercise. I sweat, I laugh, I ponder all life’s unanswered questions “are truffles mushrooms or chocolates?” and then I have a good cry and blow my nose into $5 dollar bills.

Much to my dismay, this week Goop delighted us with a Sex Toy Guide. So EdGy! After waiting in line at the supermarket, perusing tabloids and reading headline after headline with GP saying, “I am not a prude!” (only someone prude as a fucking Duggar sister would say that) I abandoned my shopping cart and beelined to my nearest computer.

I am super emotionally invested in these Goop gift guides because I live with the eternal hope that one day she is going to include a fucking Mossimo tunic from Target or an IKEA throw pillow. Not that I would purchase either but at least I am concerned with my relatability factor.

Gwyneth, you have truly outdone yourself. What a minx. Don’t let the macrobiotic diet, personal shaman and truffle oil fountain fool you. Kill me.

Amidst the various $400 nipple clamps, $540 leather whip and the bargain $20 anal beads, Gwyneth Paltrow (Heidi Fleiss) also recommends a $15,000 24-karat gold dildo… THERE she is!

Okay. Firstly, I need a list of all people who own this device and it’s manufacturers because they all need to go find a (tall) roof and jump off of it.

If someone is shoving $15,000 up his or her orifices it better cure cervical cancer or own a private plane. How do you keep the gilded dildo clean? Take it to a jeweler? Like next time you are at the mall, just pop into Zale’s and ask for a quick polish while you go wait at the food court eating Hot Dog on a Stick? Do you know how many corn dog popsicles you could buy for $15,000? AND they are the same shape. Connect the dots bitches… I am just sayin.

Gwynny, I admire your complete disregard for self awareness. Poor people are no fun and give shitty birthday gifts. Never change, stay goopy and hopefully the gold plated dildo doesn’t turn you labia green.

Love always,

Jackie Schimmel

Bachelorette Recap

Andi gets shit started on the hometown dates by heading to Milwaukee. Sick moves Nick. What the fuck is up with Nick and his obviously rented family members? This is like the poster family for contraceptive pills and condoms. That little buck-toothed, polka dotted, hair bobbed beezy with her list of questions. Never wanted to punch myself in the face more with that cheesy ass music and LYFE lessons with Andi #LAWLS. Oh Bella, John Robert powers called and wants their client back. Nick is sitting on the couch with his real mother dropping major waterworks get your shit together you worm. I’m just not that into you, your 57 siblings and your selection of outlet mall outerwear #cutescarfgirl

Next up Andi goes to meet Chris the fucking “farmer” in IOWA. “There is a difference between being excited to be here and living here” no shit. I had mentally blocked Chris out of my potential finalist roster because a) he’s a farmer and b) he’s from Iowa. Although I must say he totally won me over on his hometown with his house and rented plane. I mean it’s nothing to doodle in your diary over and tractors give me anxiety but whatever, I love a man with real estate. #sickvestbro AWWWW a picnic in the dead field! Am I having a quarter life crisis or am I actually starting to grow very fond of Mr. Red State “What would I do here?” Valid point Andi. Then they head over to Chris’s families house and I was pleasantly surprised. Who knew they could have such an affinity for statement jewelry? I literally became sexually excited by Chris’s sisters pearl/ swarovski combo. Chic bitch. Iowa here I come.

“Finally we are in my hometown of Tampa and I am so pumped. I can’t wait to show Andi off!” #douchebag. Is anyone else super anxious by Josh’s energy? He literally makes me lust for a sedative. Why have they spent 15 minutes talking about Josh’s little brother Aaron? Are they banging or something? Next level confused. He better be hott. Well.. that was wishful thinking. WHY THE FUCK IS THIS WHOLE HOMETOWN ABOUT FUCKING AARON AND HIS POTENTIAL FOOTBALL CAREER?! Are they hoping that some Coach is a closet Bachelorette fan? IF I HEAR AARONS NAME ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO RIP OUT ONE OF JOSH’S AWKWARDLY LARGE TEETH AND SHANK MYSELF WITH IT.

Andi meets Marcus in Dallas and takes her to some rapey nightclub. Sounds like a great romcom plot line. I used to think Marcus was so hot but after that vakakta Village People number I am left with serious uncertainty. They go to meet with Marcus’s dysfunctional family (what are there issues exactly, can someone clue a bitch in?) His niece gives them some janky party favor bracelets and Marcus cries outside to his brother. I can’t deal with this shit. Sometimes this show gets so fucking dramatic I feel like it is going to prompt an early menstrual cycle.

Wait… why are they hanging out at Chris Harrison’s home? God I hope that’s a rental. Clearly ABC isn’t paying him enough for this. Then Chris tells them all about the death of former contestant. I mean… this seemed incredibly unnecessary and exploitive AND made me cry. Not what I anticipated during my 4 hours of guilty pleasure Monday evening television.

Now I am totally depressed and totally in need of a refill. Marcus gets the boot which makes me even more upset that she didn’t let that fratty douche Josh leave so he can go back to Tampa and make out with his brother Aaron.

 

 

Team Hova

Everyone and their less attractive sister have been losing their SHIT over this Jay Z/ Solange elevator brawl. The good news is that this is Solanges biggest hit in years… Or ever. Who is Solange again? So now she is front page news for going apeshit and attacking Jay when we should be focusing on the real crime here…that jagged bowl cut Tina Knowles gave her. Although I am forever in awe of Yonce, her glowing complexion, impeccable weave and Swarovski encrusted leotards, I am not thrilled with the way she is handling this.  I get this isn’t her “beef” but she is the nucleus of this situation so I am going to need her cooperation.

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Why the fuck is she smiling? Super fun night out with my hubby and mentally stable sis! #LAWLS. She just sat in the elevator calm as fuck while her psyche ward escapee sister attacked her husband. Side note: I am so over celebrities professing to be “really private and introverted” – bitch please. Hey Bey, why don’t you call up Sasha Fierce and let her handle this one. Everyone rips me a new asshole when I have expressed this and I get she is being demure, reserved and classy but seriously? Don’t pull that ish with me Bey, I am sure you are “super shy”. That’s why you can perform in front of 20 million people with your labia hanging out. Own your shit and please folks be grown ups and release a statement.

First Solange deleted every photo of her and Beyoncé off of her Instagram and Twitter feed like a 4th grade bitch. First of all, if Beyoncé was MY sister I would never post photos of myself next to her. Obviously… THEN Beyoncé takes the “high road” like more mature 11th grade bitch and posts 300 cryptic Instagram pics with her and Solange being all lovey dovey #thewaywewere. When my sister and I get in arguments we yell at each other at the top of our lungs, take a few low blows, verbally attack each other, slam some doors then go get frozen yogurt… like fucking adults. In reality, them NOT addressing the situation and utilizing social media for people to draw their own conspiracy theories is far more dramatic than the alternative. 

Xanax prescriptions everywhere are being refilled like wildfire over this. How the fuck are we supposed to function properly with so many unanswered questions. Perhaps this all a pharmaceutical sales ploy. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? Could a bitch get some audio? Can’t the government pixelize the footage and hire a CIA trained mouth reader to see what the conversation is? Priorities people. We have all heard the 645 possible stories why Solange attacked. Maybe Hova is cheating, Solange got too “turnt up” (we as a society really need to stop using this phrase) or she was just super pissed that she was dressed as a goldfish all night. I call BULL on all of this. I am convinced that Solange has been dealing with deep-rooted anger management problems since she was never EVER made a member of the ever interchanging Destiny’s Child. They went through like 16 different fourth members. That has got to burn. Maybe “Bug-a-boo” was written about Solange after she begged and pleaded Daddy Knowles to let her in the band? Like not even for one week during the interim of Michelle Williams jumping on board? Like not even as an extra for the “Say My Name” music video?

The only conclusion I have drawn from this little scuffle is that I am totally Team Hova. Not only was HE the victim here, HE is also the only one not being a little passive aggressive biatch all over the internet. There is some serious vakakta feminism shit spread all over this situation but I am not nearly smart or articulate enough to comment on it. Jay, I am super down to be your vanilla boo. And if my goldfish ratchet bowl cut sister ever attacked you, I wouldn’t be chilling in my Givenchy gown spectating like a pussy. I am sure I am going to get colossally stung by the Bey Hive … but long hair don’t care. Bitches be cray, I love you Jay. #mrscarter 

 

Bossy and Proud

I try not to keep up with current events. Politics stress me out and I want to prolong Botox as long as possible. However, once in a while I like to peruse the internet to stay on pulse. After being about 3 months late on the whole Benghazi shtick I knew it was time to take a very minimal interest in the world and its happenings. Yesterday I was on Huffington Post and saw an article titled “Ban Bossy”. I IMMEDIATELY clicked on it thinking someone was looking to shit on Kelis’s completely underrated song. Sure “Bossy” wasn’t as much of an instant hit as “Milkshake” but the beat is still sticky and it also didn’t have the Mean Girls platform behind it. Why would anybody ban such a dance song sensation? Much to my dismay, the article had nothing to do with Kelis or her duo of one hit wonders.

Much to my dismay, the article had nothing to do with my girl or her milkshakes bringin the boys to the yard. Lean In Organization and The Girl Scouts (oy)  have partnered up for the “Ban Bossy” movement. It’s not that I disagree with their intentions. The goal is to empower women and encourage them to lead which is lovely. Who could disagree with that? What I don’t understand is the connection between leadership and banning the word bossy? Let’s start with the definition…

             boss·y (adjective informal)

1. fond of giving people orders; domineering

I have been called bossy my entire life and have always taken it as a compliment. I am one bossy ass bitch and proud of it. Of all the derogatory words used towards women bossy seems like a weak offender. Similarly, the term bitch is often made to be a disparaging word. I have never felt that way, I use the term bitch mostly as a term of endearment. Don’t you think it is easier to change our reaction to a word than to change words that OTHER people use? Pardon my jargon but banning words from peoples vocabulary seems pretty… bossy.

Another thing, doesn’t banning “bossy” conflict with the overall message of female empowerment that is the foundation of this campaign? If woman are going become CEO’s and run the country isn’t it almost more degrading to infer we aren’t able to take a label like BOSSY? Big fucking deal. In the bigger scope of life if the worst thing I am ever called is bossy, I will be doing cartwheels of joy. Have you ever seen a campaign to ban the term “douche bag”? If we want to be equals in a “man’s world” – which for the record I don’t even believe in- why are we making ourselves look so fragile and easily offended?  Women clearly rule the world. Look I know the facts, there has never been a female president, women aren’t paid as much, women couldn’t vote until 1919- I get it. Women lose copius amounts of blood each month (sorry but it’s true), can grow human beings inside our bodies and are blessed with God-given distraction weapons …BOOBS. We are  fucking super heroes. Does this mean Tina Fey is going to have to change the name of her book to “Leader Pants”? I mean what the fuck. Ladies let’s keep moving forward and avoid any setbacks. I urge you not to ban the word bossy and stop giving light to a campaign that only creates more of a divide with a weak message.

Bitches, stay bossy. #diamondsonmyneck #diamondsonmygrill

Bitch Bible Book Report: “The Secret”

I read the book “The Secret” freshman year of college because everybody was talking about it. I can’t recall finding any significance in it, but totally pretended to love it because everyone else was losing their shit over it. I tried living my life through the principles of that dumb book and after spending an afternoon at the beach reading it, came home and found a fucking BAT in my dorm room. I’m not joking. I literally didn’t even know bats were a real thing outside of Frankenstein and Dracula movies. I blamed the incident solely on “The Secret” and distanced myself from the teachings immediately. Thank fucking God. We all saw “Pretty Wild” (and “The Bling Ring”) and how well that all worked out for those girls who were home-schooled lessons from “The Secret” and adopted those teachings as their religion… Did they envision heroin addiction and jail time?  Just sayin. Recently, I was trying to make myself seem slightly more intellectual by adding some books/bookshelves to my apartment. As I dusted off my (limited) collection of books, I came across “The Secret”.  I had forgotten all the hoopla surrounding it and decided to skim through. Cut to- me reading it cover to cover. I mean, a book? Yes. A religion? No. You would have to be one chromosome away or extremely mentally perturbed to agree with 100% of these devoid and self-serving ideals. There are parts I totally get, and some that get way too culty for my liking (The Secret > Scientology). Let’s do a quick book review shall we?

        Some principles of “The Secret” I am TOTALLY on board with is the free (and delusional) perception of expenses. I like to adapt the same delusion when I am shopping so it’s nice to find comfort in the following mantra’s plucked straight from the book.

“Do whatever it takes to feel good. The emotions of joy and happiness are powerful money magnets. Be happy now!” You got it! Get this bitch a block of cheese, a bottle of Vueve and a Bravo marathon. That should do the trick.

 “Visualize and imagine yourself spending all the money you want, as though you have it already.” Done and done.

“Know that you are perfect right now.” I mean… If you say so. I’ll take a compliment anyway I can get it.

“Speak, act, and think from the mindset of being wealthy now. Eliminate thoughts and words of lack such as ‘I can’t afford it’, ‘It is too expensive’.” Now this is some shit I can get my head around. Anything that validates irresponsible purchases is A-OK by me!

“Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore and know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.” I can get on board with this. Do you, girl. (ehem: Me, Myself and I)

       Some principles of “The Secret” I am TOTALLY not on board with is robbing celebrity homes. Oh, AND the following plucked directly from “The Secret” enjoy…

“Do not speak of your illness or disease with others ever.” What if you contract an STD? Can you not see a physician? Think about herpes…this seems unreasonable.

“Know you have the power within you to heal yourself.” Again, herpes comes to mind. Mentally, I could say this principle is true. But herpes, that shit doesn’t heal. For the record, I do not have herpes it’s just incredibly relevant in this particular post. #sorrygrandma

“Know that there is no such thing as incurable.” One word: Herpes.

“Never criticize or blame yourself or anyone else for anything!” This just makes me angry. Its called accountability! If you kill an innocent child/person you should criticize, blame AND hate yourself because you are a terrible person. This ideal was obviously made to attract criminals. Gross.

“Resist nothing, love everything!” This is probably what got those Pretty Wild girls. Resist nothing? What about rape? Hard drugs? Money laundering? Theft? NOTHING??? I’m sorry but that is some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard. No, just no.

I would like to say to the Editors of “The Secret” cool it with the fucking exclamation points. It feels like you are yelling at me and it is creeping me out. Send any good Book Report suggestions to jackie@thebitchbible.com xx