Bachelor Recap: Hoe-metowns

Holy fuckballs, its already hometown dates. This both excites me and depresses me. What the hell am I supposed to do on Monday nights once this is over? How will I go on? Do I need a Lexapro prescription? It’s all too emotionally strenuous.

The first hometown is with Amanda in Laguna Beach. I kept fantasizing that Stephen Coletti is secretly her baby daddy and Hilary Duff was going to do an impromptu performance of “Come Clean”. If you don’t get that reference leave this site and never return. They start the date with a playdate on the beach so Ben can meet Ombre’s kids. Full disclosure; I cried like a newborn when she reunited with her spawn. Listen, Amanda’s kids are cute. I was impressed by their gladiator sandals but had to knock them down a few pegs for the pigtails… it’s a bit Sundays at Church basic for me. And when I say they are cute I mean that half-heartedly. Calm down. Not all kids are cute and it’s detrimental to society to imply differently. But despite all of that, I can’t imagine their connection is strong enough for Ben to be an Insta-dad. Finally, they slip the kids some Benadryll PM and Ben assures Manders that her family was “awesome” kk bye.

Next, Ben heads to Portland Oregon to see Lauren B. I like her and think she is an obvious frontrunner but I need her to chill with the flannel and invest in a professional blowdry. They food truck hop and then head to a whiskey museum. My kind of a date! Not having kids is so refreshing. Is Lauren B always cold or drinking too many sulfites? Her nose is always so red and it concerns me. Lauren’s hott sister is clearly skeptical about Ben and Lo’s relationship so in attempts to get more screen time (which I’m assuming gave her a gallery of triple digit like-worthy #TBT instaposts) pulls Ben aside to get the dirt. In the reality TV moment of my dreams, I was praying Lauren’s sister had one too many glasses of Sangria and tried to make a move on Ben. But instead I was jolted back to planet earth as Ben started fucking crying whilst explaining his feelings for Lauren. Just stab me in the ovary. Or give me Ben’s “hope” bracelet and let me hang myself from a Bachelor mansion balcony. Ugh.

Jojo. The bitch that seems too mentally stable to be on the Bachelor. UNTIL she approaches her Dallas condo and finds a dozen red roses (gag). She assumes they are from Ben but once she starts reading the accompanying 86-page letter attached realizes they are from her ex boyfriend. To be honest, I immediately assumed this was a Cher Horowitz moment from Clueless like when she would send herself flowers and chocolates to make gay-boy Christian jealous. Totally something I would bust out on a hometown. Fucking Chad. I could go into details about Jojo’s thirst trap brothers and shit like that but let me cut to the chase. The moment where Jo’s mother swigged that wine straight from the bottle was the realest moment in television history. Especially since at dinner they were sipping from Baccarat. Ben was like Vivian from Pretty Woman navigating their extensive silverware. Jojo’s family is single handedly keeping potpourri and faux floral enterprises afloat. The takeaway is that Jojo’s mom should be cast on Bachelor in Paradise.

Finally, Ben heads somewhere to meet Caila’s fambam. Guys… “My dad is the CEO of a toy company” was so Gretchen Weiners I can’t even. So they awkwardly build a playskool dream house and I’m bored as fuck. I really liked Caila’s family. I desperately wish her mother would’ve opted for effing Invisalign but I digress. Caila assures her family that Ben is the one and wants to tell him she is in love with him. Either the Filipino food that was served kick started some impulsive bowel movements so she needed to find a toilet ASAP OR she totally pussed out because bitch said nothing. Fuck she has great hair though…

Amanda gets sent home (saw that one coming) and I will miss her demure Cinderella nature and severely aggressive ombre hair. Fuck I miss Lace. Until next week bitches!

The Bachelor Recap

Not to seem vapid and lacking any real or impactful hobbies and dreams, but reality television has a very special place in my heart. I know some of you reading this (but like, why the fuck are you reading this?) are rolling your eyes and turning your noses at the previous statement. Reality television is just garbage, unintellectual and for stupid brainless millenials to you. Go fuck a composter or your vegan leather journal made by Indonesian orphans you pretentious hipster fuckhead. Reality television is escapism and keeps my seratonin levels sky highs sans medication.

Reality television is ruining society, it’s people who were never taught the gift of judgement and can’t differentiate between observing others mistakes via television for entertainment value instead of making the mistakes on your own. Who’s intellectual now? The Bachelor for me is not only a sad 2 hour marathon of updos and sad pageant wear gone wrong, but also a real behind the curtain look at female sociology.

Here we have 208 women in a balls deep COMPETITION for a husband. The whole thing is a real mind fuck when you break it down. So you are supposed to be “authentic” while living in a mansion that’s not yours, wearing a gown selected by a wardrobe stylist, going on dates you cannot afford and have zero say in your impending marital bliss. It’s un-fucking-believable.

I can’t decide whether I have more respect for the girls who are actually there solely to find love (semi pathetic) or the one’s who are there solely to make it far enough where they can land a correspondent job on Access Hollywood and try and fuck Chris Harrison. Probably the latter.

The best part of the show are the awkward limo entrances, the bullshit job titles (fucking CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST? I love kabob but can’t put that shit on Linkedin..) and the crying confessionals. Lace is an American hero. She looks like Fiona (Parker Posey) in Josie & The Pussycats after she just poured a warm buttery chardonnay in every orifice of her body and I like it. I also really enjoyed the solemn firecrotch castaway… I hope she gets an SPF 115 endorsement deal. I also like that Rachel kept it 100 and declared herself “unemployed”. I tend to root for the girls who drink the most or are the prettiest. I am not saying that’s right, but it’s the fucking truth.

Now for the ladies I want to drown in the mansion infinity pool. Mandi (with an i) and that fucking rose on her head, needs to get punched in the vagina. When she offered Ben the opportunity to “pollenate” her I considered transitioning genders. Haley & Emily aka Dumb & Fucking Dumber are actually the worst. They are from Las Vegas (shocker) and come as some type of sister wive package deal. Their job title is “Twins”. When they said “how can you beat this?” I jotted down some ways…

  1. Have a brain.
  2. Be someone not trying to fuck the same dude as your sister.
  3. Don’t wear jewelry from fucking Icing.
  4. Or dresses from JC Penney Prom section.
  5. Have a brain?

Stock your fridge with champagne because it’s Bachelor season, the REAL happiest time of the year.

 

 

Bachelorette Recap

If you are emotionally invested in The Bachelorette you must listen to this weeks podcast. I must warn you this is NOT for the easily offended, listen and share with your bitches if you also think Nick’s sweatervest collection is super rapey and Shaun ONLY looks like Ryan Gosling if he had a touch of the downs and only shopped the clearance aisle at Urban Outfitters… Sorry!

WHAT THE FUCK KAITLYN?

Don’t worry there are NO SPOILERS IN THIS POST because I am not a heartless monster. This is really hard for me to write considering I am too afraid to utilize Google and get the full story. I am in a fragile emotional state and haven’t been this veklempt since Jake Pavelka’s proposal to Vienna.

Anyone who knows me, knows that my main reason for waking up each day and striving for lavish mediocrity is solely for the right to watch subpar reality television. In particular, any Bravo franchise and The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I have been faithful and loyal to these programs since I was practically a fetus. I don’t watch the news, keep up with any international affairs, keep oblivious views politically and still am entirely unsure if Hawaii is apart of the United States. That shit is too real, give me vapid programming, my soul NEEDS it.

It came to my attention today that Kaitlyn accidentally snapchatted a picture of her with the alleged winner of The Bachelorette. This is basically the equivalent of shooting my entire family and then robbing me of their life insurance policies so I would be forced to prostitute myself to pay for funeral arrangements. Has she NO consideration for the extreme emotional involvement I have for her journey to find love? Has she NO appreciation for my weekly evaluations of which guys like it up the ass and which ones are simply there for free booze and to live somewhere other then their mother’s house? Has she NO brain capacity to understand the life threatening consequences for her actions?

If I was ever on the precipice of a Lexapro prescription, this would push me over the edge. In fact, I am currently writing this out on my balcony and if I saw a red rose on a silver tray or heard Chris Harrison’s voice I may jump to end my own death.

Besides all of THIS, I know have to spend the next 2 months executing top notch self control to preserve my innocence and NOT FIGURE OUT WHO FUCKING WINS. I would also like to use this post as a for warning that if you even ALLUDE to the mystery man in this snapchat photo I will call Kupa and send him over to your house to beat the shit out of you.

Kaitlyn, I will never forgive you for this. Or your weird elbow tattoos. Or keeping JJ around. Or your rapping skills.

Sincerely,

Jackie

Bachelorette Recap

So after everyone acknowledges JJ and Clint are back door lovers, Kaitlyn pulls Clint aside and gives his vest-wearing ass the boot. I will say it once, I will say it again – never trust a bitch in a vest. Unless they are making your dirty martinis or are a fucking vampire in hiding. It always amuses me how emotional the Bachelorettes get after like 1.3 days of knowing the guys. Boohoo. When Clint gets cut, JJ goes flaccid and then demands an apology from Clint. What a butt chinned biatch. On the real, their sexual tension is OFF THE CHARTS. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey got NOTHING on that chemistry. WHY THE FUCK IS JJ CRYING AND WHY DO I WANT TO KICK HIM IN THE THROAT SO BADLY?

The gang heads to New York to find love in the big apple. How adorable. Doug E. Fresh joins the group date and all the white midwestern guys pretend to be huge fans. Super cultural! The rap battle is the most depressing and Arian shit of all time, but lingering in the crowds is virgin Ashley (who looks hott) and creeper Nick. Conveniently, he decides to rear his Jew curl frizzed head once filming starts so he can further delay being a real man with a real career. THIRSTY.

Jared scores the one on one date and he is #STOKED. I am still judging him for wearing bright yellow converse and homeboy needs a Crest white strip in a jiffy but he’s cute in a gerbil-esque way.

ABC busts out a really ominous strange montage of dramatic NYC scenery while we hear a phone call between Kaitlyn and Nick and she still can’t make up her fucking mind. Then Kaitlyn does what any other gal dating 65 guys on national television would do, invites her side bitch to meet only after getting her weave worked by that psychopath Ashley. I am over all these cameos. If the network is looking to spice up the show cant they just hire a transgender Bachelorette? Or shoot the season from a psych ward?

Nick, hot tip: when deciding your romantic fate, don’t dress up like Mr. Rogers in a rapey maroon cardigan. Lucky for him, Kaitlyn lets him and his offensive outerwear stay and join the other guys at the hotel.

Jared is really living up to his Restaurant Manager job title in that tux. Back at the hotel, the rest of the guys bitch about the situation and all I can focus on is Ian’s hair growth situation… Jared busts out a poem Shel Silverstein would shoot himself in the asshole for. Then they get in a helicopter and blah blah blah.

For the group date, Kaitlyn makes the guys audition for a Broadway play and we all learn the dentist is a homosexual, hence the light washed denim. Chris wins the one on one date and I learn in this episode that this Cupcake boy bugs the fuck out of me. They climb up to the New Years Eve ball and he squeals with glee over seeing a big shiny ball in the flesh. Chris loves Broadway and balls. Think about it. Broadway. Balls.

Nick moves in and the rest is to be continued…

The Bachelorette Recap

Just when you thought I couldn’t get any shallower, The Bachelorette is back. I live for all things Bachelor Nation and I will admit I am particularly excited for this season with Kaitlyn because I think she is kinda slutty which I mean as a total compliment. Get it girl.

Last night, things kicked off with the first group date and a disssapointing in depth look at my favorite aspect of the show: the bogus job titles. I love how ABC thinks they are progressive by choosing a Bachelorette with a tattoo who occasionally says fuck. If that was a prerequisite, I could have been the Bachelorette in 4th grade… I was pretty promiscuous back then.

The guys seem super pumped about moving into the “mansion” as they call dibs on their fucking bunk beds. This is concerning because if you are that excited about sleeping in a room with 4 other assholes, you obviously still live with your parents OR are homeless (Hi JJ).

I love that they threw Britt a bone (literally) and let her cry on television for another 12 minutes before she goes back to her waitress job in North Hollywood. I actually like Britt but we need to go shopping and learn the importance of a nude lip. Call me.

So it’s the first group date and the guy’s head to a rapey warehouse to beat the shit out of each other. “Boxing is a lot like relationships” OKAY CHRIS BROWN! Last time I checked, love isn’t similar to dodging punches but whatever.

Ben Z is hunky, Justin has a kid named “AURELIUS” so he’s out, the other blonde looks like he’s on the front page of Megan’s Law, Daniel is a “fashion designer” so there’s that and legally Kupa has to stay around for another few weeks to fill the racial quota. Jared decides to crash the group date fresh from the hospital in bright yellow shorts which hopefully was a choice influenced by a concussion from boxing.

The first one on one date is with Clint, who I like because he has a real job. The beginning of their date is an underwater photo shoot, which freaks me out. Nothing says everlasting love like forced intimacy for a picture and simultaneously almost drowning. Cute!

Back at the house, Tony and his middle parted hair start preaching his idea of love and this bastard needs to go home and bang one of his bonsai plants. Where did they even find this guy? “Love is as perennial as the grass” SHUT THE FUCK UP TONY.

Amy Schumer joins Kaitlyn on the group date and tries to teach the guys how to have a sense of humor, which is a failed mission. JJ is a straight up, butt-chinned asshole. He is a “former investment banker” which is code for unemployed, I know I know I know you think I am a monster because he got teary eyed talking about his daughter. I don’t buy it, she’s three she is hardly a real human yet and I haven’t seen you facetime her once. JJ is the new Juan Pablo and ES NOT OKAY.

Kupa is basically interrogating Kaitlyn making sure he is not only there because he is black… then when he realizes she legitimately liked him he starts back pedaling and ends it with a fist bump. BYE FELICIA. Kupa and his soul patch need to pack up and get the fuck out.

TO BE CONTINUED…

7c8e27df51a927a1cf-1

Also new podcast up today with Heather McDonald where we further discuss The Bachelorette and much more here: tinyurl.com/thebitchbiblepod

“The Bachelorette” Recap

I am going to make this short and sweet because I am still nauseous from that 3 hour gag fest of Dominican Republic areal shots, disappointing outfits and insincere PDA. I love Andi (#stop) but that shit not only prompted an early menstrual cycle but also made me want to die by way of choking myself with one of Nick’s infinity scarves. But seriously, if I have to see one more red rose, glittering gown or beige toothed bachelors I am going to shank myself. Thank God it’s over (I prefer The Bachelor anyways – the girls always get sluttier). Here is a quick rundown from last night.

  • White converse need to be banned from this fucking show.
  • So do maxi dresses and side braids – I get your appealing to the masses but give me a break. 2010 called and wants their wardrobe department back.
  • Andy’s dad is so cute I want to bake him in marinara sauce.
  • Drinking game: sip every time Nick says “like” and get ready to have your stomach pumped.
  • Josh should be happy he won considering the filler flower bouquet he gifted Andi’s mother.
  • It totally seemed like Andi was telling Nick he was the one… LAWLZ.
  • The sand Nick stole from their date is technically contraband and to think of him globetrotting with a small bag of sand is the gayest thing of all time.
  • If they took out all the embarrassing shots of them looking solemnly out into the Dominican sea, the show would really only be 12 minutes long.
  • How much did ABC have to invest for that perfectly coordinated breakup rainstorm?
  • Josh’s energy gives me anxiety and instantly makes me lust for a Xanax.
  • Andi’s rose ceremony dress hurts my feelings.
  • Something about this love fest feels wildly insincere and actually aggressive. “No I love you more!” “FOREVER!”
  • Andi needs to file a restraining order against Nick – ASAP. I smell a bunny boiling…

tumblr_n68pyrVEvL1r9a32bo1_400

I really hope Andi and Josh have a long blissful life together filled with menage trois filled Sundays with his brother Aaron, awkward frowning faces and weird headbutt kissing. Kill me.

The Final Rose – Bachelor Recap

So alas, it is finale week in St Lucia. Juan Pablo emerges from the lush landscape and solemnly walks on the beach pondering his big upcoming decision. For a moment I feel guilty as I may have been too harsh on Juan Pablo this season. Then he says “the ocean is so blue” and im jolted back to reality. Fucking idiot. No it’s purple like your gay shirt. Nice try Tinkie Winkie we still all know you’re a homophobe. Go back to Venezuela. So Juany-Poo gets ready to meet Clare and introduce her to his family. “I like Clare a lot” well that’s promising… #wifey. Clare clad in a 2006 magenta sun dress with a painfully unnecessary waste belt meets JP and his loyal brood. “You can tell how much they love eachother” …. I mean. Just fucking shoot me. Clearly his “cousin” Rodolfo was a local pool boy ABC hired to make Juan seem like he has at least one family member that likes him. Did anyone else think it was super creepy that Clare and Papa Pablo were holding hands and gazing into each others eyes. The first “I love you” within the Pablo bloodline should probably come from your mentally challenged boyfriend not his erect father. Hopefully these two didn’t have a 4am penetration in the St Lucia waters. Keep it in your pants JP senior. This ain’t Venezuela.

Next up Nikki and her boxed bleach job get to meet the fam bam. She has the slight advantage having already met most of his family in Miami at Camilla’s dance recital. Being ever so self aware, Nikki goes on about her worldly travels and Camilla just lays there like oh really bitch? That’s chic. I’ve been stuck in fucking Miami developing my future intimacy issues thanks to my absentee father. Glad you’re having such a great time jet setting you frizzy haired whore. Besitos!  Juan’s horny father makes his second play (less aggressively) with Nikki by shitting on his sons temper. Then Mama Pablo basically tells Nikki her son is super boring. Nikki blinks and is not picking up on any of the red flags his parents are basically throwing at her face. Wait a second…Rodolfo suddenly has braces? Does ABC have dental benefits? You go Ro-ro.

For their final date Clare and Juan go on a helicopter ride and I can only hope and pray a native bird flies into the propeller. As they land the cameras and audio are off and Juan says “I love f*cking you” allegedly. Yes even I had to use an asterisk on that one… EW. Clare is pissed and confused. Hell has officially frozen over. Now I’m actually liking Claire in comparison to how much hatred I am having towards Juan Pablo. I want to shank him. He comes to her hotel room where she denies him the besitos and I start to have a small change of heart. Okay Clare, here is your moment. Redeem yourself from a season of bad Bebe cocktail dresses and annoying optimism – rip that Venezuelan douchebag a new one. And then… I hate her again. As she tries and explain how she was offended and Juan just tells her “Es okay”. Clare moronically forgives him and is back to deciding which boarding school they should send Camilla too and ordering their monogrammed towels. Fuck my life.

Nikki and JP go on a catamaran and Juan avoids having any intellectual conversation like a fucking champ. They make out and frolic in the water like tweedle dee and tweedle dumbfuck. After their boating excursion Juan goes to Nikki’s hotel room for their last night before the final rose. These bitches and their maxi dresses – I CANT. I literally could have a more intellectual conversation with a flagpole. Um aren’t you supposed to possibly be getting engaged tomorrow? Perhaps that inclines you to have an ACTUAL dialogue. And why the fuck would she give him a gift? Girl, go home.

The ladies get glam for their final rose ceremony and clearly borrowed gowns from Real Housewive of Beverly Hills Joyce. Clare is wearing a right off the runway Wet Seal prom dress and Nikki is rocking a Fredericks of Hollywood gown complete with a slit that showcases her labia. Their hair is teased, make-up is caked and chandelier earrings donated by Icing are on. We all know that the first off the boat is the loser. Clare and her veneers go get dumped by Juan Pablo and she leaves us with the best quote of the season “I would never want my children having a father like you!” BOOM BITCH. I still hate her but I am glad she didn’t pull a Lauren Conrad with black tears streaming down her face. She really rose to the occasion and was able to articulate herself without any tears and give that fucker some shade. Then Nikki and her exposed vagina bust on the scene and Juan explains he is not ready to propose but can’t let her go. He also doesn’t say I love you and “es okay” with Nikki. So like what – are they dating? Is this supposed to be romantic? EW. Maybe it was a good move not to propose – he is going to need to Pawn that Neil Lane ring to pay for the years of therapy Camilla has coming her way #daddydrama. Juan Pablo, not only are you one chromosome away from being classified short bus you are also the WORST and most hated bachelor of all time. Es not okay – adios fuckhead.

I will also be starting a Kickstarter as my first philanthropy project to raise funds for Camilla’s therapy bills #humanitarian

Monday Night TV Recap

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Joyce (Jacqueline) really can annoy the fuck out of me “ay dios mio!” but I think she is genuinely a nice person, not that it particularly matters to me. Kim’s Spanish is perfection. Yolanda has a seriously hot body.  Kyle is probably shitting herself at the chance to wear one of her 56,000 caftans in the appropriate situation. Lisa is petrified to be sharing a bathroom with her husband and claims her hotel lavatory is the same size as Giggy’s bathroom.   Brandi needs to grow the fuck up and stop acting like an 8 year old bitch. So Lisa isn’t calling you every morning? Boo fucking hoo. If it walks like a victim, talks like a victim and cries like a victim… It’s a fucking victim. Bottom Line – Get OVER yourselves.

The Bachelor Part One

I am just going to come out and say it … Juan Pablo sucks ass. What he lacks in basic English he definitely makes up for in Latin douche – ness. He blames his apparent lack of intelligence to the premise that “English is his second language” he was born in fucking New York. He did grow up in Venezuela but he has been here for enough time to not sound like such a dumb fuck in Spanglish. This has nothing to do with a language barrier, he is basically one chromosome away from being mentally challenged. Also let it be forever noted any man that prefers to be addressed by two names is a next level red flag. Bitch puh-lease.

So it’s home date time. Yay (that was sarcastic). First Juan heads to Kansas City to meet Nikki and her family. She takes him to a seriously rapey looking BBQ joint and he nearly gets a boner after trying his first rib under fluorescent lighting. Romantic! They awkwardly ride the bull together and when Nikki’s father asks if she could see him as her husband she responds , “He makes me feel really comfortable. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s just awesome. Like magical I feel really really good about it” Somebody call Vera Wang – this bitch is totally ready to get hitched! Are you fucking kidding me? This sounds like the same response I would give when someone asked me how I feel about my gynecologist or manicurist. Not my potential husband.

Next Juan Pablo heads to Atlanta to meet Andi. If Andi isn’t a total shoe-in for the next Bachelorette I am going to go to ABC headquarters and fuck shit up. I would like to think their date at the shooting range was amazing foreshadowing. It was refreshing to meet a family that wasn’t blindly supportive of this short bus escapee who could end up being their son in law. Andi’s dad grilled Juan Pablo and basically told him as of now he would not grant him permission to ask for Andi’s hand in marriage. Anytime her father would ask a tough question Juan did what he does best and bring up fucking Camila. Stop whoring your fatherhood to avoid intellectual conversation. You are on a reality show shtuping multiple women, not battling on the front lines of Afghanistan. Stop trying to portray yourself as some single parent hero. You fucking retard. Sorry – a little harsh but it felt good to get that off my chest. The only reason Andi’s mom approves is because she clearly would be down to bang him.

Speaking of single parenthood, the next hometown date took JP to Sarasota to meet Renee and her rose-insurance aka her son Ben. Not going to lie, I cried a little when Renee reunited with Ben. Maybe I was just crying because Juan Pablo was still wearing what appeared to be a Livestrong bracelet but I digress. What a sweet little boy, Renee is really genuine with a huge side dish of delusion. They watch him play baseball and it’s super pathetic to watch because anyone with 3 brain cells know she is not making it to the final 3.

Last but not least we head to Sacramento to visit Clare-bear and her DVD. They meet in a rose garden because it is super sentimental to her. She explains that every day she would get home from school, do her homework, then her dad would take her to get ice cream and go to that very park and feed the ducks. Not to sound like a black hearted bitch but I am going to call bullshit on that one. Clearly the only one’s eating ice cream daily are Clare’s sasquatch sisters. And also by the time she got home, did homework and got ice cream it would be dark. And you can’t feed ducks in the fucking dark Clare. DURRR. Clare takes Juan to meet her mother and sisters. Clearly Clare’s mom had hoe’s in different area codes because none of her children look mildly related. There is some BS drama with her sister and we all know it doesn’t matter cause Renee is going home.

If I have to hear “Will you assept dis rose?” one more time I am going to shank myself. Someone get this ding ding a dialect coach.

UGH. My head and fingers hurt, Part Duex will be published tonight…

The Bachelor Recap

OY VEY. What an emotional roller coaster. First Clare (I am convinced she dropped the i in “Claire” as part of her Bachelor stage name) and her DVD get the first one on one date. Too soon on the DVD joke? I seriously hope she made copies of that. What if it is just like an old Law & Order episode or something? Guess we will never know. I like Clare (and her DVD) although I feel some foreshadowing that she could end up being a real stage 7 clinger. She has nice hair and her veneers look surprisingly understated.  So Juan blind folds Clare-Bear (kinky) and whisks her away in his clearly temporary Maserati and takes her to their own winter wonderland in Malibu. In my fantasy spin off Bachelor show they would hire past cast offs to do the manual labor setting up all these over the top dates. Like could you just imagine Tierra from Sean’s season shoveling the fucking snow and Emily Maynard stringing the Christmas lights ugh, HEAVEN. They lace up their skates and hit the ice and let me tell you, nothing bonds a hetero couple like ice skating. Clare… what natural talent. Watch out, Kristi Yamaguchi you have some serious competition. The good news for Clare is that if this whole televised quest for love thing doesn’t work out she could be a total front runner for the Special Olympics ice skating competition. After Clare showcases her athleticism they decide to get in the hot tub and Clare proceeds to tell Juan Pablo how she lost her father and basically no man will ever live up to him and it clearly puts Juan in the mood because they start to eat each others faces. Calm your lady boner’s girl it gets better. THEN, they take it from the hot tub to the ice for a private performance by Josh Krajcik AND THEN IT FUCKING SNOWS. Of course it does.

The next one on one date is with Kat. And by date I mean my version of hell. Kat seems cute and sweet with a serious side of delusion. When she was talking about how she could see her life with him jetting off on private planes for spontaneous adventures I almost choked on my falafel balls. Sweetie, I don’t want to be the bear of bad news but if you end up being Mrs.Pablo nothing about you will be gallivanting around the world on a private jet. In fact you will be lucky if you get your own private car to an airport… it’s called a shuttle bus kitty Kat and it’s god awful. What does he do again? You know for like…work? Unfortunately being a single father doesn’t pay the bills or buy the pills. Let’s keep it real. So after the surrealness seeps in for Kitty Kat that she is on a real life private jet, Juan heads to the cock pit to put on his light up track suit and assumedly take a quick hit of acid to prep for his rave work out date. Juan gives Kitty some super chic neon workout clothes and she is PUMPED. She sees a cluster fuck of lights and runners outside the jet window and Juan tells her they are in Salt Lake City for the Electric Run. Oh hellllll no. Now this Latino has gone too far. Neon Spandex? Fine. MAKING ME EXCERSISE ON A FIRST DATE? Pretty terrible but it’s for charity so I can’t be a C-U-Next-Tuesday and say I wouldn’t do it (although I’d rather just make a donation). But chartering a jet and taking me to Mormon Mecca aka Salt Lake City? Deal breaker. No cussing, no alcohol, no caffeine = No Jackie. Lo siento Juan. Apparently, Kitty Kat is totally cool with it and is running and dancing around like fucking Sporty Spice. They awkwardly dance and grind and run with all those blinking sweaty people and it all just makes me uncomfortable. But I mean… good for them. Do you girl.

Now we get to the oh so exciting group date. I am not trying to pull a Dr.Phil over here but there has to be some deep rooted issues coming to fruition here. Why the fuck does Juan Pablo think it’s a good idea to have his harem of women dress up as dogs? Did I miss something here? And who assigned the costumes here? Why is Kelly dressed as a human stool with white spots? Or is she doing black face since ABC clearly didn’t recruit an ethnically diverse group of women AGAIN. WTF ? Crazy ass Lucy volunteers to be naked and Andi (personal favorite) is utterly confused by the purpose of this shoot. Juan gladly strips down and they awkwardly sexualize these poor dogs and censor Juan’s sphincter.

the-bachelor-juan-pablo-lead

It’s called mystery people. I was so bored with this part of the show I refilled my Vueve and took my non sexualized dog for a quick poop run. When I came back the crew had relocated to a rooftop pool area and Victoria was awkwardly air humping in the Jacuzzi. Now this is my kind of television.

Who else loves Victoria? Spin-off! Spin-off! What a fucking train wreck. My favorite line was when she repeatedly told the girls she gave Juan Pablo the “hymen maneuver” during the photo-shoot. Pardon? I am not certain I am acquainted with the first aid practice of the hymen maneuver but am incredibly curious. And that mom Renee is killing it right now. Shimmying under the stall door to get a front row to the crazy show, she tries to console psycho Victoria. She gets to be maternal and caring in front of America (I mean she clearly knows V is going home) and in juxtapose looks like she REALLY has her shit together. Kelly gets the group date rose for being shellacked in brown paint and Victoria has a full on Glen Close breakdown in the bathroom a la Fatal Attraction and I LOVED IT. “Juan Pablo, I hope you die!” Ugh, I can already smell the pending restraining order.

Amy, Chantel and MVP Victoria all went home and I sauntered off to bed feeling emotionally satisfied and excited for next week’s episode. Hope you enjoyed this recap and sorry if I spoiled the episode for you slash I am not sorry because who doesn’t watch The Bachelor same day of air? It’s called priorities people.