I Been Drankin.

I am sure this comes as no surprise to most of you bitches but it should be said. I live for a good cocktail. I am not the girl ralphing in my purse or flashing my vagina on the sidewalk… I drink like a fucking lady. I have always said I missed my calling as a pretentious bartender so I like to live that dream in the privacy of my own home.

I am someone who is plagued with neurosis and a routine lifestyle so it is rare that I stray from my usual vodka martini. Last weekend something truly terrible happened… I ran out of fucking martini olives. There I sat alone, watching Stepmom, sans my go-to libation and I have never felt so alone. Sure I could have gone to the market but then I would have had to move so obviously that was a no-go. Sobriety clearly was NOT an option – have you seen Stepmom? Susan Sarandon practically gutted me alive.

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Being the free spirit that I am I decided to concoct a new drink that has since been blowing my fucking mind. I call it my “Basil Bitch Delight”, first you need the following…

  • Basil.
  • Lime or Lemon juice
  • Simple syrup (agave nectar works too)
  • Club soda.
  • Vodka (Gin works too)
  • Ice ice baby.

To make simple syrup boil equal parts water and sugar, to make it fancy add a lime peel and some basil. Make sure you let syrup cool before adding to your drink or you will fuck everything up.

Add ice, shot of vodka (or 2), juice of one lime, teaspoon of simple syrup (more if you like it sweet) and basil leaves to a shaker. Shake that shit like a Polaroid picture and pour into short tumbler or strain into martini glass, top with club soda and get your garnish on bitch. Drink happy.

Bitch Bible Must Haves

You may sit and ponder the principles of being a glorified Haute Mess™. Beyond the strict moral code that comes with being a Haute Mess (yeah right) I have curated a list of possessions every aspiring lad or lassie should have on the road to acquire a Haute Mess Life.

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Leather Pants – Consider this the pant of choice for all Haute Messes. Wear them with a plain t shirt, wear them with a sequin top, wear them with nipple tassels- WHATEVER. I am a firm believer in year round leather. Sure if it’s summer you will be schvitzing your metaphoric balls off but at least you’ll be burning calories and still look haute as fuck #silverlining.

A Cocktail Shaker – Firstly, I would like to go on the record and say I hate the word cocktail (and not for it’s obvious cock word play). This isn’t fucking 1934, can’t we just call them drinks? Adult Beverages? Happy juice? Okay I’m done. It isn’t breaking news that I am one high maintenance biatch when it comes to my happy juice. I don’t drink to get drunk. I drink to celebrate, relax  or to mourn Real Housewives lay-offs (I’m talkin to you Taylor Armstrong) duh. Needless to say, when I choose to indulge you best be trippin thinking I’m going to sip on some Smirnoff mixed with Safeway brand soda in a fucking red cup. No girl, no. The only hard liquor drink I partake in is a dirty martini in proper glassware and that shit better be jigged.  #hautemessnecessity

Robe– Robes are to Jackie Schimmel, what salt is to the ocean. I LIVE in robes. I have my après shower robe, my getting ready robe, my cooking robe, my television watching robe, my sexy robe and my letting myself go robe. I like to imagine I came out of the birth canal in a chenille robe. Actually, one of my pastimes is stealing robes from nice hotels “Don’t you get charged?” Um ya, if you’re an ignoramus. No man, relative or friend can give you the warmth and comfort of a good robe. You can quote me on that.

Princess Shoes – Cinderella, Dorothy and Lady Carrie Bradshaw all had their signature shoes. Every haute mess should have hers too. Whether or not they are impractical, make your feet bleed or are worth more than your car, a special pair of shoes will always make you feel special (in a cherished way, not in a short bus way). I have a few pair of princess shoes that highlight different points in my life and even though I rarely wear them, seeing them glisten in their display case warms my insides. Sometimes when I feel like total ass I put them on with my pajamas and they remind me of our love and how I delusionally feel I deserve them (and so do you).

A “World Famous” Dish – My mother has never liked to cook. We used to eat out 85% of the time and whenever my mother would delight us with a home cooked meal it was always “world famous”. Even if she buys it from a local restaurant and claims it as her own it still gets the title. Kind of genius. I have said multiple times, being a haute mess is about working it. Working what your great at, good at and really suck at. People who take themselves too seriously to try new things bore me. Eat the snail, cut some bangs, sing some karaoke and lighten up. Whether you love to cook or only use your stove to store sweaters, you only need one (or a few) specialties to solidify your domesticity (bite me Feminists of LA). The key is to learn, master and promote one world famous dish to the point of no return (my  current “world famous” meal is my lamb/feta meatballs with tzatziki). It could be your mother’s kugle, Ina Garten’s pound cake (that bitch luhhs cake) or some bruschetta you found on pinterest. Fuck you don’t even have to make it, just put it on a platter and add some garnish and voilà it’s “World Famous”.

Cocktail Analysis – Ladies Edition

As a social observer, I am always wondering what kind of women order what kind of drinks. I have never been extremely experimental with my beverage options but after some very extensive research, I have made some scientific conclusions about what your GO-TO drink says about your personality. I should be clear that this is based on your ultimate drink of choice at a bar or other drinking encouraged environment. We aren’t talking a hit it and quit it relationship, this cocktail is your main bitch. These observations are only geared towards LADIES, there will be a mens edition later. Clearly a woman who’s go-to  is champagne and a man who’s go-to is champagne are two entirely different situations. She is prissy and he probably is a huge mo… Duh.

Champagne – Oh my! (Heather Dubrow reference) Ordering champagne at a bar is like painting a big red x on your face for all potential suitors. I have a few guidelines when it comes to drinking champagne. Drink it at brunch, drink it with your girls, drink if you are celebrating, drink it if it’s expensive or drink if it’s free. The end. It aint fancy if it’s Andre girl.

Wine – Friendly, girly, nice – sometimes too nice. Loves The Bachelor and probably thinks Taylor Swift is really pretty. Loves an emoji. May or may not have serious love affair with frozen yogurt and could still own a pair of True Religion jeans.

Beer – Guys love a girl that drinks beer. Fun, go with the flow kind of girl. Not someone who gets super sloppy. Wears jean shorts a lot. That’s all I have. I personally don’t trust girls who can’t drink a beer. It’s a character flaw.

Tequila (on the rocks)  – I had to specify on the rocks because this person is very different than someone who drinks margaritas. Obvi. My kinda girl, I can’t roll with tequila but appreciate this type of liquid commitment. No mixer, no problem.

Whiskey Drinks – Wears crop tops. Has definitely vacationed at a Lake at one point in time (Havasu, Tahoe, Laughlin? Is that a a lake?) Thinks platform shoes (circa Spice Girls) are making a big comeback.  Definitely not a Jew. Jewish bitches don’t drink whiskey. ** I have many friends who busted my ass for this. I had one person in mind while writing this and I apologize #backpedaling.

Mojito/Margarita – I like a mojito/margarita kind of girl. Firstly, I live for a garnish and mint is very refreshing. Secondly, I find the mojito/margarita girl to not be super health conscience which I love because nothing is more of a buzzkill than a calorie counter (I’m talking to you Vodka Soda’s).

Vodka Soda (or any alcohol + soda water) – Buzzkill. That can’t taste good, your drinking carbonated alcohol. At least add some cranberry, or just go big with no frills and drink it straight. Can I get an amen?

Dirty Martini – HUGE pain in the ass, high maintenance yet delightfully witty and ballsy (this all applicable to me because this is my drink).

Long Island Iced Tea – Balls to the walls. Always has a karaoke song/choreography prepared given the opportunity presents it self. Love this kind of girl, from a distance at least. My ex boyfriend drank 2 Long Island’s one night out and puked all over my bed, floor and favorite jacket so I still have negative feelings about anyone with male genitalia who drinks them ( If you are reading this, I still pinpoint this as the ultimate demise of our relationship. That and and the fact that the only date we had in college –yes singular– was to CPK xo)

Anything Blue – Get your shit together.

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