Wedding Details

As some of you might know… I got married. CALM DOWN. I have always said that getting married brings out the worst in people, you get a ring on your finger and all the sudden you think the world revolves around you. Brides are the biggest assholes ever.  Like, don’t even get me started. I wasn’t a bridezilla because I am a simply a lifezilla. Being so, I had a very clear vision for what I wanted our wedding to look like, feel like, sound like, taste like, you get the picture. I thrive in decision making, delegation and spending other peoples money so I really felt in my element during the planning process. In the most non-basic self indulgent bridezilla way, I wanted to share some elements of my wedding with my bitches.

Music | There is nothing worse than a wedding with shitty music. Being that my groom and many of our wedding guests are in the music industry, it was the most important element of our wedding. We curated playlists for pre-ceremony, cocktail hour, reception, after party. Sometimes providing track by track playlists aren’t enough – we also included a list of DO NOT PLAY THESE SONGS OR ELSE THE BRIDE WILL SHANK YOU IN THE THROAT ( anything Jason Mraz, Baby Got Back, YMCA, the fucking song from Twilight, shoot me). My husband produced the music for our processional and it was one of the most special aspects of the wedding.

i-hNN3rwz-X2.jpg

i-RSzbX94-X2

Personalization | I think a wedding should *feel* like the couple and not some sad replicas of your pinterest board. I love a personalization. Matches, napkins, place cards, specialty cocktails, anything and everything. It’s inexpensive, chic and unique. Just make sure everything is COHESIVE. Fonts are my life. I made sure the fonts and monogram used in my invitation were the same throughout (details bitch).

i-Xpds9KK-X2

 

Monofloral | This was something I felt extremely passionate about. I am 93% positive I have severe OCD (cute) but floral arrangements give me shpilkes (yiddish for nervous energy). I wanted all centerpieces/bouquets arranged by flower type. No mixing. I had a legally binding “use roses and hydrangea sparingly” rule and stuck with mostly modern structured flowers (calalilies, orchids, gladiolus) and it was fresh as fuck.

i-GwXZTsg-XL

Acrylic | I love anything non child friendly. It’s clear, it needs to be windexed constantly, its sharp and it’s perfection… it’s acrylic. My save the dates were acrylic with gold imprinting and totally set the tone for the wedding. For our escort board, we had a sexy plexiglass board with all of our guest names printed in a clean block letter (I hate a swirly font – again shpilkes), place cards were acrylic drink stirrers placed in champagne glasses and for reception chairs we used “ghost chairs” that gave our whole decor a super modern look.

i-nv7d9DN-XL.jpgi-TzgGNzk-XL

Mixed Metals | I love shiny shit. So I would never limit myself to one metallic accent color. I love mixing gold and silver, we had no other color in our wedding scheme. Silver mirrors, gold rimmed china, silver votives. You get the picture.

i-LpbLPvd-XL

FUR (because why the fuck not) | This was a controversial decision on my end. When you think a spring wedding in the middle of the piping hot desert, you don’t usually think of white fur… unless your a psycho like me. I ordered 20 white sheepskin throws from an illegal international import website to achieve my dream of casual white fur draped over the outdoor furniture, you know, for “texture”. I am a monster.

 

i-LRNn673-XLi-rGvBw7t-XL-1.jpg

i-BKKbngH-X2

Mirrored Err’thang| We used mirrored round table tops and mirrored runners for all the tables. Not only because its fucking pretty but it also reflected the chandeliers, candle light and center pieces to really pump everything up a couple notches.

i-TKWmMCF-X2

i-mm7mDtR-X2

For more juicy details on the wedding check out my podcast episode “Blushing Bitch” with Lauryn Evarts from The Skinny Confidential here: CLICK ME FOR PODCAST!

Advertisements

Here Comes the Bitch…

 

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been a while since my last post. I have been volunteering my services to the Hilary Clinton presidential campaign and learning Mandarin. But actually, I have been doing nothing and couldn’t be happier. Recently, after only four death threats and one failed attempt to join Raya, my boyfriend proposed. I’m getting fucking married and it has catapulted me into a Bridezilla/Basic Bitch/ Existential life crisis.

While this is arguably the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me except for the time I bought something at Bloomingdales and talked my way into exchanging it at Neiman Marcus (and people think I have no talent). Since I have started planning I realized I am haunted by basic brides that have resurrected before me. Is it possible to plan a wedding and NOT be a self involved, fluffy haired, asshole? I fucking hope so. People get married and think they become the epicenter of the universe. The harsh truth is, no one gives a real fuck about your impending nuptials except you and like 8 other people. So while you hold people hostage like the fucking Taliban and ask whether they prefer ivory or eggshell, remember to stay self-aware, step away from pinterest and embrace these truths.

Just because you have solidified a life partner, does not mean you are the new authority on eternal happiness. Getting a Zale’s cushion cut diamond wrangled on your phalange doesn’t give you the right to judge your free spirited slutty friends. We get it. You have found the love of your life. Maybe your friend’s love of their life is a bag of Chex Mix and her Valtrex prescription.

Not to be a Debbie Downer but statistically almost 60% are destined for a second marriage or maybe a Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell situation. So while your ironing your white button down polo shirts for your extremely basic engagement shoot, remember that before you express pity for your single friends that you have to clean underwear that is not yours for the rest of your life. Live and let live.

Getting hitched does not mean you have to start dressing like a midwestern substitute teacher who collects potpourri and ceramic figurines. I know people that could have been the spokesperson for Vegas attire. Bandage dresses (kill me), platform pumps and a clip in synthetic weave that could start a wildfire. Magically upon matrimony, they start dressing so “Churchy” and complaining about a heel height of a fucking tic-tac. Really bitch? You lived in hooker heels (#madeinchina) for a decade – don’t try.

If anything, you need to get sluttier after “settling down”. Just because you are on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t check out the fucking menu. Newsflash… guys have penises. Penises are fueled by testosterone. Testosterone makes men into primal animals. Animals that subconsciously WANT and NEED men other than themselves to want to bang their future wife because then they feel like they have a prized possession. I am not saying women are possessions just calm the fuck down, it’s a METAPHOR. The sooner bitches understand this biology, the sooner we will truly run the world.

Despite my grievances, I am SUPER excited to navigate the bitchy bridal rapids with a bedazzled life jacket, Dramamine (or Xanax) and an unsigned prenupt as my sail.

Bitch Throws a Dinner Party

I watch enough Real Housewives to know how to throw a proper dinner party. As much as I’d love to hire Kevin Lee to make everything “shi shi shi” I will have to be  my own transgender Asian homosexual party planner. Naturally my theme developed from an accessory, some cute Moroccan napkins I found and some fabulous new gold charger plates (you know you’re an adult when you have charger plates). Another adult move, I even made a fucking mocktail. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore – I mean we all know I’m not a huge fan of sobriety but I digress. I wanted my first dinner party to reflect not only my effortless domesticity but also what kind of woman I am. Deceivingly fancy, warm and … easy. I decided to delight my patrons with a Mediterranean menu because I am a selfish whore (JK – on the whore bit) and I could make everything ahead of time so I was still able to mingle and socialize.

Menu

CUCUMBER MINT FAUXJITO (which I subsequently added vodka too – a mocktail only gets you so far)
MY WORLD FAMOUS LAMB MEATBALLS W/TZATZIKI SAUCE
GREEK FETA, OLIVES, HUMMUS AND PITA BREAD

—-

SHIRAZI SALAD
BASMATI RICE WITH HERBS
ROASTED EGGPLANT WITH MINT AND FETA
“SAFFRON” CHICKEN WITH OLIVES/THYME

And nothing for dessert… I don’t fucking bake. Ice cream anyone?

Dinner was a hit (I think) and I feel like I have reached a new level of womanhood… kinda. #hostesswiththemostest Presentation1

Redecorating

When I first started living with my boyfriend I was in a bit of a decorator slump. I had never had full control of decorating in any of the other places I lived in prior. Then, I was walking into a totally blank canvas with options galore. I immediately had 93% of my boyfriends things removed so I could visualize. Surprisingly, my boyfriend was very hands on during the process ( I called him Nate Berkus during the entirety of our revamp) but was an overall gem letting me pick whatever I liked with the exception of about 75 crystal chandeliers. Here are a few pics of our work in progress.

hoomiehommmehome6home5

Make shift bar area

Make shift bar area

That vintage Louis Vuitton trunk in the back round was a compromise piece.

Need to fill wall with pics, get new frames.

Need to fill wall with pics, get new frames.

home

Still so much to do, we are making dining room into an office/music space for Andrew (I am such a giver) Will post pics once we are done!!

Send pics of your Haute Mess Home to beahautemess@gmail.com