Jackie’s Easy Ramen Recipe

As far as I have been responsible for feeding myself, I have had a deep and steadfast affinity for all noodles. They are cheap, never go bad and versatile. I don’t give a fuck what Marie Osmond, Jillian Michaels or your gluten free roommate tells you… carbs are NOT the enemy. I get aroused by a good pasta and if you learn to make it at home for yourself, you can cut out a lot of the fatty, unhealthy bullshit ingredients restaurants add (same goes with salad dressing). Last night I experimented with an old friend of a noodle, Ramen, and was pleasantly tickled.

I haven’t cooked Ramen in years because it takes me back to a dark place… college. I know being that I am just 39% basic, one would assume I loved college and was in a sorority and like shared hotel rooms in Vegas to go to some day club cause I knew the promoter…but no. I fucking hated college. Hence while I only made it about a year and a half. I spent the better part of my collegiate days ditching class, doctoring fake report cards to send to my dad to see if fake straight A’s could wrangle me a few extra hundred a month, watching Barefoot Contessa, then going to Food for Less in pursuit of discount Branzino.

Unfortunately, once mid-month hit I usually had to resort to one fucking thing to sustain my beastly appetite, Ramen. So as you can imagine, we have a very sentimental and indifferent relationship, Ramen and I.

Last night, I went back in time along with a more highly developed culinary touch and gave my 5 year old emergency Ramen package a go and here is the easiest, most delicious, cheap, healthy asian noodle dinner you have ever tasted. Fuck you Ina.

What you need (for one serving #allbymyself #dontjump) 1 package of ramen noodles, 2 small heads of baby bok choy, handful of kale, 2 handfuls of shitake mushrooms (or whichever you like), 2 small thai peppers, ginger, 5 cloves of garlic, 1 shallot, ¼ lb of steak (I used stir fry style), one egg, teriyaki sauce, 1 ½ cups of veggie broth, fish sauce, low sodium soy sauce, lime, chives.

  1. Soft boil an egg in pot of boiling water, 6 minutes is perfection erection, remove shell and rinse under cool water to stop cooking, put aside.
  2. In same water (#resourceful) cook your ramen noodles about 3 minutes, throwout the flavoring packet – that shit will leave you bloated until 2018.
  3. Strain noodles and set aside.
  4. Over medium heat, add about 2 tablespoons of olive oil, 5 cloves of chopped garlic, half a thumb worth of peeled and chopped fresh ginger, 2 thai peppers (scrape out the insides these fuckers are HOTT) and half of a shallot chopped. Sautee until translucent.
  5. Peel leaves of the bok choy (throw out the tough inside part) and add to the ginger/garlic and toss until they soften about 2 minutes.
  6. Add mushrooms, sautee another 2 minutes.
  7. Add vegetable broth, few dashes of soy sauce, few dashes of fish sauce, juice and zest of half a lime and handful of kale, stire and let simmer on low heat until shit gets hott and all veggies are soft and wilted
  8. In separate pan heat up tablespoon of olive oil and add meat of your liking, sautee just lightly so meat does not get touch, add a dash of teriyaki to give some sweetness and throw in some sesame seeds if you got em.
  9. Add your ramen noodles and egg to the hot broth to reheat and then pour into a bowl. Slice the soft boiled egg in half and place on top.
  10. Add meat, handful of chopped chives, remaining raw shallot, lime wedge or zest on top of noodles and thank me later.

 

Easy Summer Recipes

I am not going to sit here and go on and on how I get a huge hipster boner for fresh summer produce and flourishing farmer markets. I don’t bring my own bags to the supermarket, wear gladiator sandals and a farmers hat to peruse locally sourced eggplant and insincerely grope lemons for 35 minutes to find one that is “just right”. That is just not me.

I do however enjoy the free samples and imported cheese selection at MY local farmer’s market so once in a blue moon I stray from my usual Gelson’s or Bristol Farms and head  to roam amongst the granola crew. When I am cooking a meal my main focus is presentation, easy ingredients (inexpensive doesn’t hurt either) and obviously yummy. I really hate the word yummy and apologize for using it so carelessly. As I wandered the aisles of fresh fruits and hemp accessories I was inspired to make a dinner solely using ingredients bought at the farmer’s market (and by inspired I mean I was running low on gas and felt too lazy to stop at another store).

I got seduced by an Israeli man with more herbs than Whoopi Goldberg so I got swindled into buying almost everything under the sun. Basil, dill, italian parsley, green onions, rosemary, you name it. I tried to incorporate all of these into my dinner. I decided to make lavender lemon martini’s, a burrata caprese salad, herb salmon and grilled peaches with vanilla ice cream. It was a total stomach boner if I do say so myself and so colorful!

.10552496_10203540726412034_7607795108242117664_nDSC00761P1000832grilled-peaches-and-cream

 

Lavender Cocktaillemon juice, simple syrup (equal parts sugar and water boiled) infused with fresh lavender, vodka. Add to shaker with ice, shake, serve and sip responsibly… or don’t no judgements.

Caprese Salad burrata cheese (buffalo mozzarella works too), heirloom tomatoes, basil, olive oil, balsamic vinegar (or glaze). Slice and layer, top with oil and vinegar, salt and pepper.

Herb Salmon salmon filet(s), lemon, fresh italian parsley, dill, green onion and whatever else you have. Coat salmon in olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper and top with chopped herbs. Drizzle more olive oil over herbs so they don’t burn. Bake in 375 degree oven for 15-20 minutes.

Grilled Peaches with Vanilla Ice Cream – peaches, honey, vegetable oil, vanilla ice cream, mint (I used basil instead). Brush peaches with oil and grill until soft with pretty grill marks, top with vanilla ice cream (after peaches have cooled) drizzle with honey (optional) and garnish with mint. 

Bon Appétit bitches.

 

 

Let’s Have a Kiki!

I will be honest… I don’t have the slightest fuck what that saying means but it has slowly yet surely become my personal tagline. It just sounds so fantastic “Lettttttt’s have a KIKI!” Totally want this engraved on my tombstone… not really, I want to be frozen #duh. Anyways, after one long ass week of playing nurse to my post-surgery mother (she had “Lasik” eye surgery #not) I felt I was entitled to a festive adult beverage. I considered tapping into her Percocet prescription but I have too much anxiety to be a pill popper. This bitch prefers to keep it kosher and just stick to the “happy juice” AKA vodka. Since my mother has decided to find dual purpose with her recovery and further her suffrage by going on a “weight loss program” and keeping NO food in the house, ingredients were scarce. When concocting my much needed cocktail, I had to get crafty and more importantly get sipping ASAP. I created this drink using pretty basic/random ingredients and was delighted with one raging liver boner. This drink is figure friendly, delicious, pretty and very festive. One sip and you’ll be feeling KIKI-licious.

  • INGREDIENTS
  • one lime juiced
  • 1/4 tsp of agave nectar
  • 1 shot of vodka/tequila/nail polish remover (whatever you’re into)
  • 1 fresh watermelon popsicle (or frozen watermelon chunks)
  • 5 basil leaves (mint would be delish also)

Ribbet collage

 

Muddle limes, basil, watermelon and agave nectar in cocktail shaker. Add alcohol, shake and sip responsibly… or irresponsibly. We won’t judge.

Bitch Throws a Dinner Party

I watch enough Real Housewives to know how to throw a proper dinner party. As much as I’d love to hire Kevin Lee to make everything “shi shi shi” I will have to be  my own transgender Asian homosexual party planner. Naturally my theme developed from an accessory, some cute Moroccan napkins I found and some fabulous new gold charger plates (you know you’re an adult when you have charger plates). Another adult move, I even made a fucking mocktail. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore – I mean we all know I’m not a huge fan of sobriety but I digress. I wanted my first dinner party to reflect not only my effortless domesticity but also what kind of woman I am. Deceivingly fancy, warm and … easy. I decided to delight my patrons with a Mediterranean menu because I am a selfish whore (JK – on the whore bit) and I could make everything ahead of time so I was still able to mingle and socialize.

Menu

CUCUMBER MINT FAUXJITO (which I subsequently added vodka too – a mocktail only gets you so far)
MY WORLD FAMOUS LAMB MEATBALLS W/TZATZIKI SAUCE
GREEK FETA, OLIVES, HUMMUS AND PITA BREAD

—-

SHIRAZI SALAD
BASMATI RICE WITH HERBS
ROASTED EGGPLANT WITH MINT AND FETA
“SAFFRON” CHICKEN WITH OLIVES/THYME

And nothing for dessert… I don’t fucking bake. Ice cream anyone?

Dinner was a hit (I think) and I feel like I have reached a new level of womanhood… kinda. #hostesswiththemostest Presentation1

Buzkill Bitch

There are a few things I just can’t tolerate in my life. A. Kitten Heels B. Unsolicited Sobriety (meaning no previous substance abuse problems – just sober on principle) C. People who pronounce Parmesan – parm-e-zawn and D. Buzzkills.

A couple months ago, I was forced to be social and go to dinner with a few of my close friends and some of their coworkers. My boyfriend was working and I had already watched 18 vintage Real Housewife episodes and after I was through with that found myself watching The Lizzie McGuire Movie and made an executive decision to get the fuck out of my house. And as Hil Duff once said, “Why not take a crazy chance? If you lose the moment
you might lose a lot so, why the fuck not?” K no more Hilary Duff song lyrics – sorry.

I fluffed my weave, filled my flask (Baby doesn’t like to pay for overpriced drinks when solo) called a cab and I was out. Despite being quite the social butterfly, I have total social anxiety and after arriving at the restaurant immediately regretted my impulse decision. Since I was the first one there I got majorly fucked on seating arrangement. I sat to some girl named **Mary-Kate that looked like she needed a serious Lexapro prescription, a hug and a father. This was going to be rough. I tried to engage in some lighthearted conversation with Mary Kate and she was not having it. Throughout the dinner her chosen topics of conversation were rehab, family death, her boyfriend cheating on her, the death of her childhood pet, her neighbor suffering from a rare blood disease, her quick dabble in bulimia and so on. Can a bitch get a crabcake down before we start the fucking downer parade?tumblr_lk8ffm4FuN1qazkdco1_500

I am no Mary Poppins but come the fuck on. There is a time and place to share your grief and its not at  a fucking dinner party. If your woes are self inflicted – you need to just shut the hole on your face. You gained 30 pounds? Stop chewing. You got caught cheating on your boyfriend? Boo hoo whore. You got fired? Get to work, bitch. I just can’t deal. Smile, laugh, sip your cocktail and keep it cute or put it on mute. I should specify that I do seriously enjoy a humorous buzzkill – someone who knows how morbidly depressing they are and simultaneously makes light of their tragedy. Kind of fucked up, but totally up my alley. Of course, you should always feel comfortable confiding in a close friend or relative and it is not a crime to be vulnerable and upset (this is something I am majorly working on… I am open to good therapist recommendations #growth). If it involves terminal illness, dissipation of a relationship, suffering puppies or substance abuse please save it for an intimate cup of coffee and not for a festive outing. For some horrifying reason, I am always the person stuck in the corner of the bar with Fragile Francesca recapping the time her hamster got eaten by a coyote when she was 6 years old and she now has intimacy problems because of it. Fuckin kill me.

Let’s be clear not all attention is good attention. I feel we should all strive to get others attention for positive things like… being a phenomenal dancer, having a third nipple, being a great singer, having a fun spunky attitude, making a delicious quiche! NOT being the only attendant of your pity party.

We all go through rough shit and it is important and humbling to accept that some people will have it way easier and there is always someone struggling more than you. I would like to volunteer as a pioneer woman to break the buzzkill trend sweeping the nation and focus on all the fabulous shit we all have or are going to have in our life. Because honestly, isn’t that way more interesting anyways?

Haute Mess Lesson: It’s never haute to be a buzzkill.